END

Set Your Sights To North.

            Just over six months ago my life was blessed with an experience many people will never have. I was given the blessing of knowing how to love someone over myself completely. My rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, and I could get out the other side and truly say “I am glad I did this”. Six months ago, Darling was given a chance at something many children are not.

            Originally I started this blog for two reasons. The first main reason being that I wanted to provide an account of what it was like to go through adoption; for Darling to read some day. However I have looked back on what I wrote, versus what I remember and I have noticed that there are more discrepancies than I ever would have thought. It seems a lot of the things I said, were not the reality at all; that I remembered things a certain way to make it seem a certain way. Perhaps I was just fooling myself in order to get through the decision. More likely I was fooling myself because I didn’t want to accept the answer that was already in front of me. Either way, the outcome was the same. The outcome was something more amazing than I could ever imagine. And for that I am eternally grateful.

            The second reason I started to blog about this journey, was to help those looking for it. So that birthparents, adoptive parents, and those considering adoption could have a little insight from a point of view that doesn’t get told very often. And that is what I am writing about today.

            To whom it may concern:

There comes a point in adoption where you make a decision about how involved in that world you want to be. For many birthmothers out there, they think of the blessed lives they have because of it, and want to support it in every way that they can. And of course Adoptive Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents want to support the whole thing. After all they are hoping to be blessed by the child(ren) they have, or are waiting for. And the adoption world should be celebrated! It is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life.

            Well I have spent a long time now thinking about this. While I feel that this blog has been a help to many, I would like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to publish new posts that don’t say anything, or at least anything new, if there is a chance that I will end up saying something negative because of something that happened to me at that point that isn’t really pertinent to the subject at hand.

            I see it like this. After you have a placement, you have become so used to having your life and all your thoughts revolve around adoption that it can be difficult to move forward and get back on with life. But that is what we need to do most. We can’t sit here and keep going it over and over just to have the same outcome, because then we are given the chance to think about what could have been. What could have been doesn’t matter, and there is no need for it. The only thing that matters is what is happening now.

            What is happening now? I have a wonderful birthdaughter Darling that has an amazing family. She fits with them so well it is more than I could have ever asked for. And now I am going to go on with my life. Set my path forward, and keep my sights on what is important. So this is the end of my adoption blog. Thank you for your support, and thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Benjamin.

TORTURED

His Blood Will Boil And The Kids Will Sing, Learn To Drown Before You Learn To Swim

            Installment number three of the lyrical poems. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment/post/whatever with this.

It’s all just as well, everything’s just the same.

The sun will still set, there’s no one to blame.

So I’ll look to the skies.

And try to win that great prize.

But I have no hope to do so without the ladder to reach.

I stand gazing over my forest as my interest starts to wane.

If I were to sell the trees for money how much wealth would I gain?

I could then possess the thing I think will bring happiness and fame.

But will the beauty compare? Could it ever feel the same?

So what now?

Should I run with the wolves?

Or should I tear down their home?

Is it better to fight and then lose?

Or better to lose fighting?

Will it be easier to live with everything?

Or to live with myself without them?

            There you go. Enjoy (I hope) And now for the music. A great song. I know I use these guys a lot. But they are my favorite band, and they are really good with words and capturing emotion. I hope you like the song.

WALK ON

We Cannot Delete It, Just Because Of The Trend Tossed About

By The Waves Of The Sea.

            Two things.

First thing: I’m doing this again because I didn’t get anything but good response from the last one of it’s kind.

Second thing: I have been running out of new ideas, so I’m just going to do one of these every Thursday in order to help my other posts be less….. crappy.

            So, without any further hindrance, here is this weeks lyrical poem.

Walk On.

This testament will not die,

For it is not a wavering text.

Read it, and you shall know,

The truths of all of us.

The power you’ll receive,

It will help you in your times,

Times of despair and torture.

WALK ON MY CHILD.

For you are not meant for that path,

That path of failure you see.

Walk on and see.

Things are not always as they seem.

I say.

Walk on my child.

WALK ON!

            Wrote this one two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites. The message in it is pretty clear, So I don’t really feel any need to elaborate. Know what would be awesome though? If you blew up my comment feed. So, until Saturday, goodbye and stay strong!

