Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.
I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.
It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.
The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that LibertyPark doesn’t want to remind me of Darling’s mother and the times we spent together there. (as if a park has intentions)
Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.
There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.
So I woke up this morning and took a shower and cleaned myself up very nicely for the day. Went up stairs to make something to eat and noticed that there was a can of whipped cream in the fridge from the last time the AP’s came to visit. My literal response was to yell at the top of my lungs for no one to hear (no one was home) “WHIPPED CREAM FOR THE WIN!!!” I then proceeded to grab the can and spray the creamy deliciousness directly into my mouth. THIS JUST IN! Yes, as it turns out, Benjamin is in fact 11 years old.
So today is predicted to be the day of the rapture. This should be interesting. It made me think of a line from the song for today’s post. So I will share that at the bottom. This is a strange post in the sense that it isn’t really directed toward Darling, but more toward my readers. The reason for this you ask? Well the reason is because I’m going to start a new blog that is just for my own personal use. Here is the link http://meridionalwords.blogspot.com/
Darling,
I want you to know that I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Or I guess I should say that I have been thinking about you more in the last week than I had been in the weeks previous. I don’t know what to say here without painting myself into a corner, so for now just remember how much I care.
Darling, I want you to know how much I love you. I care about you more than you may know. I wouldn’t have done all this if I didn’t. If I didn’t care I would have walked away in the beginning. But the truth is I do, and if you ever need me for something that you can’t get from your mommy and daddy, just know that your birthfather is here to help in whatever way I can.
I looked back at my old posts on this blog, and I came to realize that I had strayed from my original intent. I noticed this because in the last month I have only done ONE post that has anything directly to do with your adoption. And as I stated in my very first post, I started this blog so that one day you could go back and understand why your birthmother and I did what we did, and you could see it the way I did.
The problem there being that the blog turned into something else for me. It turned into a place to rant about adoption. I have said some rather harsh things about your birthmother on here and I want you to know that while I was upset with her, it doesn’t mean I think you should be. Your birthmother and I are very different people, and we operate in different ways. I like to be communicative, and not everyone is like that.
I’m sure you already know if you are able to read this, but I want you to know what a truly wonderful person your birthmother is. She did something for you that I could not. And if you are ever angry or upset with her I want you to know how very hard it was for her to carry you for nine months, and because she loves you, to then give you to your mommy and daddy who needed you, and who you also needed.
Darling, I want you to know how much you changed my life for the better. I don’t know if I can explain it to you properly. But you truly have. You have helped me to understand things that I didn’t before. Things about myself, as well as things about other people. I want to thank you for that. I love you very much Darling, and I will write more for you when those things happen.
So, I had a great day planned out to do all the things I have been putting off during this last week. Weed the garden, water the plants, do laundry, clean my room, WRITE A BLOG POST. And I was just sitting on the couch relaxing with some Nutella and tortilla's and drinking a glass of milk, when I got a phone call. They need someone to work tonight, and seeing as I can always use the overtime; I took the shift. So this is to just let you all know that there is a post in the works, and I haven't just forgotten. So until tomorrow, enjoy some music.
You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.
Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now. You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her. People raise children with only one parent all the time.
ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard? To be excluded from the hospital? Really? She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say? The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too. You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing. So why don't you? You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling. When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?" What will you say? I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family. Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem! Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!! You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions? First Birthdays..First everything's? I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms? Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along. Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right? Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father. I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.
Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side? That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see?
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them. It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors! Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives. I bet you anything they are perfect. Or are they? You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.
To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone. It is between you and me. Those are my rules. Sorry.
Privacy Notice:
This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.
Here is what I responded with.
I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut.
I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned.
Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.
Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds
I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.
These are my thoughts, feelings, reactions, concerns, ideas etc etc. I hope you can enjoy them in some way. If you are a first time visitor here, I would recommend starting at the beginning. My first post is titled PRIDE.
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