END

Set Your Sights To North.

            Just over six months ago my life was blessed with an experience many people will never have. I was given the blessing of knowing how to love someone over myself completely. My rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, and I could get out the other side and truly say “I am glad I did this”. Six months ago, Darling was given a chance at something many children are not.

            Originally I started this blog for two reasons. The first main reason being that I wanted to provide an account of what it was like to go through adoption; for Darling to read some day. However I have looked back on what I wrote, versus what I remember and I have noticed that there are more discrepancies than I ever would have thought. It seems a lot of the things I said, were not the reality at all; that I remembered things a certain way to make it seem a certain way. Perhaps I was just fooling myself in order to get through the decision. More likely I was fooling myself because I didn’t want to accept the answer that was already in front of me. Either way, the outcome was the same. The outcome was something more amazing than I could ever imagine. And for that I am eternally grateful.

            The second reason I started to blog about this journey, was to help those looking for it. So that birthparents, adoptive parents, and those considering adoption could have a little insight from a point of view that doesn’t get told very often. And that is what I am writing about today.

            To whom it may concern:

There comes a point in adoption where you make a decision about how involved in that world you want to be. For many birthmothers out there, they think of the blessed lives they have because of it, and want to support it in every way that they can. And of course Adoptive Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents want to support the whole thing. After all they are hoping to be blessed by the child(ren) they have, or are waiting for. And the adoption world should be celebrated! It is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life.

            Well I have spent a long time now thinking about this. While I feel that this blog has been a help to many, I would like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to publish new posts that don’t say anything, or at least anything new, if there is a chance that I will end up saying something negative because of something that happened to me at that point that isn’t really pertinent to the subject at hand.

            I see it like this. After you have a placement, you have become so used to having your life and all your thoughts revolve around adoption that it can be difficult to move forward and get back on with life. But that is what we need to do most. We can’t sit here and keep going it over and over just to have the same outcome, because then we are given the chance to think about what could have been. What could have been doesn’t matter, and there is no need for it. The only thing that matters is what is happening now.

            What is happening now? I have a wonderful birthdaughter Darling that has an amazing family. She fits with them so well it is more than I could have ever asked for. And now I am going to go on with my life. Set my path forward, and keep my sights on what is important. So this is the end of my adoption blog. Thank you for your support, and thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Benjamin.

THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

COWARD

You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.

You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.


ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
 

Privacy Notice:

This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.

GROWTH

They Used To Be Just Like Me And You,

They Used To Be Sweet Little Boys.

            Let me show you some pictures…

            This picture is my little brother, Kitch (short for Christian). Now let me tell a little about a thought that has gone through my head recently.

            Today I met Mama-J and Papa-J's boys for the first time. Impressions? Cute kids, smaller than I had envisioned in my head, and I think that is due to the fact that the only pictures I have seen of them is with their parents, and I forgot how much shorter than me they are haha. JC was a lot quieter than I figured he would be, but a lot of fun anyway! JB was more outgoing than I thought he would be! He was easy to talk to, and that was really nice.

            Now you ask “Benjamin, why are you talking about these two boys? And what’s the deal with the picture of your brother?”. Let me tell you. Last week my little brother broke his wrist at the skate park. The exact same wrist, in almost the exact same spot, on almost the same obstacle that I did when I broke my arm last 8 years ago. It made me think of all the times I used to worry about him.

            My first job was at a daycare center. I worked there in the summer, for two years in a row. I was a teacher for grade school aged kids. So basically all the kids from 6-12 years old. It was also about this same time that my father was having trouble finding work in state and was doing a lot of traveling. He would be gone anywhere from 4-6 weeks at a time. And not to sound as though I ran the show, but when he was gone, a lot of the fatherly responsibilities fell on me. Mostly simple stuff like spending time with my little brother and sister, or just helping with things like dinner, and making sure the kids didn’t rip one another’s heads off. (We still have to do that.)

