THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

COWARD

You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.

You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.


ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
 

Privacy Notice:

This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.

SUFFER A THOUGHT

The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.

I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

IRE Pt. III

I Want To Rip Out The Foundation,

I Want The Axis To Rupture.

Seeing as all great SAGA’s come in sets of three, I thought I would just continue on the same idea (sort of) that I had been discussing.

I LOVE ANGRY MUSIC. I just love the stuff. That music that makes most want to have a heart attack, just makes me smile. I understand that not all people enjoy the music that I listen to the majority of the time. I have accepted that I have a larger audience to please than just myself with this blog, and I do keep you in mind when I select the music I post along with each post. So right now I’m going to apologize for subjecting you to music you may not enjoy.

I have been thinking about my taste in music. The fact that I can hear someone screaming something like “I am just a man, with a heart and sinful hands” and only think of how spiritually uplifting it is for me. It seems that most only hear screaming, and not the message behind it. Many people are guilty of this, maybe even you! I know that my parents have been guilty of it. When I first started getting into this type of music my mother would “yell” at me to “turn off that devil music!”. Even though the “devil music” I was listening to was praising the lord and telling others to investigate his love and grace.

This makes me wonder if Darling will take after her father in her taste in music? Will she be like I am and enjoy having a way to daily let out frustration, anger, sorrow, joy, or any emotion really. Or will she be less like me and more like her mother who isn’t really into music at all? The next thing it makes me curious about, is if her adoptive parents will be like mine and not care what the music says because of the delivery. Or will they be open minded and support her in whatever type of things she wants to be part of, as long as it doesn’t compromise here core ideals?

One of my best friends is like me. She loves loves loves hardcore and metal music. And not once has it ever caused her to change her beliefs about Jesus or God. She and I both love listening to someone who feels the same way as us about Satan and God. Satan=bad, God=good!

Let us think of a few different views about why one might not like the same musical stylings as myself. Some think “I don’t understand why you would go to a concert to yell and scream and be angry, where moshpits are present and you could potentially get injured.” For me, I don’t understand why people enjoy going to concerts where you don’t! Even more to the point, what about concerts where the fans do this, because they are “in love” with the band members. Yes I am talking about you Justin Bieber fan! Some might say “I can’t hear the message because the music is so angry.” My response? To each his own. You may lose the message while listening to angry music even if you know it is there because of the music itself. I personally have never really been moved by any hymn, I think this is because there is nothing really musically to back it up dynamically. (for me)

I am getting off subject. My point with this post here was to express a great amount of hope! One of the reasons birthparents place their children is because we want them to have things that we can’t provide, and we want them raised the same way we would if we were able. So I am hopeful that Darling’s adoptive parents can be supportive and always let her know that they love her and that the mother and I do as well.

And after going to my concert last night… I hope that they can also be prepared to have her come home from shows with out a voice waking up in the morning with her chest hurting so much she can hardly breathe! I am very much excited to meet them, and I hope that they are as excited to meet me.

Today’s song is very angry. Please feel free to not check it out, but also know that I love this band very VERY much. I saw them play last night. And though it hurts my chest to breathe, and my voice is gone, it was TOTALLY worth it!

IRE Pt. II

You’re Justified, But There’s No Justice If It’s Just A Lie.

I know that I’m not perfect. I know that there are many things I HAVE DONE that have caused me to be in the situation I am in. I know that because I initially fought the mother of Darling about the adoption that has caused the majority of my problems with the adoption. My point with the original post titled IRE was to let off steam.

Seeing as many had commented on it negatively, and probably even more who thought the same way who didn’t. I guess I will clear a few things up for you.

Yes, the mother of Darling did in fact tell me that I would not be at the hospital at all for Darling’s birth. Not just not in the room. But not allowed in the hospital at all. That I would not be allowed to be present, or see her during that time, and that I might not even see her before placement. Whether or not this will actually happen is another story. And hopefully things will work such that she doesn’t feel this way when the time comes. And yes she did say this to me while we were fighting.

While my blog is public for all to view, that does not mean I share every single detail of my life with you. If you knew me, you would know I am actually a pretty happy guy. I like to crack jokes, and just have an overall good time.

I have no idea what Darling’s mother thinks. I don’t know her side of the story. And it is more likely than not very different from my own. The fact is though, that she doesn’t talk to me. I don’t get a chance to get her view, so I can’t very well keep her side of the story defended because of this.

This blog is written from a point of view that I have been told isn’t seen often, or EVER. There are hundreds if not thousands of blogs written from the Birthmothers point of view. And I doubt anyone ever really attacks a Birthmother for her views. Well I am a Birthfather and can only write from that point of view. I have no idea what sort of things the mother has to go through physically during this whole ordeal. But if I could I would trade her places in a heartbeat. If I could have that child kicking in my stomach, I would. If I could know the joy of seeing my baby that is in my stomach on the screen during an ultra sound, I would take it. But the fact is that I can’t. I don’t get those same experiences. I don’t get the morning sickness. I don’t have the same attachment issues. And I don’t know all the other things she is going through that I am completely unaware of.

