END

Set Your Sights To North.

            Just over six months ago my life was blessed with an experience many people will never have. I was given the blessing of knowing how to love someone over myself completely. My rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, and I could get out the other side and truly say “I am glad I did this”. Six months ago, Darling was given a chance at something many children are not.

            Originally I started this blog for two reasons. The first main reason being that I wanted to provide an account of what it was like to go through adoption; for Darling to read some day. However I have looked back on what I wrote, versus what I remember and I have noticed that there are more discrepancies than I ever would have thought. It seems a lot of the things I said, were not the reality at all; that I remembered things a certain way to make it seem a certain way. Perhaps I was just fooling myself in order to get through the decision. More likely I was fooling myself because I didn’t want to accept the answer that was already in front of me. Either way, the outcome was the same. The outcome was something more amazing than I could ever imagine. And for that I am eternally grateful.

            The second reason I started to blog about this journey, was to help those looking for it. So that birthparents, adoptive parents, and those considering adoption could have a little insight from a point of view that doesn’t get told very often. And that is what I am writing about today.

            To whom it may concern:

There comes a point in adoption where you make a decision about how involved in that world you want to be. For many birthmothers out there, they think of the blessed lives they have because of it, and want to support it in every way that they can. And of course Adoptive Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents want to support the whole thing. After all they are hoping to be blessed by the child(ren) they have, or are waiting for. And the adoption world should be celebrated! It is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life.

            Well I have spent a long time now thinking about this. While I feel that this blog has been a help to many, I would like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to publish new posts that don’t say anything, or at least anything new, if there is a chance that I will end up saying something negative because of something that happened to me at that point that isn’t really pertinent to the subject at hand.

            I see it like this. After you have a placement, you have become so used to having your life and all your thoughts revolve around adoption that it can be difficult to move forward and get back on with life. But that is what we need to do most. We can’t sit here and keep going it over and over just to have the same outcome, because then we are given the chance to think about what could have been. What could have been doesn’t matter, and there is no need for it. The only thing that matters is what is happening now.

            What is happening now? I have a wonderful birthdaughter Darling that has an amazing family. She fits with them so well it is more than I could have ever asked for. And now I am going to go on with my life. Set my path forward, and keep my sights on what is important. So this is the end of my adoption blog. Thank you for your support, and thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Benjamin.

AN ANSWER

You Are The Fortunate All The Time.

            A week agoI was on the internet (big surprise) and stumbled on a status update from The RHouse on my Facebook feed asking the readers if they could ask a birthfatheranything at all, what would it be. Well, those who responded just so happen tobe in luck because I AM a birthfather and I AM going to answer their questions.

            The firstquestion was “what is your biggest fear regarding the birth child?”

My biggest fear for Darling is her health growing up. I’mfearful that she will end up with traits from me that made parenting difficultfor my parents.  I am verygrateful for her parents who have means to take care of these things if theywere to occur, but I do pray she doesn’t have any of the problems (due to her genes) that I had. Also I hope she doesn’t get my jaw, fouryears of braces with headgear would be traumatizing to any child lol.

            The secondquestions is “how do you REALLY feel? Behind therough/manly/defensive/bully-like/overprotective exterior, what exists?”

I really liked this question. I feel like I don’t know howto answer this. I feel grateful for the blessing to be able to have arelationship with Darling beyond the delivery room. I feel sad that I don’thave the same with her mother. I feel wonderful that this whole experience hashappened for so many different reasons.

What exists behind my “exterior” is Benjamin. I am just likeany other person I think. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it is the truth. Imade a very tough decision just like everyone else has done in life. Maybe minewas more extreme based on the way others view it, but I don’t think so. Whatexists is a person who struggles, who succeeds, who laughs, who feels insecure,and joy, and sadness, and frustration, and who tries their hardest to do whatthey should. I think we all do.

            The thirdquestion is “What can I do as an adoptive mother to help you?”

