Thursday, May 5, 2011


You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.
You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.

ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
Privacy Notice:
This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.


  1. Sending you love, Benjamin. Hang in there!

  2. "I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family."

    Come on over and check out my open adoption, sweetheart. You might be surprised. Also, our birthparents will in fact be there for her first birthday as they were there for her sealing and baby blessing. I'm not saying all open relationships will/should be like that but that kind of openness DOES exist. Just sayin'...

  3. I have to admit that I'm impressed Anonymous was so well written and although he/she was very biased, he/she was not as hostile as I've seen many people get in this type of situation. Your response was excellent. I think you addressed the important issues with him/her. I find it interesting how he/she said, "ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption..." I wonder if Anonymous has really read the blogs him/herself because I thought you've made it VERY clear that, although it wasn't your initial choice, you agree it's what's best and a lot of your pain came from the fact you were/are not being as included as you should be.

    I must say though that by posting this blog you've CLEARLY opened all of us up to a potential lawsuit (lol). I could be mistaken but I'm pretty sure I am not "the individual or entity to which it is addressed". And if you read my other blog comment I seem to have copied "strictly prohibited communication." Maybe I should hire a lawyer? Maybe YOU should hire a lawyer since you're absolutely guilty of "dissemination, distribution or copying." (ROFL! That gave me such a laugh!)

  4. Well cuz, all I can say is I'm proud, life is about one perfect example, about showing love to others and doing what's best for those around us and not ourselves, love you man!

  5. Good for you, Benjamin. I love when people think they know ALL about a topic and that NO OPEN adoption could be one happy family. Maybe this person can see the future and since he or she knows everythign perhaps s/he can tell us when the world will end and if that really is Bid Laden that was buried at sea ( very sarcastic here). Since this person knows everything, I'm wondering why s/he doesnt know how many of us shared information about birthfather rights with you and have encouraged you to make your voice heard. Oh but wait.. many of us are hopeful adoptive parents so we only let you see the perfect side of us even though we weren't being considered in your pool of candidates. Some people make me ill. Thank you for your small piece in educating the world about adoption. You have an amazing way with words and music!

  6. The haters come out in droves. You just have to ignore them. It's all part of the bloggy world.

  7. "I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family."
    Really? That's sad. They should come hang out with me and my HUGE extended adoptive family! My boys adoptive mothers just surprised me this morning with both of my boys and breakfast and gifts for mothers day. We are all one BIG HAPPY FAMILY, and I LOVE it! I'm sure that the potential is there for you and Darlings parents to have the same kind of relationship :) Don't let the haters get ya' down :)

  8. I can not even imagine how angry you are because I am kind of pissed off myself!

    I love my son's birth family and would be broken hearted if they didn't want to be a part of our family anymore.

    I am sad for the person that wrote this because I can only imagine that they have been hurt in some way through adoption.

    I am sorry Benjamin for hate mail... keep blogging cuz I love reading

  9. Uggghhhh, I'm so sorry. Those types of comments are never helpful. Obviously the people who send them do it for their own benefit.

  10. Benjamin, the best advice I could ever give (as someone who has also been thrown a heapload of crap) is to step back from people who don't know what they're talking about and think. Say to yourself, "Clearly this person is talking about him/herself and has, without invitation, applied his/her experience to my own. He/she must be in pain right now and I pray that pain dissipates as mine has."

    You're in a good place. I don't know if I've commented before but I believe with all my heart you are finding your niche. No comfort zone should be without flexible boundaries. I suggest you continue to stretch them as the correspondence between you and the APs grows.

  11. I've been involved in the adoption world for many years. I'm sorry you get crappy emails, but I think you are doing great and I'm impressed with the faith you have and the realization of God's will in your life and your daughter's. I hope you will be blessed with the spirit of peace in this situation throughout your life--as well as a relationship with your daughter!

  12. My sons birth mother has been to every single one of his five birthday parties.She often sleeps on the couch in my basement. Her parents were at the temple when we were sealed.Her sister recently stayed at our home when they came up for a weekend trip. Pretty much we're one big happy family. Sometimes people are so hurt by their own experiences, or so filled with anger and hate, that no amount of explaining or kindness or openness will convince them of anything they don't want to believe. Since I became involved in adoption five years ago, I have learned that sometimes it is best just to stop correcting their lies and ignorant assumptions, and not let them bother me.