Tuesday, July 19, 2011

RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter




            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.



            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!



            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.



            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.



            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?



            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

19 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you. :-) So very very proud and happy for you. You did the right thing.

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  2. You are a remarkable person, Benjamin.

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  3. Love to you, Benjamin! I have been worried about your heart! So glad you've found some peace.

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  4. "I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case"
    When I placed Robbie I was sad for a very long time. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I had placed him with people I'd only met twice, people who were strangers. I didn't know much about them, their personalities, or how committed to open adoption they were. So the anxiety and fear of the unknown added a lot to my depression.
    However, when I placed William it was with people I had already been friends with and knew pretty well. I didn't have any fear, anxiety, or doubts about how things would be done and how the relationship would be handled. It made a huge difference. While of course I was horribly sad to let William go, knowing who he was with gave me peace and I was so happy for my friends.
    So I guess what I'm saying is that it's not entirely surprising that you are not crushed with sadness. You seem to have a very good relationship with Darlings parents, and I'm sure that makes it easier to relax and let her go.
    Congratulations Ben, she is beautiful :)

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  5. Thank you for being so willing to share such personal thoughts, feelings and experiences. So rarely does the view of a birth father get shared and you've done so quite eloquently.

    I wish you peace, happiness and joy in your future endeavors. And congratulations, she's beautiful.

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  6. Perfect way to express your feelings. :) She is amazingly beautiful.

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  7. :0)I didnt think that would make me cry but it did. very heart felt. Your such a strong guy.. I dont think i could ever do it but you get mad props for it

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  8. I am glad that things went okay with Darling's arrival. She is truly an amazing little miracle and such a cutie.

    I wish you peace along this lifelong journey called adoption. You gave your little girl everything and I know that her adoptive parents will make sure she knows how much & how deeply you love her.

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  9. I am so happy for you and your baby darling. She is beautiful!

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  10. SHE IS SO PRECIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL!!! You have been on my mind so much. Yes it is very, very hard, but you are such a strong man and father for putting her first. There will be peace and joy through the pain, I promise that. A lot will come from you feeling secure in your decision and knowing you made the best decision for her. You are a hero in my eyes.

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  11. Those lippies!

    Beautiful post. Thinking of you.

    XO

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  12. Thank you for sharing your story. I recently found your blog and I've been reading through your posts and I think you're great. It takes courage to share your thoughts and your perspective through such a hard time. I admire you. Thank you.

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  13. Congratulations, she is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience and your emotions. Darling is lucky to have you as a birth father. So few adopted children have such a wonderful privileged.

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  14. "It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be."

    I know what you mean. It hurts to admit how freeing that can be. It gets easier, then harder again, simpler, and more complicated. But it's good to know that there's some company out there, someone else with similar questions.
    It's good to find another first father.

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  15. Ben, I just want to hug you- I'm posting you again on my blog and talking about our birth father and all birth fathers- feel free to chime it! PS i liked your selfish remarks:)

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  16. Our baby's birth dad didn't hold her at all. I felt so sad about it, but I understood it was what he needed. The next time he saw her (at 6 weeks old) he held and snuggled her a ton.
    I think you said it right: I didn’t want her to not be mine.

    Thanks for your story.

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  17. That last picture made me cry...
    I'm so glad I read this post and I'm also glad my youngest daughter's birthfather was involoved with her adoption. I love reading your perspective - it helps me to understand what he was probably feeling too. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!!!

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  18. Beautiful post. It's always good to hear the birth father's perspective. I'm a birth mother of 2 and one of the birth fathers only saw our baby once but never took the chance to see him again. My birth children are 11 and almost 8 now. It still hurts sometimes but I don't regret the choice at all. It's so wonderful to know they are safe and happy.

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