Don’t read into this answer. Treat me like a person.Remember that I am half of the equation that gave you the blessing you now callyour child. Don’t feel threatened by me. Give me space, but keep me close. Behonest with me about how you feel, and above all be able to forgive me when Ifalter.

            The fourthquestion is “What message do you want to give to our child- about you, aboutlife…”

I want Darling to know (pretty sure she already does) that I love her. I want her to know that life is a wonderful thing, and should be viewed as such. Don’t ever seclude yourself from others because you feel like they won’t like you. Your brothers are life’s built-in best friends. Your mother and father are your safety net for so many things that you can’t even comprehend. Make sure they all know you love them, even if you think you hate them. And above all… Wear Sunscreen.

            The fifthand final question is “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Darling the reason I didn’t fight for you is because I loveyou. You are the most fortunate girl because of all you have because I didn't fight. You have a loving family, who will be there for you when you need them.You have birth parents who love you as well. You are surrounded by so much loveyou might not even realize it at times. I didn’t fight for you because I love you, and love is not a fight. Love is a warm hug from your mother, it’s when your father comes to your dance recital even though he is behind at work; it's when your brother kisses your scrapped knee to make it feel better. Love is awonderful thing; it heals all wounds and brings families together. You are solucky to have parents AND birth parents who love you. 

RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter

            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.

            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!

            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.

            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.

            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?

            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

WOE Pt. II

So I’ll Shake Responsibility,

 And Say A Hard Life Did This To Me.

            Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.

            I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.

            It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.

            The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that Liberty Park doesn’t want to remind me of Darling’s mother and the times we spent together there. (as if a park has intentions)

            Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.

            There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.

TO DARLING

Isn’t It A Lovely Way, We Got In From Our Play

Isn’t It Babe, A Sweet Little Baby.

            Darling, I want you to know how much I love you. I care about you more than you may know. I wouldn’t have done all this if I didn’t. If I didn’t care I would have walked away in the beginning. But the truth is I do, and if you ever need me for something that you can’t get from your mommy and daddy, just know that your birthfather is here to help in whatever way I can.

            I looked back at my old posts on this blog, and I came to realize that I had strayed from my original intent. I noticed this because in the last month I have only done ONE post that has anything directly to do with your adoption. And as I stated in my very first post, I started this blog so that one day you could go back and understand why your birthmother and I did what we did, and you could see it the way I did.

            The problem there being that the blog turned into something else for me. It turned into a place to rant about adoption. I have said some rather harsh things about your birthmother on here and I want you to know that while I was upset with her, it doesn’t mean I think you should be. Your birthmother and I are very different people, and we operate in different ways. I like to be communicative, and not everyone is like that.

            I’m sure you already know if you are able to read this, but I want you to know what a truly wonderful person your birthmother is. She did something for you that I could not. And if you are ever angry or upset with her I want you to know how very hard it was for her to carry you for nine months, and because she loves you, to then give you to your mommy and daddy who needed you, and who you also needed.

            Darling, I want you to know how much you changed my life for the better. I don’t know if I can explain it to you properly. But you truly have. You have helped me to understand things that I didn’t before. Things about myself, as well as things about other people. I want to thank you for that. I love you very much Darling, and I will write more for you when those things happen.

From your birthfather,

With all my heart,

Benjamin.

COWARD

You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.

You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.


ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
 

Privacy Notice:

This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.

SUPPORT

It’s Better To Make Your Mistakes Than To Live Without Knowing

            As you have more likely than not noticed, I have not been posting as frequently or regularly as I was previously to now. Well I’m going to try and explain this a bit to you all, and at the same time try and change the tone from my usual seriousness to something more upbeat and even dare I say… Comical.

