SELFISHNESS

And That’s Why I’m A Humanist.

Not so long ago I was chatting with some friends about my severe amount of hatred for other people. I spoke of the fact that for me it is like a religion. I referenced one of my best friends, who when asked about me at a party for why I was so rude, replied by saying “Who Benjamin? Oh yeah, that guy hates EVERYONE…. even me”.

This is not the actual truth of the matter. I had been thinking about this post I’m working on. Yes this one you are reading right now. And well I wanted to talk about people in my generation and how very much I despise them. Seeing as my last two posts have been directly related to my adoption story. I thought that with this one I would try taking a different route. Using my disdain for my peers; I will talk about something I feel needs to be talked about. SELFISHNESS.

Here are the facts.

1. The majority of birthmothers placing for adoption do so alone.

2. A lot of the time the father doesn’t even know about the child’s existence.

3. Most of the time these days when a man is aware; he bails.

4. This status quo has been set by decades of reoccurrence.

5. This needs to change.

When I think about my friends, I can tell you all the things that I love about them. I love the fact that if I ever want to go to a concert, I have at least as many friends as I do fingers on one hand to call (which is more than enough). I love that if I ever need someone to just vent to, I have somewhere around a dozen of them I can call at nearly any hour of the day and they will listen. I say all this so that you can know that I truly do love all my friends and feel blessed to have them. And now I rant.

Let me paint a picture of a man for you. Short spikey hair, and or baseball cap turned backward. Oakley sunglasses. An Affliction or Ed Hardy t-shirt. Designer jeans that cost more than I would spend on a car payment. And to top it off, a wrist watch with a face bigger than a clock found hanging from Flavor Flav’s neck.

The majority of us would see this, and inside our heads would yell “DOUCHE!” This is the man that I will talk about. And more to the point, about the fact that too many kids in my generation want to be this guy.

I hate to say it, (I don’t really) but today the majority of guys want to get laid. They want to get laid, and that’s about it. They may seem like they truly do care about a girl, but the fact of the matter is that they really just want to have a good roll in the hay. They will tell young maidens that they love them, that they will be there for them, and that they don’t care what others think about them together. But I have found that it just isn’t so. A good song that makes a very clear image of this is “Tiny Vessels” by Death Cab For Cutie.

I have seen it time and again where a female friend of mine will tell me about how they feel used because the guy they were with left them shortly after having intercourse for the first time. And not just leaving them, but leaving their life altogether. They will leave by doing things such as not answering phone calls, or responding to text messages, and deleting them from social networking sites. (Starting to sound familiar?)

The other thing they will do; is they will ignore the girl until they want more action. Using excuses such as. “I have been studying for finals” and “I have been swamped at work and not had time to do hardly anything” or “I have just had a lot on my mind and needed some time to think things through”. While all these may actually be legitimate reasons to not talk to someone. They are also the common ones used by the users.

Tell me. What happened to the days when men acted like they were just that, MEN!? There was once a time when a man opened doors for a woman even if he didn’t know her. There was a time when a man would stay by his woman in marriage. There was a time when a man would take care of his children, and not because he had to.

It has gone on so long now that men abandon women. They leave them on their own to deal with life. They make them face the consequences of the actions they made together alone. Men my age seem to have forgotten what it means to be a man. I have found that because of this stigma on my generation. It has made it difficult for the real men to be successful in their endeavors. This can be seen in them dating, and even just looking for work. There is pre-judgment on us that we can’t seem to avoid.

The place where this has hurt me the most personally is in my own daughter’s placement for adoption. The first two times I met with the adoption agency they had the idea that I was one of two men. The first being the man that was just going to leave after I saw that the mother was going to place, and the second being the man that is going to block the adoption so he can raise his child on his own.

These next two paragraphs are probably not 100% accurate, and there is probably some paraphrasing going on in them. But this is what stuck in my memory.

The first meeting I had with my case worker was not smooth. I walked into the room and the first thing he said to me was “You seem agitated”. BING BING BING!!! Is the sound I heard in my head. Oh yes, I am very much so. I am upset about the fact that I have been asking for over a month now to get more information on what adoption means for us and our daughter and just now am getting it (or so I thought). I spoke in that meeting mainly about the fact that I felt alienated by the mother, her family, and the agency for never once contacting me to be involved in the adoption process, or to even ask if I was ok with it.

