Tuesday, March 8, 2011

IRE

I Said “Water” Expecting The Word Would Satisfy My Thirst.





I see myself sitting here in my basement room at night just letting my thoughts stew and ferment as I write each new blog post. I will let them consume me in order to be able to let them out in a manner that is more constructive. I usually will write about the emotion I have been feeling the most. Or I will write about the event(s) causing this emotion. And before I plunge into the pool of my emotion I will remind you all again that this blog is my way of letting emotions out. I write them so I can release them from myself and can then not be hung up on them.

IRE:

Over the past few days I have been doing my best to avoid acknowledging having this emotion. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that I do not need to feel that way. I received an email on Friday morning that Darling’s mother had gotten a confirmation for herself about who the right family for Darling is. I was ecstatic! Not only was I joyful that she knew, but also that it was the same family I felt was best for our Darling. Joyous times right? Wrong.

All I could seem to think about was the fact that I found it so alienating that yet again I was not ACTUALLY involved in my daughter’s adoption. I didn’t have a choice at all really. It was more like I was just being told “oh that’s a nice choice there Benjamin, know what? We will hang this on the fridge so everyone can see it to be proud”. I had no sway in the decision at all (That I am aware of)! I feel like I had been taken advantage of. This is the second time I have felt used by the mother. And the first was not better by any means.

I have correspondence with the agency and have them telling me what the MOTHER chose, and how the MOTHER feels, and if the MOTHER is comfortable allowing me to be involved. News flash everyone. Darling has a FATHER too! A FATHER who loves and cares about her. A FATHER who wants the best for her too. And a FATHER who has a lot more experience and exposure to the adoption world than the MOTHER ever has. So pardon me when I grimace as you shove the spoiled leftovers down my throat.

The second reason I have been feeling this way is due to the fact that Darling’s mother refuses to talk to me, and I therefore have no idea how she thinks of me. I am the type of person who always prepares for the worst possible outcome. I would like to be ready for whatever may be thrown at me. Due to this, I get the idea that she is thinking horrible things about me and that is why she does this. That is not something I feel comfortable with at all. The thought that Darling may ask her mother about me someday and all she will hear is about how at first I tried to fight her on the adoption. I fear that she will not hear what was actually happening. That I feel responsible to care for her and that I didn’t know yet that adoption was the right thing.

It bothers me that even after I had gotten the confirmation for myself that it is indeed the correct thing. That all I wanted was to help her mother and support her through it, only to have more and more doors shut in my face. Having someone tell you that you will not be there for your child’s birth (in the hospital at all) and you may not even see them before they are placed; is not something that sits well for me. Those are the type of statements that make me wonder if adoption IS the right thing. Yes my Darling will be in a loving home and cared for, but I’ll be completely honest and admit that I’m being selfish in thinking this. I NEED TO BE OK WITH IT TOO!!! I need closure just like she does. I’m sorry for being the prideful man that I am, and also needing to feel that the right thing is being done. I cannot just give my child to someone I don’t know. And most certainly cannot do it when I haven’t been able to have that moment of intimacy where even though she can’t understand what I’m saying. I tell her how much I love her. And that I will always be there for her, even if I’m not actually there.

I know for a fact that I will NEVER say a bad word about Darling’s mother, to Darling. And that even though I may have very defined thoughts and emotions about her, and I may express them to others. If anyone ever says anything bad about Darling’s mother, immediately get defensive and scold them (if not worse) for saying those things. I can say what I say because it directly affects me. Darling’s mother has not done anything to anyone else I have close to me. I therefore feel they have no right to ever feel as though they have been wronged by her. The only thing is that I fear that one day that will stop happening. That one day I will stop wanting to help the mother if she asks. That one day she will come to me for support, and I will be gone from that place because I felt pushed from it. And worst of all that not only will I leave, but she will not notice or care.

I am glad that I write these things down. And that I can let them out in a healthy manner instead of bottling them up to be used in spite. I am glad I write them down so that I am then able to understand them better myself. I am also glad that I write down my thoughts and emotions so that I might be able to revisit them later to get the relief I need. If you have not already done so, and even if you have, I would recommend going back to my blog post titled RUNNING. I wrote this, and then read that to be able to show myself again that these are just emotions, and not what I actually want.

This is for you Darling’s mother. I want you to know that I truly care about our daughter. That I only want what is best for her. That I don’t have all the resources that you do, and because of that I sometimes struggle. I want you to know that I do still care about you and your wellbeing. You and I share something that I will never have with anyone else. Our daughter. And that yes, even though it is not the same as it once was. I still love you. And to some extent, I always will.

Here is today’s music link. This is one of my all time favorite bands. I hope you enjoy them. 

7 comments:

  1. I did not know you wont be included in Darlings arrival... This makes me incredibly sad. I am so sorry, and I pray that Darling's mother changes her mind. What would be the harm in letting you see her? I'm just speculating of course, but perhaps the agency has led her to believe that if you are allowed to see Darling when she is born, then you will change your mind about the adoption... Just a thought.
    This is why there need to be laws protecting first father rights :(

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  2. I think my heart just broke again for you. Not seeing your baby before placement? Oh, that just makes me ache for you. I really hope that things change before. Miracles can and do happen; let's pray for one of those. :)

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  3. You are so right to record all of your thoughts like this. I suffered loss four years ago in an adoption process and started writing (or in some cases spewing) all my thoughts. It helped me as it is helping you. Keep at it. Your words will help you and maybe Darling later on. Keep the words somewhere safe to share with her later if there is a chance for that. I also would urge you to do all you can to protect Darling's rights to see her father at least once before she goes to her forever home. Sending you positive wishes.