            You all know that the journey through adoption is not easy; that it is full of highs and lows, and is a crazy roller coaster of emotion daily, if not more often. I can only imagine the journey for adoptive parents and birthmothers. And I honestly haven’t even begun to think of what it will be like for Darling and other adoptee’s like her that have open relationships with their birthparents. I’m sure that’ll cause some weird situations in the future. Hopefully good ones though. I can see it now, some poor boy trying to grasp the concept of two sets of parents. Boy “Wait I thought your dad’s name is ___", Darling “It is, but I’m talking about my other dad, Benjamin”. Oh what I would give to have pictures of the confused looks haha.

            Well the point there is that like I said, it is a crazy ride. And it’s hard, REALLY HARD! And thus far the emotions don’t just stop coming. Even though I’ve been developing a great relationship with Darling’s adoptive family, and I have been able to get certain concerns known to the agency to be handled (I’m leaving them unnamed on purpose). I still get crazy amounts of scared. Like watching a horror film scared. You know the feeling, your stomach jumps into your chest, that feeling.

            So fortunately (and also unfortunately) for me I have been very vocal and open about the emotions I have been going through. And while it helps in some ways, it hurts in others. Like the fact that because I was posting my emotions three times a week, that meant that three times a week I am having inner reflective thoughts and trying to work through deep emotions. And well let’s be honest here, sometimes you need to bury those for a while. Just deal with them when you are ready instead of trying to force it out. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE SAD RIGHT NOW!!! Haha.

            Don’t get me wrong, it is pretty therapeutic to get that heavy stuff out there. But when the only thing you ever talk or think about is the heavy stuff it kind of puts a damper on things. Could you imagine only ever watching horror films knowing that they scare you so bad you wet yourself? NO! You need to have balance, gotta get some comedy in there, and even some *shudders* chick flicks. You need to be able to appreciate what you are going through instead of just letting it be the only thing you ever go through. Just like needing the lows to appreciate the highs, you need to have the highs to get you through the lows.

            This next bit is going to sound kind of racist but oh well. It is meant to be funny, not offensive. Going back the analogy of watching a scary movie, there usually is, and always should be, a black lady in the audience. The one who shouts “don’t go into that room, the killer is gonna get you, you stupid blonde white girl!” the moment before one of the main characters gets slaughtered in a sea of blood and or guts. I’ve been having several “black ladies” in my audience. Telling me to stop focusing on all this sadness and difficulty and go in other directions as well. People reminding me that this isn’t the only thing that will ever happen, and life WILL move on, and in the case of one of these “black ladies” that it will be in a great direction.

            So in writing this post I am taking a step toward going back to the funny upbeat guy my family and friends are more used to. Maybe I’ll even start writing jokes again! Time will tell, and we shall see. So until next time, remember folks, always spay and neuter your pets and always drink nutritious and tasty Ovaltine.

            Oh, I don’t really have a song to go with this whole thought process, so I’m just posting a song by an artist I love and want more people to know about. It’s an upbeat song I promise haha.

HERE WITHOUT

I Guess The Honeymoon Is Over

            Week number four! This is actually a song I’ve been writing for Darling since Novermber-ish? Yeah we will go with November 2010. I just finished writing the guitar parts for it the other day. Maybe after I finish editing these words I’ll post it again as a whole with the song posted being a recording of it. If you are lucky.

Here Without (Being Here)

This journey’s a long one and it’s full of much pain.

I’ve ignored many others, I’ve been very vain.

Now I’ll do what I need to, and help who I can.

I’ll be who I can be, I’ll be who I am.

Well I’m here, without being here.

Just know that I’m here, without being here.

            So the song this week is originally by the band that made me want to learn guitar after I started listening to them. But I heard this cover about a year and a half ago and just liked it way more. So I hope you do to. Enjoy!

HONESTY

The Truth Hurts, But Denial’s What Will Kill You

            As you may be aware, I didn’t post last Saturday, and this post was meant for Tuesday, but is coming a bit late. Reasons being that I’ve had a lot to process in that time. I have been suffering from a greater amount of depression, and I tend to close up shop when that happens. Pretty sure that’s how it works for most people when they are depressed. I say this mainly to let you know that this post is basically going to be two posts in one (so yes there will be two songs). And will be pretty long. So grab your favorite sipping drink, a bowl of popcorn and settle in folks, because the show is starting. 