            Because I was sort of responsible for my little brother’s well being, I really developed a fatherly instinct toward him (nowhere near what the actual thing is like I’m sure). He would go with me to work at the daycare so that the two of them (Kitch, Kayla) wouldn’t be around each other all the time, and it also kept Kitch out of trouble. I used to have nightmares about people trying to hurt him, or kidnap him. And honestly for a long time that was my biggest fear. I mean I have a pretty strong connection with the kid; after all I have saved his skin TWICE! So it really would freak me out when he wouldn’t come home from a friends house when he said he would, or we just couldn’t find him at all.

            Well the other day when Kitch called me and said “dude guess what!?” and told me he had just broken his arm. I didn’t freak out at all, I just asked if he had called my mother and if anyone at the skate park had a pillow he could rest his arm on. I used to freak out whenever I saw him bleed; it would completely make my stomach start turning. I would feel nauseated, and most times I would have to move a little slower in order to take care of things. Funny thing is when I worked at the daycare and the other kids would get hurt, that didn’t happen at all. I would just grab them up rush them inside or upstairs to the medical supplies and patch them up quick as a flash and then wipe the tears and back to the grade schooler’s room we go. With Kitch and Kayla, it was never like that though. It would happen the same way, but I would feel nervous the whole time. Almost like it were life and death. So what happened the other day that made it so I didn’t have my stomach in knots?

            Kitch grew up. He was only 9 years old when I had my job at that daycare. He is 15 now, and by the end of the year will be driving! (Watch out Utah, Kitch is coming) He isn’t the same little kid he used to be. He is in high school now and has weird friends and speaks a weird language (teenager) and makes his own decisions. It seriously blows my mind how much that kid has grown up. Over the last few months he has even finally started to learn the lesson we kept trying to teach him about doing his homework.

            Alright now back to those other two boys. Today we went to the aquarium to look at fish and such with The J-Family, and myself. It was our play date for me to meet them. We were having a really good time looking at all the little fish and such when something happened. JB went missing. We were all by the pool of stingrays, and were petting them and such, and just about at the same time Papa-J (who was standing next to me with JC) and I looked up and couldn’t find JB who had been next to Mama-J on the other side of the pool (tank?).

            Here is where the strange thing happened. I immediately started looking for him, (Mama-J did the same) which isn’t so strange, but that feeling was in my stomach. That feeling like if I don’t get this taken care of someone could be seriously hurt. It didn’t help that it took us 5 or so minutes to locate him (he was behind us looking at sea urchins). So what does this mean? Do I have some sort of unhealthy attachment after only spending a few hours with those boys? Did it only happen because he kind of looks like my little brother did at that age? Or is it just because Mama-J and Papa-J are awesome loving people who make you feel welcomed and wanted at every turn? Hint: I think it’s the last reason. I hope that doesn’t make them feel strange. Because honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not different than when I get that feeling about because niece or my cousins daughters.

            Well here is the main point for this post. I thought about it a bit and here it goes. I miss my little brother. I miss living with him, and I miss playing with him. I miss him not being so independent. I miss him being small enough that he could jump into my arms when I came to visit. And I even miss how much he got on my nerves! I miss him when he was like this.

            It’s funny; I have spent my whole life up to this point thinking of him as my little buddy. Thinking of him playing Pokemon and taking chocolate bars from the cupboard. Always just thinking of him as being little. And then somehow he grew up. He started liking girls, and developing his own taste in music. He even has his own opinions about cars (which are mostly wrong. SCREW TUNERS! GERMAN CARS FTW!!!!!). Well Kitch I want you to know I still love you buddy, and I’m really proud of you. I’m really proud of a lot of the decisions you have made, and more specifically for the ones you haven’t made. Now keep making me proud to say I’m your BIG BROTHER!

            Today’s song I have been told is creepy, but I think it’s cute. You know like the horror stories your parents tell you when you are little to get you to behave or do your chores or brush your teeth or whatever. It’s that kind of song. And I had wanted to share it with Mama-J and Papa-J, so here you go!