This Problem Is Gonna Last More Than The Weekend.
The other day I was chatting with one of my inner circle members (SUG) about wanting to do a follow up post for SELFISHNESS. I wanted to do one that was basically the exact opposite in order to give women a guide for what to look for in men, and a guide for what men should be. I wanted to use good examples. I knew that I was going to be traveling to my grandparents home town and I could think of no greater gentleman than my grandfather. I had intended on using him as a sort of base for what we should be. I had intended on asking him questions about what men were like when he was my age (60 years ago) and what he thought was the biggest difference now. Well unfortunately my grandfather isn't as sharp as he once was. But very fortunately I was given something even better. I was given a new perspective.
I had not told my grandparents on my father's side about the adoption. Not because I didn't want them knowing, but because I figured that since my father spoke to them on a weekly basis he would do it for me. Well about a week ago my mother called me and asked if I would help her at a jewelry show in my grandparents home town. I said yes. She offered to get me a place to stay with some of my other relatives, and while I have nothing against them as people, I would prefer not to be around some of them while they make the choices they make. Kind of the mentality of if you don't put yourself into harms way you can't be harmed.
I just told my mother I would see if I could stay with my grandparents. I had wanted to talk to them anyway per I had recently read my grandfather's biography. I called my father to ask for their number, and while I was on the phone I thought I would ask if they knew of my situation. He informed me that more likely than not, they were unaware of the things happening. Well I called to ask them permission to stay with them anyway and was granted it.
Now the problem was to figure out when I wanted to tell them. I had thought that it might be best to wait untill the end of the trip to inform them, that way I wouldn't have to really worry about any potentially nasty or snide remarks. But I was concerned that I would not be able to keep such a big part of my life secret from them. What I basically decided was, if it comes up, it comes up.
Well I arrived at their house friday night and had a lovely meal. We had eaten a nice soup, and then I set my things in the guest room. I went to the computer and helped my grandmother with the seemingly impossible project of uploading pictures onto facebook. Yes my grandmother has a facebook, and yes I am her friend. Well After that was done I decided to check my email and see how my blog stats were doing. I logged into my email acount and had SEVEN emails telling me of ladies from adoptionvoices.com leaving comments on my page. I knew that they were all regarding the newest news about Darling's mother getting the knowledge of the right family.
Well grandma was sitting in the room and started asking me about the blog. She asked why do people blog? I explained that you can blog about lots of different things. It can be a way for family to stay in contact with eachother, without needing to make a phone call or visit. And seeing as some families work on different time schedules, that can be very beneficial. I also said that you can blog about a certain subject such as cars, music, art, etc. etc. Well grandma asked that one question I had somewhat been dreading. What is your blog about Benjamin? I didn't bother trying to not get around to answering. I mean she needed to know anyway so I showed it to her. I told her the whole story behind it (short winded version) and just showed her the blog.
I was mostly expecting my grandmother to disown me. I kind of had imagined that she would throw me out of the house and tell me to call my mother and find a different place to stay. Well first of all I will say that I truly don't know her well enough. I feel like I have been missing out on such a truly amazing part of my life for entirely too long. And secondly, she did not throw me out into the cold. I must explain before moving forward that I haven't known my father's side of the family hardly at all.
Well that was pretty much it about the adoption for that night. We went to bed after I sort of explained blogging a little more, and that was it. Well I early to go for a run, and did my best to make sure to be nice and quiet, becuase I didn't want to wake them. Well much to my surprise, when I went to go outside I saw my grandmother in the office playing on the computer. She turned and said, I couldn't find your blog! I said well let me just bring it up for you. I got a window with it open for her and then went for my run. Grandma didn't say anything really when I got back, and then we just got ready for the day.
Well at the end of the day upon returning home to have dinner. We started discussing things (that are specifically outlined in the post SELFISHNESS). I asked if she had read that post, and she said she read all of them. That she thought I had done a very good job at writing them. Well I had been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post today, and at that point decided I should. I had just had too many conversations with her about what I was looking for in the view of someone who grew up when men were still gentlemen. And even though it wasn't the source I was originally seeking, it turned out to be just as good, if not better.
Well as it seems all of my more emotional posts go, I got about three paragraphs in and had the water works start. I usually try and avoid this by going for a walk or something, so that is what I did. I went for a walk and just told grandma not to wait up for me, because I wasn't sure how long I would be. When I came back I took my time getting back to the post. I walked back into the office, and sitting there on the keyboard was an article she had laid out for me to read. It told me about how it can be very hard to stay strong in your faith. It said to not be discouraged, and that life may seem difficult now, but I must stay in my beliefs. The part that was truly the most uplifting for me was the note she wrote for me. She told me that she knew I could do this, (I assume she means about the adoption too) and that she loves and has faith in me. This is the first time I had heard this from anyone on my father's side of the family. And for me it was just what I needed.
So this post I am dedicating to my grandmother Janis, I love you very much.
Something that she told me these past few days about Heavenly Father is that he does take his time answering you. Because he knows what you need. This song depicts that very well.