            Many commented on my post last Tuesday that the relationship between adoptive families and birth families takes a lot of time and effort on both parts. And in these early stages it is a very difficult path to walk down. Mistakes can be made on both sides very easily. Well last Tuesday that is exactly what happened. Both sides made a mistake. The mistake being that we both failed to communicate with the other side of the equation.

            When this happened for me a thought that I had been having became more dominant in my minds eye. I had been thinking about pulling out of the adoption. Not blocking it (I could never do that to the adoptive family, I care about them too much), but deciding to not be involved anymore. I was feeling like I wasn’t really wanted, and that I didn’t matter to any involved. And I posted about it, instead of talking to the other people involved. Well by the time Friday came around this thought was consuming my thoughts pretty much all day. I was working with my cousin whose opinion I value very much, and decided I would ask for his input before I made my decision.

            I just asked if he thought it would be better for me to pull out, or matter at all. His answer was very honest and sincere. The guy has known me since I was born, so I think he might know a thing or two about who I am and how I operate. This is what he told me (paraphrased). “Benjamin, you know I think it might make it easier for you to handle now, but in the long run I think you would regret it. I think you would regret not going through those hard things and having those experiences to help you later on. You would regret not holding your daughter, and closing the relationship with the adoptive family”. A wise man, a wise man indeed.

            After getting his input on the whole thing I decided I to talk to the adoptive family and express my concerns and feelings. So we set up a time to talk the next day. I find it funny because when I talked to my cousin about it he said that when I talk to them I shouldn’t just jump into the heavy stuff, and try to just find a way into the subject. Well it didn’t really happen that way at all. We sort of did the usual thing you do when starting a conversation with someone. The “how are you”s and the “what’s new?”s came and it felt to me like after that the conversation basically died haha. So I just got down to it, and told them why I was calling. That what had happened on Tuesday had really REALLY hurt me, even though I knew that they had never meant for it to. We all acknowledged that we felt like we were walking on egg shells. How unhealthy is that!? You can’t expect for a friendship to work if one or both parties is not being themselves. A relationship grown in dishonesty can only bear fruit of failure.

            It was a good conversation all in all. It provided a lot of clarity that I was looking for, and hopefully some that they might have been seeking as well. Opening the lines for communication helped a lot. To not feel pressured to act a certain way, or feel like you can’t say certain things. And I’m glad that they were able to express their feelings to me as well. And hopefully I will remember that I CAN talk to them if needed.

Now for the intermission.

This Is Goodbye This Is The End

            Two words, therapy.

I wish I didn’t feel as deeply as I do sometimes; that it were easier for me to mourn loss. I have been avoiding the fact that I am in fact not just dealing with placing my daughter. But that I’m also mourning the loss of someone I loved very dearly.

            My case worker has said it, my sister has said it, and even Darling’s adoptive parents have said it. I’m mourning losing the birthmother. I have been fighting admitting that it is true for months now; since before I ever started my blog or even joining adoptive support sites. A few days ago I went through all the text messages that we have sent back and forth on my phone. All the way back to when I first got the new phone back in October, and before we knew she was pregnant.

            It was painful; it took me three hours to read them all. The main reason I think it hurt so much was because I looked at the wonderful things we said to one another, and then think of the fact that we no longer have any relationship. It has made me feel like I’m a failure as a potential husband for anyone at all; like I’ll never be good enough. I loved her so much that it still hurts to try and think about when we were together.