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  4. I wish my boys' birth fathers were like you. I wish A) that they wanted to be involved both now and during the pregnancy and B) that they supported their ex-girlfriends.

    Kudos to you!

    I wonder, do YOU have a case worker? Someone that can help you? Maybe a case worker at the same agency as the mother? (Maybe I need to go back and read the older posts. LOL. Sorry, new here saw this link on several FB pages this morning.)

    I am an optimist--to a fault. Can I offer something random to think about? (And I know I do not know the whole story and what you put online is really only a fraction of what the full story is, I am sure.) Maybe her case worker is saying to her, "This is how the FATHER feels." Like I said, one can hope.

    My other hope is that you will get to fall in love with the adoptive family and they will get to fall in love with you. My hope is that an open adoption is arranged and you will continue to be part of your Darling's life and tell her now and also in a time when she can understand how much you love her and that you are there for her.

    We have developed this kind of a relationship with one of our kids' birth fathers (although it has only been through letters from prison) and I LOVE IT! We have left the door open for our other son's birth father to come into our lives whenever he is ready ...but he isn't ready yet. I wish.

    I hope the doors open wider for you too!

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  5. extraextrareadallaboutus.blogspot.comMarch 8, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    You just keep amazing me, you are really one of a kind! :) (Bridget keeps telling me how wonderful you are and now I see it!) Like the others have said, does the adoptive family that Darlings mom (and you somewhat) have picked know that you want to be involved and do they even know about you? I hope so and I hope and pray that they will allow you the same relationship with your daughter as the birth mom. You deserve it just as much, you are just as much a part of her as her mother :) I think I can speak for everyone and especially me that you are in my thoughts and prayers, that Darling's mom will see that it is just as important for you to be there when she is born and to have you hold her and spend time with her. I also hope and pray for the adoptive family to see what an amazing person you are and open there arms and hearts to you also! Stay strong, and thanks again for sharing this most precious experience with us, I think all of us hopeful adoptive parents wish that we could be the lucky ones that Darling's mom and you picked to share Darling's life with, and I hope they know how lucky they are to have such wonderful birth PARENTS!
    Love, Dawnett

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  6. I don't know you, I don't know your daughters birthmother. Your blog was shared with me by another birthmother I know. I wish I could tell your daughters birthmother how lucky she would have been to have had you, supporting the decision that was made to place and to have someone to share in the grief the placement. I wished a thousand times during my pregnancy and post placement that my daughters birth father had cared enough to be there. He spent months dodging phone calls and letters from the agency, ignoring phone calls from me and pretending the whole thing wasn't really happening. I tried to get him involved in the process, to give him the opportunity to meet the aparents and begin a relationship with them so he could continue to have a relationship with our daughter as she grew. He did nothing until the day she was born (I still don't know how he found out I was in the hospital). He showed up in her room and caused such a huge scene, tried to tell the nurses that he was to be notified when she was discharged and not to let her leave with me or the adoption worker that the baby could not leave with anyone but him. All this after having nothing to do with me my entire pregnancy! He was eventually kicked out by hospital security and told that if he came back they would charge him with criminal trespass. Then his mother spent the rest of the day leaving rude, threatening nasty messages on the voicemail of the caseworker. She said they would show up at the court hearing to terminate rights (which happened to be the next day) and block the adoption from happening. She said that we (the caseworker and I) had purposely and maliciously tried to keep him out of the loop to do the adoption behind his back. We sent the paperwork and requests for a meeting to 3 different addresses! I had to do the placement by myself and not knowing whether he was going to block it or not. The aparents took baby H home not knowing if they were going to have to give her back after court the next day. It was an awful day for all of us.
    His mother ended up calling the agency the next day, saying that they had talked it over the night before and decided it was best to let the adoption happen, although they did not agree with it or approve of the couple I had chosen (they didn't like the religion of the couple). HE HAD NEVER EVEN MET THEM OR NOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM!
    I wish that baby H's birthfather had cared as much as it's obvious as you care about your little one. Heck I wish he cared 5% as much as you did. My biggest fear is that while I sit here every day missing baby H and wishing she was here with me, he is out living his life as if she didn't exist at all. I feel like he never thinks about her, misses her, wonders about her. Your childs birthmom had no idea what she had when she chose to keep you out of the circle. You sound like you could have been such a support and understanding shoulder to lean on. How wonderful it would have been to have someone to grieve with. Most birthmothers would give anything to be so lucky.

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  7. This post was truly heartbreaking to me. I wish that you could be more involved in the way you want to be. I really hope the adoptive parents will seek you out and have you be a part of your baby Darling's life. We have an open adoption with our daughter's birth father and it has been so amazing. He, like you, at first didn't want to move forward with the adoption plan. I know he did that though because he loved her so much and wanted to be involved in her life and didn't know how open adoptions were now. He finally decided adoption was best for our daughter less than 2 weeks before she was born. It was stressful to say the least. Are you able to contact the adoptive family directly? Build that relationship with them yourself if the birth mother is keeping you from that. And you have every right to be able to see your daughter before placement. In fact, I would encourage you to be there at the agency when the birth mother is there signing her papers and the adoptive parents there to sign theirs. You deserve to have all the closure you need for this. And you deserve to hold your baby girl before signing any papers. I will definitely be following your story and hoping and praying for the best.

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