I Always Mistake It For Progress.
I will start today by saying that I have been thinking about how to start this blog for a few days. I have been meditating on what it is I want to say for the last hour. What I decided was that for me, this will be a place to release my thoughts; whatever they may be. With that in mind, I want anyone reading to know that I think A LOT. The majority of my time is spent thinking about things not going on around me. Even when I am interacting with other individuals, I am usually thinking about something else; and usually that is something that is very far down the road.
The proudest moment of my entire life happened on October 27th 2010. I sat on the edge of my bed wringing my hands, trying to distract myself with thoughts of work the next day. Then the woman that I was in love with handed me a small piece of plastic. I sat there staring at it for at least a minute. There, clear as day, were two pink lines. As a wave of emotions crashed down on me, I never felt more proud, fearful, nervous, and anxious. I could have sat there for days letting it consume me. But instead I did what I knew was needed the most at that point. I held her. I held her as close to me as I possibly could. I told her I love her, kissed her, and said I will always be here for her no matter what. At that moment, we knew we were going to have a baby.
My pride is an amazing thing to me. I find myself being prideful on a daily basis. If it is even something simple like the appearance of my hair, or the way I am dressed. One of the things that I take the most pride in, is my own personal opinions. I can honestly say that one thing that bothers me more than anything else is when I am misunderstood. I take pride in being very well thought out. And having reasons for why I am the way I am. That can relate to my taste in music, what I eat, and even to the clothes that I wear.
I love my Baby Darling. I love her more than my favorite band, or my favorite dessert. I love her more than I need air to breathe. And I say that with confidence because if it came down to me or her. She would be the one still here. It seems that from time to time I think people don't understand what a true love for another person means. So here is what it means to me.
As a father, the world will tell me that I have a right to raise her, even if that means on my own. They will tell me that; even if the mother doesn't agree with me to do so. They would tell me that I should fight the mother on raising her. I will say that almost more than anything else in this world, I want to keep my little girl. I want to be able to sing her to sleep at night. I want to be able to hold her in my arms while we watch movies. I want to be able to be there for her while she grows. You wonder now what it is that I want more than that?
I want her to love her mother too. And I know for fact that were I to raise her on my own, the mother and I would fight about it constantly. We would argue about who knows what is best for her. We would probably even argue about what type of fruit snacks to put in her lunch box for school hahaha. The point is, that even though I know what the world will tell me to do. And even though my pride for my daughter is great. My pride for the way I want my daughter to be raised is even greater. I want my daughter to be able to have reasons for the way she thinks. I want her to do well in school because that is what she wants. I want her to attend church because she believes in her Heavenly Father. I want her to be like me.
I don't do anything to please others, if it doesn't also please my own pride. And that is not always easy. I have already stated that I love my Baby Darling very much. And in a perfect world, I would marry the mother. In a perfect world Baby Darling would have both of her biological parents with her. I have said that one thing I want to make sure to do for my family when I do start it; is every single day I want my wife to KNOW that I love her. I never want her to even think to question it. And that is the same thing I want for my children. I want my sons and daughters to know every day that their father loves them. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. And that no matter what, I will make time for them.
My pride for how much I want to show my children every day that I love them has been a very difficult thing to overcome. I want to be able to show them at all times that I am here to support them. And well lets be honest. Adoption doesn't really allow me that opportunity. Today I am facing the fact that as great as an open adoption can be. It is not the idea I had in my head. It is not going to be as close to me raising my daughter as I want it to be. And that for me, is a painful thought to wrestle.
Fortunately for me, my pride pushes me forward. My pride tells me that my little girl needs to have a mother and a father. And that even if she decides she hates me later when she learns that I let her go. It tells me that I did the right thing because I love her. My pride of my love for her will always remind me that the mother and I did the right thing. And the best I can hope for, is that one day she will understand that. And that one day, she will love us both for making that very painful decision.
Today I started a blog. I started it with the intention to help Birthmothers through the very difficult decision to place their child. I started it to help any Birthfathers who are like me. I started it to help Adoptive Parents better understand our heartache. And most of all, I started it hoping that one day a little girl I call Darling, will be able to feel the love her mother and I have for her.
P.S. Here is a song that has been helping me the last few days.