Tuesday, March 1, 2011


And That’s Why I’m A Humanist.

Not so long ago I was chatting with some friends about my severe amount of hatred for other people. I spoke of the fact that for me it is like a religion. I referenced one of my best friends, who when asked about me at a party for why I was so rude, replied by saying “Who Benjamin? Oh yeah, that guy hates EVERYONE…. even me”.

This is not the actual truth of the matter. I had been thinking about this post I’m working on. Yes this one you are reading right now. And well I wanted to talk about people in my generation and how very much I despise them. Seeing as my last two posts have been directly related to my adoption story. I thought that with this one I would try taking a different route. Using my disdain for my peers; I will talk about something I feel needs to be talked about. SELFISHNESS.

Here are the facts.
1. The majority of birthmothers placing for adoption do so alone.
2. A lot of the time the father doesn’t even know about the child’s existence.
3. Most of the time these days when a man is aware; he bails.
4. This status quo has been set by decades of reoccurrence.
5. This needs to change.

When I think about my friends, I can tell you all the things that I love about them. I love the fact that if I ever want to go to a concert, I have at least as many friends as I do fingers on one hand to call (which is more than enough). I love that if I ever need someone to just vent to, I have somewhere around a dozen of them I can call at nearly any hour of the day and they will listen. I say all this so that you can know that I truly do love all my friends and feel blessed to have them. And now I rant.

Let me paint a picture of a man for you. Short spikey hair, and or baseball cap turned backward. Oakley sunglasses. An Affliction or Ed Hardy t-shirt. Designer jeans that cost more than I would spend on a car payment. And to top it off, a wrist watch with a face bigger than a clock found hanging from Flavor Flav’s neck.

The majority of us would see this, and inside our heads would yell “DOUCHE!” This is the man that I will talk about. And more to the point, about the fact that too many kids in my generation want to be this guy.

I hate to say it, (I don’t really) but today the majority of guys want to get laid. They want to get laid, and that’s about it. They may seem like they truly do care about a girl, but the fact of the matter is that they really just want to have a good roll in the hay. They will tell young maidens that they love them, that they will be there for them, and that they don’t care what others think about them together. But I have found that it just isn’t so. A good song that makes a very clear image of this is “Tiny Vessels” by Death Cab For Cutie.

I have seen it time and again where a female friend of mine will tell me about how they feel used because the guy they were with left them shortly after having intercourse for the first time. And not just leaving them, but leaving their life altogether. They will leave by doing things such as not answering phone calls, or responding to text messages, and deleting them from social networking sites. (Starting to sound familiar?)

The other thing they will do; is they will ignore the girl until they want more action. Using excuses such as. “I have been studying for finals” and “I have been swamped at work and not had time to do hardly anything” or “I have just had a lot on my mind and needed some time to think things through”. While all these may actually be legitimate reasons to not talk to someone. They are also the common ones used by the users.

Tell me. What happened to the days when men acted like they were just that, MEN!? There was once a time when a man opened doors for a woman even if he didn’t know her. There was a time when a man would stay by his woman in marriage. There was a time when a man would take care of his children, and not because he had to.

It has gone on so long now that men abandon women. They leave them on their own to deal with life. They make them face the consequences of the actions they made together alone. Men my age seem to have forgotten what it means to be a man. I have found that because of this stigma on my generation. It has made it difficult for the real men to be successful in their endeavors. This can be seen in them dating, and even just looking for work. There is pre-judgment on us that we can’t seem to avoid.

The place where this has hurt me the most personally is in my own daughter’s placement for adoption. The first two times I met with the adoption agency they had the idea that I was one of two men. The first being the man that was just going to leave after I saw that the mother was going to place, and the second being the man that is going to block the adoption so he can raise his child on his own.

These next two paragraphs are probably not 100% accurate, and there is probably some paraphrasing going on in them. But this is what stuck in my memory.

The first meeting I had with my case worker was not smooth. I walked into the room and the first thing he said to me was “You seem agitated”. BING BING BING!!! Is the sound I heard in my head. Oh yes, I am very much so. I am upset about the fact that I have been asking for over a month now to get more information on what adoption means for us and our daughter and just now am getting it (or so I thought). I spoke in that meeting mainly about the fact that I felt alienated by the mother, her family, and the agency for never once contacting me to be involved in the adoption process, or to even ask if I was ok with it.

The second meeting was slightly better. While I was able to get a lot of my own thoughts and emotions out to the agency and the mother (we were in this meeting together). I was still not being understood. My case worker asked me if I support the adoption. I responded by telling him ‘Yes! I don’t want to block our child from being adopted at any point”. He said “So if you support the adoption, then you’ll sign a relinquishment form?” My response was no. He didn’t seem to understand and said “So you don’t fully support the adoption?” I told him that I simply couldn’t sign away my rights as a parent until I knew that my child was going to be taken care of and who would be doing that for them. (After that things got very much so better and the agency and I had gotten the same page)

While many of the friends that I have made since starting my journey, (And many of them being Adoptive Parents) see my story and think of how wronged I was. They think of how it isn’t fair for me to have been treated as a nuisance. I will remind you all of how very unfair men have treated women in this situation before me. Of all the men who left before even knowing that there was a baby coming at all. Of all the men who forced the mothers hand to either give their child to someone who is able to take care of them the way they want them to be. Or choose to raise the child on their own, and face the many hurdles to come without the help of a father and partner to rely on.

The selfishness of men in my generation and of any men generations before me needs to end. These men need to have a wake up call. Women need to stop allowing men to treat them poorly. When you see a big red flag shoot up. TAKE THE WARNING! That is what it was meant for in the first place, to warn you that this “man” is not what he seems to be, or what you are looking for. I know that pickin’s can be slim when you are picky. But just think about the long term outcome ladies. Listen to your parent’s advice. And most importantly, stay strong.

This is the song that best embodies my HATE religion.


  1. It takes a BIG person to see both sides of the story and to understand where someone is coming from and why. This is a good reminder for me (not because I have red flags going up about my man, haha) because I think that there are so many times when it's easier to just see our pain and our hurt when it's usually someone else's pain and hurt that has caused a person's response to a situation. We don't have to accept that it will always be this way, but we have to accept that is IS this way and then we can change it. I feel like that's what you're saying in one way. . .underneath all that "hate." And hopefully I don't sound all confusing in my very general terms. . .

  2. Last paragraph way my favorite. :)

  3. I agree- I love that last part. Men have an unfortunate history of disrespecting women. However, we women let them. So in a way, we are at fault as well.
    If they weren't allowed to get away with things like they often are, I don't think it would happen as often. But if their actions seem to have no consequence, why change them?

  4. Wow. As a single woman, I am sad to admit that men in my generation are still this way with women quite often. It's been building and becoming more of a plague for the last few generations. It's fascinating that you are able to recognize this in your own generation and rebuke those who continue to do it. As long as women mistake sex for love and acceptance, it will continue. Not sure how to change what seems to be "the way" women are.

  5. i wish i could adopt you lol! you are so awesome!
    keep doin what you are doing and you can change the status quo. use your voice.