What I do know is my own feelings. I know what my own experiences are. I know what my fears are. I know what my joys are. That is all that I know. And that is what this blog is meant for. It is meant to show all the people who read it a view point that “isn’t heard”. So I will not apologize to you for feeling the ways that I do. I will not vindicate you in your actions to take sides. Because this blog isn’t about taking a side, it’s about seeing one.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I have no idea what it is like for hopeful adoptive parents to have gone through the agonies that they may have gone through such as infertility, or pregnancy complications. I don’t know what it is like for a birthmother to have to give something that was literally part of them to another person or family. And I have no idea what it is like to find out that you came from a parent that isn’t the one(s) that you have now.

But I do know my side of the story. And I have felt such that it should be shared. It should be shared for any and all to see, in hopes that it might help in whatever way it can. No one forces you to read my blog. And if you find that it is something you do not agree with, then please feel free to close the tab, or browser window it is contained in. But before you do, just remember that you can take it however you want. You choose your own experience.

My regular post will be up later tonight.

Today’s song is meant for everyone to remember that life is not just about you, but it’s a big picture sort of deal. And everyone includes me.

IRE

I Said “Water” Expecting The Word Would Satisfy My Thirst.

I see myself sitting here in my basement room at night just letting my thoughts stew and ferment as I write each new blog post. I will let them consume me in order to be able to let them out in a manner that is more constructive. I usually will write about the emotion I have been feeling the most. Or I will write about the event(s) causing this emotion. And before I plunge into the pool of my emotion I will remind you all again that this blog is my way of letting emotions out. I write them so I can release them from myself and can then not be hung up on them.

IRE:

Over the past few days I have been doing my best to avoid acknowledging having this emotion. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that I do not need to feel that way. I received an email on Friday morning that Darling’s mother had gotten a confirmation for herself about who the right family for Darling is. I was ecstatic! Not only was I joyful that she knew, but also that it was the same family I felt was best for our Darling. Joyous times right? Wrong.

All I could seem to think about was the fact that I found it so alienating that yet again I was not ACTUALLY involved in my daughter’s adoption. I didn’t have a choice at all really. It was more like I was just being told “oh that’s a nice choice there Benjamin, know what? We will hang this on the fridge so everyone can see it to be proud”. I had no sway in the decision at all (That I am aware of)! I feel like I had been taken advantage of. This is the second time I have felt used by the mother. And the first was not better by any means.

I have correspondence with the agency and have them telling me what the MOTHER chose, and how the MOTHER feels, and if the MOTHER is comfortable allowing me to be involved. News flash everyone. Darling has a FATHER too! A FATHER who loves and cares about her. A FATHER who wants the best for her too. And a FATHER who has a lot more experience and exposure to the adoption world than the MOTHER ever has. So pardon me when I grimace as you shove the spoiled leftovers down my throat.

The second reason I have been feeling this way is due to the fact that Darling’s mother refuses to talk to me, and I therefore have no idea how she thinks of me. I am the type of person who always prepares for the worst possible outcome. I would like to be ready for whatever may be thrown at me. Due to this, I get the idea that she is thinking horrible things about me and that is why she does this. That is not something I feel comfortable with at all. The thought that Darling may ask her mother about me someday and all she will hear is about how at first I tried to fight her on the adoption. I fear that she will not hear what was actually happening. That I feel responsible to care for her and that I didn’t know yet that adoption was the right thing.

It bothers me that even after I had gotten the confirmation for myself that it is indeed the correct thing. That all I wanted was to help her mother and support her through it, only to have more and more doors shut in my face. Having someone tell you that you will not be there for your child’s birth (in the hospital at all) and you may not even see them before they are placed; is not something that sits well for me. Those are the type of statements that make me wonder if adoption IS the right thing. Yes my Darling will be in a loving home and cared for, but I’ll be completely honest and admit that I’m being selfish in thinking this. I NEED TO BE OK WITH IT TOO!!! I need closure just like she does. I’m sorry for being the prideful man that I am, and also needing to feel that the right thing is being done. I cannot just give my child to someone I don’t know. And most certainly cannot do it when I haven’t been able to have that moment of intimacy where even though she can’t understand what I’m saying. I tell her how much I love her. And that I will always be there for her, even if I’m not actually there.

I know for a fact that I will NEVER say a bad word about Darling’s mother, to Darling. And that even though I may have very defined thoughts and emotions about her, and I may express them to others. If anyone ever says anything bad about Darling’s mother, immediately get defensive and scold them (if not worse) for saying those things. I can say what I say because it directly affects me. Darling’s mother has not done anything to anyone else I have close to me. I therefore feel they have no right to ever feel as though they have been wronged by her. The only thing is that I fear that one day that will stop happening. That one day I will stop wanting to help the mother if she asks. That one day she will come to me for support, and I will be gone from that place because I felt pushed from it. And worst of all that not only will I leave, but she will not notice or care.