            A few days before I looked through all the messages we sent one another, I had a realization. That we never would have worked out at all, no matter how much I tried, or how much I wanted it to. Even if we had stopped during the act, or even if we hadn’t stopped and she hadn’t gotten pregnant at all. We still wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. And boy did I want it to work. She is one of the sweetest, and most attractive people I have ever dated. And my fear is that I will never be able to find someone like her again. That I will compare all the women I date to her and they won’t add up. I fear I won’t be able to find someone I get along with the way we did when we first started dating. And fact is that I just don’t know how to get past it right now.

            I miss that girl that I fell in love with. I miss the way she would stick her tongue out just a little after she giggled. I hate the fact that my last memory of her voice is in an upset tone, instead of the sweet voice that she really has. I miss being able to have someone to hug and hold me when I’m upset. I miss holding her small hand in mine. I miss having a best friend to talk to and share excitement with all the time. I miss feeling like someone wants me in their life forever. I miss her the way she was before all this changed us both.

            I wish that we could go back to that fantasy we had and just stay there. I wish I could feel like I’m in love again. I wish that I could feel like someday I will be again. I know I’ll move on at some point, and I’ll have that fire to find someone again. But I’m just not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to put myself on the cutting board at another person’s mercy. I know this all sounds pathetic, and maybe I am wallowing here. But the truth here is that my heart is broken. 

GROWTH

They Used To Be Just Like Me And You,

They Used To Be Sweet Little Boys.

            Let me show you some pictures…

            This picture is my little brother, Kitch (short for Christian). Now let me tell a little about a thought that has gone through my head recently.

            Today I met Mama-J and Papa-J's boys for the first time. Impressions? Cute kids, smaller than I had envisioned in my head, and I think that is due to the fact that the only pictures I have seen of them is with their parents, and I forgot how much shorter than me they are haha. JC was a lot quieter than I figured he would be, but a lot of fun anyway! JB was more outgoing than I thought he would be! He was easy to talk to, and that was really nice.

            Now you ask “Benjamin, why are you talking about these two boys? And what’s the deal with the picture of your brother?”. Let me tell you. Last week my little brother broke his wrist at the skate park. The exact same wrist, in almost the exact same spot, on almost the same obstacle that I did when I broke my arm last 8 years ago. It made me think of all the times I used to worry about him.

            My first job was at a daycare center. I worked there in the summer, for two years in a row. I was a teacher for grade school aged kids. So basically all the kids from 6-12 years old. It was also about this same time that my father was having trouble finding work in state and was doing a lot of traveling. He would be gone anywhere from 4-6 weeks at a time. And not to sound as though I ran the show, but when he was gone, a lot of the fatherly responsibilities fell on me. Mostly simple stuff like spending time with my little brother and sister, or just helping with things like dinner, and making sure the kids didn’t rip one another’s heads off. (We still have to do that.)

            Because I was sort of responsible for my little brother’s well being, I really developed a fatherly instinct toward him (nowhere near what the actual thing is like I’m sure). He would go with me to work at the daycare so that the two of them (Kitch, Kayla) wouldn’t be around each other all the time, and it also kept Kitch out of trouble. I used to have nightmares about people trying to hurt him, or kidnap him. And honestly for a long time that was my biggest fear. I mean I have a pretty strong connection with the kid; after all I have saved his skin TWICE! So it really would freak me out when he wouldn’t come home from a friends house when he said he would, or we just couldn’t find him at all.

            Well the other day when Kitch called me and said “dude guess what!?” and told me he had just broken his arm. I didn’t freak out at all, I just asked if he had called my mother and if anyone at the skate park had a pillow he could rest his arm on. I used to freak out whenever I saw him bleed; it would completely make my stomach start turning. I would feel nauseated, and most times I would have to move a little slower in order to take care of things. Funny thing is when I worked at the daycare and the other kids would get hurt, that didn’t happen at all. I would just grab them up rush them inside or upstairs to the medical supplies and patch them up quick as a flash and then wipe the tears and back to the grade schooler’s room we go. With Kitch and Kayla, it was never like that though. It would happen the same way, but I would feel nervous the whole time. Almost like it were life and death. So what happened the other day that made it so I didn’t have my stomach in knots?

