SUFFER A THOUGHT

The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.

I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.