I am glad that I write these things down. And that I can let them out in a healthy manner instead of bottling them up to be used in spite. I am glad I write them down so that I am then able to understand them better myself. I am also glad that I write down my thoughts and emotions so that I might be able to revisit them later to get the relief I need. If you have not already done so, and even if you have, I would recommend going back to my blog post titled RUNNING. I wrote this, and then read that to be able to show myself again that these are just emotions, and not what I actually want.

This is for you Darling’s mother. I want you to know that I truly care about our daughter. That I only want what is best for her. That I don’t have all the resources that you do, and because of that I sometimes struggle. I want you to know that I do still care about you and your wellbeing. You and I share something that I will never have with anyone else. Our daughter. And that yes, even though it is not the same as it once was. I still love you. And to some extent, I always will.

Here is today’s music link. This is one of my all time favorite bands. I hope you enjoy them. 

RUNNING

I’d wait for you outside the courtroom, and taunt you when all your appeals were declined.

I put my headphones in. Select “The Carter III” by Lil Wayne. Stretch my legs. And start down the street. I find my rhythm and just keep going. 3 or 4 blocks later I start to burn in my chest. I want to stop, but can’t allow it until I have made it all the way around the park. That means I still have another mile and a half. This is my morning regimen. I wake up at around 6:00 AM and go for a run.

Lately I have been thinking about how my decision making is a lot like running. But rather than the first thought that probably popped into your head. Of running away from. It is more like running at. Which at times can be equally as damaging. On the morning of December 1^st the mother of my child called me. She said that she knew now that we could not wed; that things between us would not work. She told me that we would be placing our child for adoption.

I spoke to the mother in a very matter of fact sort of tone. I told her that I would support her decision about us. And I would respect her wishes about what she wanted for our child. I also told her that She needed to respect mine. I told her that I was not sure if placing is the right decision for both of us. I told her I would activate my rights. I told her that while she may feel like she isn’t ready to be a mother. That doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to be a father. That was the start of our fighting.

From there on out the mother fought me on everything it seemed. She stopped answering phone calls. She wouldn’t respond to texts. I had even gone as far as to contact her parents (whom she lives with) directly to get her to respond to me. For me it was a VERY frustrating experience. To have a person who had more leverage than myself think that she was making adult decisions and yet not act as an adult should. I felt like I was having my child taken from me, and that the person doing so was not able to even put together a coherent sentence.

(I’m going to rant for a minute here)

This is to birthmothers. If you are considering placement, I truly hope that you know that I think that it is a wonderful thing. That your love for your child can literally be measured. And that I hope that your decision stays with you well. If the birthfather is involved. LET HIM SPEAK HIS MIND!!!

Understand that most states have ways for him to take that baby from you. Understand that if he wanted, he could take away all your hopes and dreams to have an open adoption and be able to know your child. He could steal that baby from you, and you may never get the chance to see your child again. Yes that is a very dramatic and not likely outcome; but just know what he can do.

That is precisely what I wanted to do to my child’s mother when she started acting that way. When she started shutting me out. It took a lot of self control on my part to not go to court. It took a lot to not have her served papers. And it took a lot for me to not take her baby away and NEVER let her see or hear about them again.

This is why my decision making is like running. While I was so very angry at the mother for being the way she was. All I could think about was making her as miserable as she was making me. So I made that decision and started at it. Now here is the problem with my decision making. Just like running. It is hard to cope with things as they come your way. You have so much momentum built going in one direction that it is hard to stop, change direction, or deal with other things being thrown at you.

Imagine you are a soldier at war. You are on the battle field and you see one of your platoon members go down ahead of you. You start running to aid them, But in doing so you are not able to avoid gun fire as easily. You don’t have as much time to react to things happening around you.

Well just like running, the more you run, the more tired you get. When that happens your feet start lifting lower from the ground. When this happened for me, I started stumbling over the cracks. The more and more is stumbled, the slower I went. The slower I went, the more and more I thought about what I was doing.

I tripped so many times, that I had to stop. I stopped and looked around. I looked at where I had gone. I was no longer in the beautiful park with trees and grass and playgrounds. I was in the industrial park just a few hundred feet from a notorious gang member’s house. I had been so blinded by the thought of “I gotta get there, and I gotta get there yesterday!”. That I didn’t ever really think about where the journey went through.

The good thing for me is that I know that while the path that leads to placement is full of thorny bushes and poison grasses. It is also surrounded by something beautiful. That is LOVE. In this instance it will be the beauty of nature. While running down the road to destroy my child’s mother’s dreams. I was unaware of the changing of my scenery until I was nearly to far away from what my real goal was. So while I will still run in the direction of placement. (old habits die hard) On this path the dangers are more prevalent, and are therefore easier to avoid. I know that some of these stickers and thorns will still get me while I’m on my way. But at least on this road my heart is staying in the right place, and I won’t lose my way completely.

Please listen to the WHOLE song for today’s post. If you don’t you will not get the message that is meant to be taken from it.