The second meeting was slightly better. While I was able to get a lot of my own thoughts and emotions out to the agency and the mother (we were in this meeting together). I was still not being understood. My case worker asked me if I support the adoption. I responded by telling him ‘Yes! I don’t want to block our child from being adopted at any point”. He said “So if you support the adoption, then you’ll sign a relinquishment form?” My response was no. He didn’t seem to understand and said “So you don’t fully support the adoption?” I told him that I simply couldn’t sign away my rights as a parent until I knew that my child was going to be taken care of and who would be doing that for them. (After that things got very much so better and the agency and I had gotten the same page)

While many of the friends that I have made since starting my journey, (And many of them being Adoptive Parents) see my story and think of how wronged I was. They think of how it isn’t fair for me to have been treated as a nuisance. I will remind you all of how very unfair men have treated women in this situation before me. Of all the men who left before even knowing that there was a baby coming at all. Of all the men who forced the mothers hand to either give their child to someone who is able to take care of them the way they want them to be. Or choose to raise the child on their own, and face the many hurdles to come without the help of a father and partner to rely on.

The selfishness of men in my generation and of any men generations before me needs to end. These men need to have a wake up call. Women need to stop allowing men to treat them poorly. When you see a big red flag shoot up. TAKE THE WARNING! That is what it was meant for in the first place, to warn you that this “man” is not what he seems to be, or what you are looking for. I know that pickin’s can be slim when you are picky. But just think about the long term outcome ladies. Listen to your parent’s advice. And most importantly, stay strong.

This is the song that best embodies my HATE religion.

RUNNING

I’d wait for you outside the courtroom, and taunt you when all your appeals were declined.

I put my headphones in. Select “The Carter III” by Lil Wayne. Stretch my legs. And start down the street. I find my rhythm and just keep going. 3 or 4 blocks later I start to burn in my chest. I want to stop, but can’t allow it until I have made it all the way around the park. That means I still have another mile and a half. This is my morning regimen. I wake up at around 6:00 AM and go for a run.

Lately I have been thinking about how my decision making is a lot like running. But rather than the first thought that probably popped into your head. Of running away from. It is more like running at. Which at times can be equally as damaging. On the morning of December 1^st the mother of my child called me. She said that she knew now that we could not wed; that things between us would not work. She told me that we would be placing our child for adoption.

I spoke to the mother in a very matter of fact sort of tone. I told her that I would support her decision about us. And I would respect her wishes about what she wanted for our child. I also told her that She needed to respect mine. I told her that I was not sure if placing is the right decision for both of us. I told her I would activate my rights. I told her that while she may feel like she isn’t ready to be a mother. That doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to be a father. That was the start of our fighting.

From there on out the mother fought me on everything it seemed. She stopped answering phone calls. She wouldn’t respond to texts. I had even gone as far as to contact her parents (whom she lives with) directly to get her to respond to me. For me it was a VERY frustrating experience. To have a person who had more leverage than myself think that she was making adult decisions and yet not act as an adult should. I felt like I was having my child taken from me, and that the person doing so was not able to even put together a coherent sentence.

(I’m going to rant for a minute here)

This is to birthmothers. If you are considering placement, I truly hope that you know that I think that it is a wonderful thing. That your love for your child can literally be measured. And that I hope that your decision stays with you well. If the birthfather is involved. LET HIM SPEAK HIS MIND!!!

Understand that most states have ways for him to take that baby from you. Understand that if he wanted, he could take away all your hopes and dreams to have an open adoption and be able to know your child. He could steal that baby from you, and you may never get the chance to see your child again. Yes that is a very dramatic and not likely outcome; but just know what he can do.

That is precisely what I wanted to do to my child’s mother when she started acting that way. When she started shutting me out. It took a lot of self control on my part to not go to court. It took a lot to not have her served papers. And it took a lot for me to not take her baby away and NEVER let her see or hear about them again.

This is why my decision making is like running. While I was so very angry at the mother for being the way she was. All I could think about was making her as miserable as she was making me. So I made that decision and started at it. Now here is the problem with my decision making. Just like running. It is hard to cope with things as they come your way. You have so much momentum built going in one direction that it is hard to stop, change direction, or deal with other things being thrown at you.

Imagine you are a soldier at war. You are on the battle field and you see one of your platoon members go down ahead of you. You start running to aid them, But in doing so you are not able to avoid gun fire as easily. You don’t have as much time to react to things happening around you.

Well just like running, the more you run, the more tired you get. When that happens your feet start lifting lower from the ground. When this happened for me, I started stumbling over the cracks. The more and more is stumbled, the slower I went. The slower I went, the more and more I thought about what I was doing.

I tripped so many times, that I had to stop. I stopped and looked around. I looked at where I had gone. I was no longer in the beautiful park with trees and grass and playgrounds. I was in the industrial park just a few hundred feet from a notorious gang member’s house. I had been so blinded by the thought of “I gotta get there, and I gotta get there yesterday!”. That I didn’t ever really think about where the journey went through.

