So I’ll Shake Responsibility,
And Say A Hard Life Did This To Me.
Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.
I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.
It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.
The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that Liberty Park
Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.
There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.
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Benjamin, you know how much I love you. I'm just gonna be blunt: If you feel like you need to take a break from the adoption world, then do it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for some time to heal as much as possible without daily reminders causing more pain and re-injuring any healing that may have come already. Let your caseworker (and any other appropriate people... AP's, BM, etc.) know that is what you're doing for a little bit, (that you're just taking a step back for a while). Then do it if you need to!
ReplyDeleteTaking a break now and working through your feelings and emotions (as much as possible) can only better prepare you for when Darling is born and throughout her life.
And now I'll get off my mother-ish, wanna-be know-it-all, soapbox and can it. :) Know that you're loved and thought of often!
There is a balance and with everything in life it changes! You are a great person with very complex things happening in which most people around you do not understand! hold tight and find your balance, take care
ReplyDeleteAs a AP I have to say that I really love this post. Here I am 9 months after we adopted our son and having a roller coaster of emotions my self. Every time I look at my son I think of his birth family and how he has his BD hair and his BM lips and eyes. (just posted all about it a couple of days ago).
ReplyDeleteI know it gets better! Things slow down after all the decisions are made and waiting is over. If you need a break, take one!
We have a great relationship with the birth family and I fell as though I am in need of the visits more than they are now.
Just remember that you are a wonderful person with your wounds and all.
I don't know you, and this is actually the first time I've seen your blog... but let me tell you...
ReplyDeleteThere may never be a day when you don't find it important to tell someone about adoption and your role in your daughter's life. My first year after I had my son, I felt like I needed to tell anyone I met that I was a birthmother... that I had a baby. After 2 1/2 years, there are still times when I feel like I should say something or I'm not being 100% honest about who I am. I think that's just part of being a birthparent. You were part of an amazing experience, and it helped define YOU. So don't be ashamed about it, and don't worry about that urge to tell people :)
My son was 8 months old when I met my boyfriend of almost 2 years now. We met on a Tuesday, had our first date on that Saturday, and on Monday night I called him and told him that I didn't care if he was never planning on seeing me again after our first date, I needed to tell him something about me because it was so important to me. So after knowing him for 6 days, and not really even planning on a second date, I told him about my son. And I don't regret it at ALL. It opened up our communication at an extremely early stage, and it built a foundation for a strong relationship. And to be honest, if he hadn't wanted to date me after that, he wouldn't be worth my time anyway. Consider it a test :)
Sorry for the rambling. Just my thoughts on your post :) Hope you are doing well, your Darling is beautiful!
-k