            Oh yeah, watch out for the song today, it bites!

CANDOR

Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!

RUNNING

I’d wait for you outside the courtroom, and taunt you when all your appeals were declined.

I put my headphones in. Select “The Carter III” by Lil Wayne. Stretch my legs. And start down the street. I find my rhythm and just keep going. 3 or 4 blocks later I start to burn in my chest. I want to stop, but can’t allow it until I have made it all the way around the park. That means I still have another mile and a half. This is my morning regimen. I wake up at around 6:00 AM and go for a run.

Lately I have been thinking about how my decision making is a lot like running. But rather than the first thought that probably popped into your head. Of running away from. It is more like running at. Which at times can be equally as damaging. On the morning of December 1^st the mother of my child called me. She said that she knew now that we could not wed; that things between us would not work. She told me that we would be placing our child for adoption.

I spoke to the mother in a very matter of fact sort of tone. I told her that I would support her decision about us. And I would respect her wishes about what she wanted for our child. I also told her that She needed to respect mine. I told her that I was not sure if placing is the right decision for both of us. I told her I would activate my rights. I told her that while she may feel like she isn’t ready to be a mother. That doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to be a father. That was the start of our fighting.

From there on out the mother fought me on everything it seemed. She stopped answering phone calls. She wouldn’t respond to texts. I had even gone as far as to contact her parents (whom she lives with) directly to get her to respond to me. For me it was a VERY frustrating experience. To have a person who had more leverage than myself think that she was making adult decisions and yet not act as an adult should. I felt like I was having my child taken from me, and that the person doing so was not able to even put together a coherent sentence.

(I’m going to rant for a minute here)

This is to birthmothers. If you are considering placement, I truly hope that you know that I think that it is a wonderful thing. That your love for your child can literally be measured. And that I hope that your decision stays with you well. If the birthfather is involved. LET HIM SPEAK HIS MIND!!!

Understand that most states have ways for him to take that baby from you. Understand that if he wanted, he could take away all your hopes and dreams to have an open adoption and be able to know your child. He could steal that baby from you, and you may never get the chance to see your child again. Yes that is a very dramatic and not likely outcome; but just know what he can do.

That is precisely what I wanted to do to my child’s mother when she started acting that way. When she started shutting me out. It took a lot of self control on my part to not go to court. It took a lot to not have her served papers. And it took a lot for me to not take her baby away and NEVER let her see or hear about them again.

This is why my decision making is like running. While I was so very angry at the mother for being the way she was. All I could think about was making her as miserable as she was making me. So I made that decision and started at it. Now here is the problem with my decision making. Just like running. It is hard to cope with things as they come your way. You have so much momentum built going in one direction that it is hard to stop, change direction, or deal with other things being thrown at you.

Imagine you are a soldier at war. You are on the battle field and you see one of your platoon members go down ahead of you. You start running to aid them, But in doing so you are not able to avoid gun fire as easily. You don’t have as much time to react to things happening around you.

Well just like running, the more you run, the more tired you get. When that happens your feet start lifting lower from the ground. When this happened for me, I started stumbling over the cracks. The more and more is stumbled, the slower I went. The slower I went, the more and more I thought about what I was doing.

I tripped so many times, that I had to stop. I stopped and looked around. I looked at where I had gone. I was no longer in the beautiful park with trees and grass and playgrounds. I was in the industrial park just a few hundred feet from a notorious gang member’s house. I had been so blinded by the thought of “I gotta get there, and I gotta get there yesterday!”. That I didn’t ever really think about where the journey went through.

The good thing for me is that I know that while the path that leads to placement is full of thorny bushes and poison grasses. It is also surrounded by something beautiful. That is LOVE. In this instance it will be the beauty of nature. While running down the road to destroy my child’s mother’s dreams. I was unaware of the changing of my scenery until I was nearly to far away from what my real goal was. So while I will still run in the direction of placement. (old habits die hard) On this path the dangers are more prevalent, and are therefore easier to avoid. I know that some of these stickers and thorns will still get me while I’m on my way. But at least on this road my heart is staying in the right place, and I won’t lose my way completely.

Please listen to the WHOLE song for today’s post. If you don’t you will not get the message that is meant to be taken from it.