I Said “Water” Expecting The Word Would Satisfy My Thirst.
I see myself sitting here in my basement room at night just letting my thoughts stew and ferment as I write each new blog post. I will let them consume me in order to be able to let them out in a manner that is more constructive. I usually will write about the emotion I have been feeling the most. Or I will write about the event(s) causing this emotion. And before I plunge into the pool of my emotion I will remind you all again that this blog is my way of letting emotions out. I write them so I can release them from myself and can then not be hung up on them.
Over the past few days I have been doing my best to avoid acknowledging having this emotion. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that I do not need to feel that way. I received an email on Friday morning that Darling’s mother had gotten a confirmation for herself about who the right family for Darling is. I was ecstatic! Not only was I joyful that she knew, but also that it was the same family I felt was best for our Darling. Joyous times right? Wrong.
All I could seem to think about was the fact that I found it so alienating that yet again I was not ACTUALLY involved in my daughter’s adoption. I didn’t have a choice at all really. It was more like I was just being told “oh that’s a nice choice there Benjamin, know what? We will hang this on the fridge so everyone can see it to be proud”. I had no sway in the decision at all (That I am aware of)! I feel like I had been taken advantage of. This is the second time I have felt used by the mother. And the first was not better by any means.
I have correspondence with the agency and have them telling me what the MOTHER chose, and how the MOTHER feels, and if the MOTHER is comfortable allowing me to be involved. News flash everyone. Darling has a FATHER too! A FATHER who loves and cares about her. A FATHER who wants the best for her too. And a FATHER who has a lot more experience and exposure to the adoption world than the MOTHER ever has. So pardon me when I grimace as you shove the spoiled leftovers down my throat.
The second reason I have been feeling this way is due to the fact that Darling’s mother refuses to talk to me, and I therefore have no idea how she thinks of me. I am the type of person who always prepares for the worst possible outcome. I would like to be ready for whatever may be thrown at me. Due to this, I get the idea that she is thinking horrible things about me and that is why she does this. That is not something I feel comfortable with at all. The thought that Darling may ask her mother about me someday and all she will hear is about how at first I tried to fight her on the adoption. I fear that she will not hear what was actually happening. That I feel responsible to care for her and that I didn’t know yet that adoption was the right thing.
It bothers me that even after I had gotten the confirmation for myself that it is indeed the correct thing. That all I wanted was to help her mother and support her through it, only to have more and more doors shut in my face. Having someone tell you that you will not be there for your child’s birth (in the hospital at all) and you may not even see them before they are placed; is not something that sits well for me. Those are the type of statements that make me wonder if adoption IS the right thing. Yes my Darling will be in a loving home and cared for, but I’ll be completely honest and admit that I’m being selfish in thinking this. I NEED TO BE OK WITH IT TOO!!! I need closure just like she does. I’m sorry for being the prideful man that I am, and also needing to feel that the right thing is being done. I cannot just give my child to someone I don’t know. And most certainly cannot do it when I haven’t been able to have that moment of intimacy where even though she can’t understand what I’m saying. I tell her how much I love her. And that I will always be there for her, even if I’m not actually there.
I know for a fact that I will NEVER say a bad word about Darling’s mother, to Darling. And that even though I may have very defined thoughts and emotions about her, and I may express them to others. If anyone ever says anything bad about Darling’s mother, immediately get defensive and scold them (if not worse) for saying those things. I can say what I say because it directly affects me. Darling’s mother has not done anything to anyone else I have close to me. I therefore feel they have no right to ever feel as though they have been wronged by her. The only thing is that I fear that one day that will stop happening. That one day I will stop wanting to help the mother if she asks. That one day she will come to me for support, and I will be gone from that place because I felt pushed from it. And worst of all that not only will I leave, but she will not notice or care.
I am glad that I write these things down. And that I can let them out in a healthy manner instead of bottling them up to be used in spite. I am glad I write them down so that I am then able to understand them better myself. I am also glad that I write down my thoughts and emotions so that I might be able to revisit them later to get the relief I need. If you have not already done so, and even if you have, I would recommend going back to my blog post titled RUNNING. I wrote this, and then read that to be able to show myself again that these are just emotions, and not what I actually want.
This is for you Darling’s mother. I want you to know that I truly care about our daughter. That I only want what is best for her. That I don’t have all the resources that you do, and because of that I sometimes struggle. I want you to know that I do still care about you and your wellbeing. You and I share something that I will never have with anyone else. Our daughter. And that yes, even though it is not the same as it once was. I still love you. And to some extent, I always will.
Here is today’s music link. This is one of my all time favorite bands. I hope you enjoy them.