The good thing for me is that I know that while the path that leads to placement is full of thorny bushes and poison grasses. It is also surrounded by something beautiful. That is LOVE. In this instance it will be the beauty of nature. While running down the road to destroy my child’s mother’s dreams. I was unaware of the changing of my scenery until I was nearly to far away from what my real goal was. So while I will still run in the direction of placement. (old habits die hard) On this path the dangers are more prevalent, and are therefore easier to avoid. I know that some of these stickers and thorns will still get me while I’m on my way. But at least on this road my heart is staying in the right place, and I won’t lose my way completely.

Please listen to the WHOLE song for today’s post. If you don’t you will not get the message that is meant to be taken from it.

PRIDE

I Always Mistake It For Progress.

I will start today by saying that I have been thinking about how to start this blog for a few days. I have been meditating on what it is I want to say for the last hour. What I decided was that for me, this will be a place to release my thoughts; whatever they may be. With that in mind, I want anyone reading to know that I think A LOT. The majority of my time is spent thinking about things not going on around me. Even when I am interacting with other individuals, I am usually thinking about something else; and usually that is something that is very far down the road.

The proudest moment of my entire life happened on October 27th 2010. I sat on the edge of my bed wringing my hands, trying to distract myself with thoughts of work the next day. Then the woman that I was in love with handed me a small piece of plastic. I sat there staring at it for at least a minute. There, clear as day, were two pink lines. As a wave of emotions crashed down on me, I never felt more proud, fearful, nervous, and anxious. I could have sat there for days letting it consume me. But instead I did what I knew was needed the most at that point. I held her. I held her as close to me as I possibly could. I told her I love her, kissed her, and said I will always be here for her no matter what. At that moment, we knew we were going to have a baby.

My pride is an amazing thing to me. I find myself being prideful on a daily basis. If it is even something simple like the appearance of my hair, or the way I am dressed. One of the things that I take the most pride in, is my own personal opinions. I can honestly say that one thing that bothers me more than anything else is when I am misunderstood. I take pride in being very well thought out. And having reasons for why I am the way I am. That can relate to my taste in music, what I eat, and even to the clothes that I wear.

I love my Baby Darling. I love her more than my favorite band, or my favorite dessert. I love her more than I need air to breathe. And I say that with confidence because if it came down to me or her. She would be the one still here. It seems that from time to time I think people don't understand what a true love for another person means. So here is what it means to me.

As a father, the world will tell me that I have a right to raise her, even if that means on my own. They will tell me that; even if the mother doesn't agree with me to do so. They would tell me that I should fight the mother on raising her. I will say that almost more than anything else in this world, I want to keep my little girl. I want to be able to sing her to sleep at night. I want to be able to hold her in my arms while we watch movies. I want to be able to be there for her while she grows. You wonder now what it is that I want more than that?

I want her to love her mother too. And I know for fact that were I to raise her on my own, the mother and I would fight about it constantly. We would argue about who knows what is best for her. We would probably even argue about what type of fruit snacks to put in her lunch box for school hahaha. The point is, that even though I know what the world will tell me to do. And even though my pride for my daughter is great. My pride for the way I want my daughter to be raised is even greater. I want my daughter to be able to have reasons for the way she thinks. I want her to do well in school because that is what she wants. I want her to attend church because she believes in her Heavenly Father. I want her to be like me.

I don't do anything to please others, if it doesn't also please my own pride. And that is not always easy. I have already stated that I love my Baby Darling very much. And in a perfect world, I would marry the mother. In a perfect world Baby Darling would have both of her biological parents with her. I have said that one thing I want to make sure to do for my family when I do start it; is every single day I want my wife to KNOW that I love her. I never want her to even think to question it. And that is the same thing I want for my children. I want my sons and daughters to know every day that their father loves them. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. And that no matter what, I will make time for them.

My pride for how much I want to show my children every day that I love them has been a very difficult thing to overcome. I want to be able to show them at all times that I am here to support them. And well lets be honest. Adoption doesn't really allow me that opportunity. Today I am facing the fact that as great as an open adoption can be. It is not the idea I had in my head. It is not going to be as close to me raising my daughter as I want it to be. And that for me, is a painful thought to wrestle.

Fortunately for me, my pride pushes me forward. My pride tells me that my little girl needs to have a mother and a father. And that even if she decides she hates me later when she learns that I let her go. It tells me that I did the right thing because I love her. My pride of my love for her will always remind me that the mother and I did the right thing. And the best I can hope for, is that one day she will understand that. And that one day, she will love us both for making that very painful decision.

Today I started a blog. I started it with the intention to help Birthmothers through the very difficult decision to place their child. I started it to help any Birthfathers who are like me. I started it to help Adoptive Parents better understand our heartache. And most of all, I started it hoping that one day a little girl I call Darling, will be able to feel the love her mother and I have for her.

P.S. Here is a song that has been helping me the last few days.