Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!


  1. Trust me, I had the exact same feelings. I know SO many girls that are either the same age as me or YOUNGER and they have all decided to single parent. I felt like everyone in my grade has decided either to get married or single parent or co-parent with the father and not get married. I just remember being bitter thinking, "How could they be a single parent and I couldn't?" I remember thinking they were selfish and it was hard for me to talk to them and be excited for them to have their babies because- I felt like I couldn't be excited to have a baby of my own because I was planning. It doesn't mean I wasn't excited for myself, I just know these girls didn't have to cry every night thinking about losing their babies and just counting down the months/weeks/days when that was going to happen. But I've had to realize adoption is not for everyone. Everyone receives their own answers/personal revelations. But it took me a long time to get there and to realize that. Thanks for writing this. :)You're awesome. You're so good at writing your feelings and putting them out there for everyone to feel what you're feeling. You're personable. It's admirable the way you write.

  2. I think we all have to learn that lesson. No matter how we believe, and how strongly we believe it, we can not ever choose for someone else, ever. We can present ideas, but that is all; sometimes when we think we're pulling someone towards our idea, we're actually pushing them away. It can be a difficult balance.

  3. It is amazing how often I find myself annoyed when I realize I've been forgetting that one simple concept... freedom to choose... and end up judging another's decisions. Candid honesty and open acceptance of anothers right to make their decisions are wonderful virtues. :) Love the post!

  4. I may or may not have had a lesson about the virtues of Christ at church this last Sunday that lead to the whole idea for this post. Hint: I did. lol.

  5. Lol. I totally just about blew milk out of my nose. You just crack me up... "Hint: I did." :)

  6. Um.. I was semi distracted while writing my comment. So I sound like a ra-tard. By, "I felt like I couldn't be excited to have a baby of my own because I was planning..." definitely meant placing instead of planning. for any other grammatical errors- I apologize.

  7. It is very difficult to see people decide something different than what you have decided when you know that your choice has worked out so well for you. But everyone is different. What works for one won't work for another.
    Also, be careful in talking to people about adoption. You aren't a birth parent yet. While you have already been through hard stuff, the hardest is yet to come. A person considering placement giving advice on placement is like some one who is engaged giving advice on marriage. It isn't logical, because they haven't actually been married yet. They are only taking steps towards marriage. Therefore they really have no idea what they are talking about, only an idea.
    Hope you don't take that the wrong way :)

  8. Interesting post. I can relate to you feeling like adoption is a good choice, and wanting to share that with your friends in similar situations. And I am impressed at how well you have thought this through, and realized that people have to make their own choices. I also really like that you acknowledge that you do have contradictions in your belief system. I myself am a self proclaimed adoption hypocrite...to me some things are ok for some people and not for others, but I am human and accept that. Not too many people will admit that. Good job!

    On a side note, I do enjoy reading your blog, mainly because it is an interesting story and one not heard often. I will say, however, I completely agree with what NJABM said. I, like she, don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I do want you to consider it. Adoption is still a warm and fuzzy notion in your head...not a permanent mark upon your character. I usually don't cringe at people's use of terminology, because regardless of what you call something ("placed" vs "gave up" for adoption as an example), it still is what it is, and while you are many things, you are still not a birthparent. And believe me when I say that what you think about adoption before versus what you will think about adoption after placing WILL be two different things. Perhaps not in a negative way (at least I sincerely hope not) but different nonetheless.

    In the meantime, I look forward to future posts. Not too many people blog beforehand...only in the aftermath, and again, I thoroughly enjoy your writing and story. :)