And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore
Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.
I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.
I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.
I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.
My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.
So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.
I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.