            Kitch grew up. He was only 9 years old when I had my job at that daycare. He is 15 now, and by the end of the year will be driving! (Watch out Utah, Kitch is coming) He isn’t the same little kid he used to be. He is in high school now and has weird friends and speaks a weird language (teenager) and makes his own decisions. It seriously blows my mind how much that kid has grown up. Over the last few months he has even finally started to learn the lesson we kept trying to teach him about doing his homework.

            Alright now back to those other two boys. Today we went to the aquarium to look at fish and such with The J-Family, and myself. It was our play date for me to meet them. We were having a really good time looking at all the little fish and such when something happened. JB went missing. We were all by the pool of stingrays, and were petting them and such, and just about at the same time Papa-J (who was standing next to me with JC) and I looked up and couldn’t find JB who had been next to Mama-J on the other side of the pool (tank?).

            Here is where the strange thing happened. I immediately started looking for him, (Mama-J did the same) which isn’t so strange, but that feeling was in my stomach. That feeling like if I don’t get this taken care of someone could be seriously hurt. It didn’t help that it took us 5 or so minutes to locate him (he was behind us looking at sea urchins). So what does this mean? Do I have some sort of unhealthy attachment after only spending a few hours with those boys? Did it only happen because he kind of looks like my little brother did at that age? Or is it just because Mama-J and Papa-J are awesome loving people who make you feel welcomed and wanted at every turn? Hint: I think it’s the last reason. I hope that doesn’t make them feel strange. Because honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not different than when I get that feeling about because niece or my cousins daughters.

            Well here is the main point for this post. I thought about it a bit and here it goes. I miss my little brother. I miss living with him, and I miss playing with him. I miss him not being so independent. I miss him being small enough that he could jump into my arms when I came to visit. And I even miss how much he got on my nerves! I miss him when he was like this.

            It’s funny; I have spent my whole life up to this point thinking of him as my little buddy. Thinking of him playing Pokemon and taking chocolate bars from the cupboard. Always just thinking of him as being little. And then somehow he grew up. He started liking girls, and developing his own taste in music. He even has his own opinions about cars (which are mostly wrong. SCREW TUNERS! GERMAN CARS FTW!!!!!). Well Kitch I want you to know I still love you buddy, and I’m really proud of you. I’m really proud of a lot of the decisions you have made, and more specifically for the ones you haven’t made. Now keep making me proud to say I’m your BIG BROTHER!

            Today’s song I have been told is creepy, but I think it’s cute. You know like the horror stories your parents tell you when you are little to get you to behave or do your chores or brush your teeth or whatever. It’s that kind of song. And I had wanted to share it with Mama-J and Papa-J, so here you go!

WALK ON

We Cannot Delete It, Just Because Of The Trend Tossed About

By The Waves Of The Sea.

            Two things.

First thing: I’m doing this again because I didn’t get anything but good response from the last one of it’s kind.

Second thing: I have been running out of new ideas, so I’m just going to do one of these every Thursday in order to help my other posts be less….. crappy.

            So, without any further hindrance, here is this weeks lyrical poem.

Walk On.

This testament will not die,

For it is not a wavering text.

Read it, and you shall know,

The truths of all of us.

The power you’ll receive,

It will help you in your times,

Times of despair and torture.

WALK ON MY CHILD.

For you are not meant for that path,

That path of failure you see.

Walk on and see.

Things are not always as they seem.

I say.

Walk on my child.

WALK ON!

            Wrote this one two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites. The message in it is pretty clear, So I don’t really feel any need to elaborate. Know what would be awesome though? If you blew up my comment feed. So, until Saturday, goodbye and stay strong!

            Oh yeah, watch out for the song today, it bites!

REGRET

And Here I Rest Where Disappointment And Regret Collide

            I hate you.

