I’m In A Field Of Land Mines
For each of us life a different journey. We go through many experiences that shape us as people. We experience happiness, and joys that we may have never known before. And at times we seem to be surrounded by despair, and depression sets into our everyday thinking. We forget many times what we live for, or why we keep going. Usually this is for brief periods.
Recently I have noticed a trend happening with my fellow adoption supporters. I have noticed that we have been embracing the “Woe is me” thought process. I do not mean to say that it is not acceptable for us to feel alone from time to time. Or that our emotions are not justified or real. But I do mean to say that we need to remember what it is that we are striving for.
I have noticed that the majority of the time when I am thinking of things involved in my own adoption. I tend to think of the extreme variables. What happens after Darling is placed with the family? Will I be able to visit? Will the family still want the mother and me to be involved? Will they prefer us to only be informed of Darling’s growth? I think of these many thoughts and I notice that it has been keeping me up at night. I can only imagine that for Darling’s mother and other birthmothers that it is at least twice as hard to deal with. They have to deal with these thoughts, on top of all the side effects the pregnancy are taking on them. It is then easy to feel like no one can relate. That no one understands.
Hopeful Adoptive Parents:
While birthmothers and birthfathers have a lot on their plate to think about and deal with; I feel like the Hopeful Adoptive Parents take the brunt of the worry and therefore tend to be the most susceptible to “Woe is me”. The reason I feel this way is because they don’t have just one child to think of. They have the potential to think of MANY children to think of. To think of what is best for this child being presented to them (when that happens). Most of the time when I think of the adoption of a child; I think about it from the birthparent’s point of view (big surprise). I think of the fact that I have the ability to say “I love this family, but I don’t think they are right for my child”. It seems so nonchalant and almost easy for me to just make the judgment and then move on. If you really think about it, it only makes sense for me and other birthparents to have this thought process. The numbers in the adoption field are very much so in our favor. There are far fewer birthparents than there are Hopeful Adoptive Parents.
The Hopeful Adoptive Parents have far less opportunity for selection because of this. That means, when an Adoptive Family is selected to be considered for placement they REALLY have to examine what is best for the child. For those of us who are not, take a moment to think about that statement; a person who wants more than anything else to have a new addition to their love circle, to their family. Must then examine if they can do that with any child that is put before them. For birthparents it is so much easier. We have so much of a larger selection to choose from. Hopeful Adoptive Parents do not! Hopeful Adoptive Parents could go YEARS without being selected. The want for a child can become nearly overwhelming for them. And when presented with the opportunity it can become very difficult for them to remember that they must do what is best for the child in the same way that a birthparent must. Even if that means acknowledging that they are not right for the child.
Now that we can see that it happens to each of us in different ways. Let us remember that simple fact. We all go through it. And we all have to work through it in whatever way it is that helps us. This can be through prayer, it can be by writing out thoughts, it can be through the comfort found in music that embraces the emotion being felt, or by connecting with others in the same or different sides of the adoption triad. I am guilty of using all of these coping mechanisms. And I’m sure there are others that may apply to others that I am not even aware of. We just need to remember that it is not only something we all go through. But it is something we need to experience, and the best way is one day at a time.
This is a website that has helped me to be able to handle the whole thing.
Now before I finish I just want to say that one of the things that honestly helps me the most, is the knowledge of all the love that my Darling will receive. I almost feel as though Darling will have a bit of an advantage in that aspect. She will have the knowledge that not only do her Adoptive Parents love her. But that her Birthparents love her as well. I hope that my Darling will always be able to feel that she is loved and wanted by many people. That given the chance many MANY Hopeful Adoptive Parents would welcome her into their lives and families with arms open.
Today’s song is by non other than my all time favorite band. I apologize for anyone that may find it irritating that I will be using them as often as I know I will, but they just get me haha.