CANDOR

Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!