Simple words. How many times have I said or done something I wish I hadn’t? There are many cases through my life that I can think of, where that is the case. For a long time I have said that I don’t regret anything in my life. But facts are that I do. There are not a lot of things I regret. But the ones that are there, I do regret immensely. Let us discuss this.

            When I was a teenager I had MAJOR anger management issues. I was angry at the world and there wasn’t a thing anyone could do that would make me feel otherwise. I hated everyone and everything. My despise for life got so bad that I had to be sent to a treatment center in order to keep myself and others safe. Now while I can look back now and appreciate the things that my parents did for me, and I’m GLAD they got me the help I needed. It doesn’t change some of the things that happened.

Well I’ll tell you that while I don’t have anger issues to the same extent I once did, and that for the most part I’m able to keep them in check, I do still have them. I still get hot really fast. And I still have a very nasty habit of saying things that I wish I hadn’t. The reason I wish I didn’t say them, isn’t because of how it affects me, but because of how it can affect the person I said it too.

            When I went to this treatment center, we would have family therapy sessions, AKA Benjamin is going to make you feel horrible time. Keep in mind that I was a VERY sick boy at this point. But we would go to these meetings and I would say the most vile, horrible, hurtful things I could think of to my parents and family. I would tell my sisters of how they never cared about me and that they wouldn’t have ever noticed if I wasn’t even there.

            I said many things to my parents. And most of my rage was directed at them. While I am not going to go into detail about the things that I actually said to them, I will say that they were over the line. I said things to try and make them feel worthless, things that I hoped would make them feel as useless and unwanted as I had felt. I said things to them that a parent should never hear from their child. Things that I hope Darling never says to either of her birthparents or adoptive parents. I hope that if a time like that ever comes, I can be as strong as my mother was, and remember what she said to me.

            After spending a good ten to fifteen minutes yelling at my mother telling her how much I hated her and that I wished she would die. The only thing she did was look at me and say, “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”. There are a lot of things from that time in my life that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I spent the allowance I was given while I was in the center. I don’t remember most of the things we talked about during group session with the other boys. Shoot I don’t remember most of the things said during my private sessions. But I do remember that.

            Try and tell me that when someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t at least somewhat take it in. Can you remember a time when you felt like you were doing the best you could and someone told you that you could do far better? Like everything you did was not good enough; and it just made you hate ever even trying at all? I know that I can. I also know that I can remember being the person saying that to someone. Being the one that causes those times of self doubt and worthlessness.

            And then there are other times that make up for everything. There are times when you are just so frustrated and ready to quit and you will look at your husband or wife or parents or whoever, and they don’t say a word. They just give you that look. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that says it all without a single word. The one that tells you that they still love you, and they know how you feel. The one that says everything you need, even if you don’t want to hear it. That look that says “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”.

            I love you enough to let you hate me for a while. Simple words that say true love, and forgiveness. When you are feeling down and regretful about things you have said to others, I hope you can remember them saying this sort of thing to you. And I hope it helps you to then be able to forgive yourself also. We all make mistakes, some more severe than others, but we all have the ability to forgive ourselves. And when you can do that, you can do anything.

I hope not to offend anyone by this, but I feel like I should say it anyway. I want you to know what gets me through. These are words that were spoken by Mr. Stephen Keech of Haste The Day. Every time I hear them it helps me know that I can do anything.

 “There is hope in this broken world. Through all of the hatred in this world, there is a love. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in your life, you are loved! And you are the most beautiful thing ever. Because Jesus Christ came to this earth, and he died for us. He died for you. It doesn’t matter what you believe, Jesus Christ still died for you, and he still loves you more than anything else.”

                        I had a really hard time finding any songs with regret as the main theme that I liked, but thanks to some new friends, this is what I decided on.

