AN ANSWER

You Are The Fortunate All The Time.

            A week agoI was on the internet (big surprise) and stumbled on a status update from The RHouse on my Facebook feed asking the readers if they could ask a birthfatheranything at all, what would it be. Well, those who responded just so happen tobe in luck because I AM a birthfather and I AM going to answer their questions.

            The firstquestion was “what is your biggest fear regarding the birth child?”

My biggest fear for Darling is her health growing up. I’mfearful that she will end up with traits from me that made parenting difficultfor my parents.  I am verygrateful for her parents who have means to take care of these things if theywere to occur, but I do pray she doesn’t have any of the problems (due to her genes) that I had. Also I hope she doesn’t get my jaw, fouryears of braces with headgear would be traumatizing to any child lol.

            The secondquestions is “how do you REALLY feel? Behind therough/manly/defensive/bully-like/overprotective exterior, what exists?”

I really liked this question. I feel like I don’t know howto answer this. I feel grateful for the blessing to be able to have arelationship with Darling beyond the delivery room. I feel sad that I don’thave the same with her mother. I feel wonderful that this whole experience hashappened for so many different reasons.

What exists behind my “exterior” is Benjamin. I am just likeany other person I think. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it is the truth. Imade a very tough decision just like everyone else has done in life. Maybe minewas more extreme based on the way others view it, but I don’t think so. Whatexists is a person who struggles, who succeeds, who laughs, who feels insecure,and joy, and sadness, and frustration, and who tries their hardest to do whatthey should. I think we all do.

            The thirdquestion is “What can I do as an adoptive mother to help you?”

Don’t read into this answer. Treat me like a person.Remember that I am half of the equation that gave you the blessing you now callyour child. Don’t feel threatened by me. Give me space, but keep me close. Behonest with me about how you feel, and above all be able to forgive me when Ifalter.

            The fourthquestion is “What message do you want to give to our child- about you, aboutlife…”

I want Darling to know (pretty sure she already does) that I love her. I want her to know that life is a wonderful thing, and should be viewed as such. Don’t ever seclude yourself from others because you feel like they won’t like you. Your brothers are life’s built-in best friends. Your mother and father are your safety net for so many things that you can’t even comprehend. Make sure they all know you love them, even if you think you hate them. And above all… Wear Sunscreen.

            The fifthand final question is “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Darling the reason I didn’t fight for you is because I loveyou. You are the most fortunate girl because of all you have because I didn't fight. You have a loving family, who will be there for you when you need them.You have birth parents who love you as well. You are surrounded by so much loveyou might not even realize it at times. I didn’t fight for you because I love you, and love is not a fight. Love is a warm hug from your mother, it’s when your father comes to your dance recital even though he is behind at work; it's when your brother kisses your scrapped knee to make it feel better. Love is awonderful thing; it heals all wounds and brings families together. You are solucky to have parents AND birth parents who love you. 

WALKING

We Slide From Top To Bottom, Then We Turn & Slide Again.

            About threeweeks ago I went to go visit with Darling and the J Family again. The visit was just lovely. We met at a pizzeria by where they live, and had dinner while catching up on one another’s lives. The picture above isof little Darling, who as you may have noticed does not look like me much anymore (I guess three months will do that to a baby lol).

            However I did not sit down at my computer to tell you about how adorable she and her family are together; which they are by the way! But to sort of say something Iam sure all of you have read on birthmother blogs before. To take notice abouthow “easy” it was for me to return to a normal life.

            When I use the term “easy” I use it loosely in this context, meaning to say that it was not as hard for me to carry on with normal activities anymore. I stopped having“episodes” of crying fits at work, and certainly not at home. I could do my work without having that reminder in the back of my head that I still have something to take care of. In fact I might dare say that if it were not for thepicture I have of her in my apartment and the emails I get, I might notremember at all. And I think it is just wonderful!

            This is oneof the many MANY reasons I know we made the right choice. I don’t have regrets about it, I don’t sit and dwell on the “coulda been’s”. I just wake up in themorning and go to work. I focus on my work while I am there, and on my daysoff, I look for friends to hang out with. Before I would sit and think about itall day and just ferment about every little detail and all the “what if’s”. Butit just doesn’t happen anymore. I just stopped worrying about little details. ANDIT’S AWESOME!

            I guess youcould say that I’m sort of just saying this for other birthparents out there,or potential birthparents. But it is seriously nice to have the “hard part”done with. Don’t think that means that I don’t still have times where I am sad,or wonder how she is, or have weird dreams ß That one’s been happeninga lot. But I don’t have that feeling of “impending doom” anymore.

            It’s been areal blessing for me, and has allowed me to do really well at work. I’ve been focused so much there with the at risk youth at the center, and it’s really started to show with how I handle things. But I feel like I’m getting of topic.

            To wrap itup, I just want to say thanks to all the people who read and have posted linkson their blogs for others. And I’m sorry if any of the terms I used while I was writing this offended anyone. If they did, you should lighten up a little. After all, this is my adoption story, and you aren’t telling it for me. Also…the music for today’s blog doesn’t entirely fit except for the line I posted atthe beginning. Oh well….