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

JOY

I Was Always There, But You Just

 Never Knew Where

            I want to start by thanking you. I want to thank my family for supporting me in my decisions. I want to thank my friends for giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to yell in. I want to thank my church for giving me the strength and blessings I have needed to be able to make it through this trial. I want to thank my readers for all their concern and hope for things to work. And I want to thank the Jones family for not just wanting me to be a part of Darling’s life, but for giving her all the things I cannot.

            Everybody, let me tell you about Mama-J and Papa-J.

            I can only imagine that they were as nervous as I was to meet. I arrived about 20 minutes early (if you aren’t early, you’re late is my mentality) and sat in a room waiting for them to arrive and our meeting to start. Before my case worker even came to fetch me I noticed while I was playing on my phone that I was literally shaking. That is saying something for me; I’m usually the guy that keeps his composure in an emergency. So you would think that something as simple as meeting two people would be easy to handle. HAH! Right…

            Well as I entered the room there they were, sitting in their seats. I had been nervous about how they would greet me, hoping it would be a warm welcome. Papa-J approached first and extended his hand to shake. I will say my heart sank just a little at that moment, but as I took his hand he pulled me into a great hug! Mama-J didn’t even bother with the handshaking nonsense and just went straight for it! We sat down, got our selves comfortable and let the case workers explain how it was all to shake out.

            We spent the first part of the meeting with me asking the two of them questions, talking about things that I liked about them, and I shared with them that I felt that my Heavenly Father had shown to me that they were the people that NEED to raise Darling. Tears were shed, laughter was had, and to be honest, it was one of the most spiritual moments I can remember. They just emanated pure love. It was so easy to see how much they cared for Darling, her mother, and me.

            I am just so happy to know that I’m being welcomed in to be a part of everything. I feel as though all the stress I was having that kept me up at night, all the anxiety, all the fear that Darling wouldn’t get what I wanted for her, had been taken from me. Like I can stop putting other things on hold. I feel like I can breathe again. It’s funny to me because these two made me feel so welcomed, that I almost forgot who it was that is getting adopted! (Almost ;) haha)

            We spent about an hour and forty five minutes getting to know each other. And up to this point including the 5 minute phone call I had with Mama-J two days later and the text messages sent back and fourth, we have only spent about 2 hours interacting with each other. And yet I can honestly say that I love these two people as much as I love any of my closest friends. And I am very excited to meet their boys! We are going to get into all sorts of mischief. Hopefully, Mama-J and Papa-J won’t think I’m too much of a bad influence ;)

            I had spent a lot of time trying to find a song that would show the joy that I’m feeling, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that felt just right. I will admit it probably has something to do with the fact that I listen to so much angst filled music. Haha. But in my search I remembered a song that I love very much. Ironically it is the song that I would have chosen for Darling’s mother and I. I actually had chosen it for us but I didn’t want to be the cheesy guy that says “this should be our song”. Well after listening to it again, it feels right for it to be used to express so many thoughts I have toward Darling, and her new family. So I’m going to give you a break down of how I interpreted the lyrics, while I list them because it seems most online resources got them wrong.

If our world falls down tomorrow you’ll be sure I’ll be there with a net. To catch the pieces falling, and I was always there. And I was always there. I was always there but you just, never knew where.

This first verse is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J in regards to why they chose to adopt.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This first part of the chorus is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

The second part of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J speaking to Darling.

I’ve considered what it’d be like if the ocean poured in from both of the coasts, and we set sail to find out just where our boat would go. But I don’t think I’d want to know, ‘cause it would just make time so I can see your smile with our brand new life in tow.

This second verse feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

(The second part of the chorus the interpretation is the same)

And if I’m on the road for another thousand years or so I hope you know a part of me is at home.

This first part of the bridge is me talking to Darling if she ever feels alone.

Not trading brick for straw in the house I’ve built around my heart.

So when you came I’d be so tough.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

This second part of the bridge feels like Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys talking to me and Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, their boys, and to Darling (whenever I will be able to see her)

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

This final time the second half of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to just me, welcoming me as a new part of everything.