Friday, April 29, 2011


The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.
I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.

Monday, April 25, 2011


            So this is just a quick update for you all to see, and some music I covered. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Please Don’t Be A Player Hater

            As some might imagine, I don’t always have introspective existential thoughts during every moment of the day. Sometimes I just do stuff and don’t think about what is going on, I get lost in the work/moment/event/insertawesomethingIdohere. And since the last post I did, I haven’t come up with any brilliant ideas about what is the next thing I want to talk about regarding adoption. So instead of trying to force something out I’m just going to let you know what other things I am thinking/doing instead.

            I’ve been looking for work. Something stable and I have gotten a lead or two this week that look a little more promising than ones previously found. Two weeks? ago I gifted a skateboard to The J-Family's oldest boy and have since had skateboarding on my mind pretty much all the time that music isn’t (which is a lot). So two days ago while watching some skate videos online, I decided that I want to be as good as I was in the summer of 2008, if not better. In order to help myself achieve this goal I made a list of tricks that I want to learn or re-learn this year. So here is the list of 31 tricks for me to learn by the time winter gets here.

31 Tricks:

1. Crooked to fakie
2. Nollie backside lipslide
3. Backside 360
4. The Flamingo ***
5. 50-50 backside 180 out
6. Impossible
7. 360 pop shuvit ***
8. Heelflip ***
9. Nollie kickflip
10. Nollie heelflip
11. Tailgrab ***
12. Pop shuvit lateflip *
13. Nosegrind **
14. 5-0 **
15. 50-50 **
16. Kickflip 50-50 (frontside and backside)
17. Kickflip frontside boardslide
18. Nollie backside bigspin
19. Backside bigspin
20. Frontside air ***
21 Backside air ***
22. Frontside air to fakie
23. Backside air to fakie
24. Shifty ***
25. Backside shifty
26. Boneless
27. No comply impossible
28. Frontside feeble (& backside smith)
29. Bennihana
30. Backside & frontside nosegrind ***
31. Nollie frontside boardslide

* denotes tricks to be learned if I feel I can do them without hurting myself too much.
** denotes tricks to be learned on round (not square) rails.
*** denotes tricks to be re-learned

            The other thing that has happened over the last two or so weeks, is the crazy urge to learn more music on the guitar, but more specifically by one band. The band is called mewithoutYou; and yes that is the correct spelling of their name. The songs I’m currently working on are The Dryness & The Rain, I’m about a third through learning it. Next is C-Minor, this one I’m having a lot of trouble with per I am unable to find tablature for it online anywhere and I’m trying to figure it out by ear. Go listen to it and you will understand more clearly why that is difficult. The last song by them that I’m trying to figure out is The Soviet, which is hard to play on just the guitar. It’s the type of song that needs to be played with all the instruments or it just sounds boring. So I’m basically trying to re-write it using all the string instrument parts to be played on only one.

Links to the songs mentioned above:

The Dryness & The Rain


The Soviet

            So for today’s song, seeing as I don’t really have any form of a thought process going on I am just going to share with you a band that I recently stumbled on and instantly fell in love with. I am sure you will enjoy it. Until next time.

Friday, April 15, 2011


It’s Better To Make Your Mistakes Than To Live Without Knowing

            As you have more likely than not noticed, I have not been posting as frequently or regularly as I was previously to now. Well I’m going to try and explain this a bit to you all, and at the same time try and change the tone from my usual seriousness to something more upbeat and even dare I say… Comical.

            You all know that the journey through adoption is not easy; that it is full of highs and lows, and is a crazy roller coaster of emotion daily, if not more often. I can only imagine the journey for adoptive parents and birthmothers. And I honestly haven’t even begun to think of what it will be like for Darling and other adoptee’s like her that have open relationships with their birthparents. I’m sure that’ll cause some weird situations in the future. Hopefully good ones though. I can see it now, some poor boy trying to grasp the concept of two sets of parents. Boy “Wait I thought your dad’s name is ___", Darling “It is, but I’m talking about my other dad, Benjamin”. Oh what I would give to have pictures of the confused looks haha.

            Well the point there is that like I said, it is a crazy ride. And it’s hard, REALLY HARD! And thus far the emotions don’t just stop coming. Even though I’ve been developing a great relationship with Darling’s adoptive family, and I have been able to get certain concerns known to the agency to be handled (I’m leaving them unnamed on purpose). I still get crazy amounts of scared. Like watching a horror film scared. You know the feeling, your stomach jumps into your chest, that feeling.

            So fortunately (and also unfortunately) for me I have been very vocal and open about the emotions I have been going through. And while it helps in some ways, it hurts in others. Like the fact that because I was posting my emotions three times a week, that meant that three times a week I am having inner reflective thoughts and trying to work through deep emotions. And well let’s be honest here, sometimes you need to bury those for a while. Just deal with them when you are ready instead of trying to force it out. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE SAD RIGHT NOW!!! Haha.

            Don’t get me wrong, it is pretty therapeutic to get that heavy stuff out there. But when the only thing you ever talk or think about is the heavy stuff it kind of puts a damper on things. Could you imagine only ever watching horror films knowing that they scare you so bad you wet yourself? NO! You need to have balance, gotta get some comedy in there, and even some *shudders* chick flicks. You need to be able to appreciate what you are going through instead of just letting it be the only thing you ever go through. Just like needing the lows to appreciate the highs, you need to have the highs to get you through the lows.

            This next bit is going to sound kind of racist but oh well. It is meant to be funny, not offensive. Going back the analogy of watching a scary movie, there usually is, and always should be, a black lady in the audience. The one who shouts “don’t go into that room, the killer is gonna get you, you stupid blonde white girl!” the moment before one of the main characters gets slaughtered in a sea of blood and or guts. I’ve been having several “black ladies” in my audience. Telling me to stop focusing on all this sadness and difficulty and go in other directions as well. People reminding me that this isn’t the only thing that will ever happen, and life WILL move on, and in the case of one of these “black ladies” that it will be in a great direction.

            So in writing this post I am taking a step toward going back to the funny upbeat guy my family and friends are more used to. Maybe I’ll even start writing jokes again! Time will tell, and we shall see. So until next time, remember folks, always spay and neuter your pets and always drink nutritious and tasty Ovaltine.

            Oh, I don’t really have a song to go with this whole thought process, so I’m just posting a song by an artist I love and want more people to know about. It’s an upbeat song I promise haha.

Friday, April 8, 2011


I Guess The Honeymoon Is Over

            Week number four! This is actually a song I’ve been writing for Darling since Novermber-ish? Yeah we will go with November 2010. I just finished writing the guitar parts for it the other day. Maybe after I finish editing these words I’ll post it again as a whole with the song posted being a recording of it. If you are lucky.

Here Without (Being Here)

This journey’s a long one and it’s full of much pain.
I’ve ignored many others, I’ve been very vain.
Now I’ll do what I need to, and help who I can.
I’ll be who I can be, I’ll be who I am.

Well I’m here, without being here.
Just know that I’m here, without being here.

            So the song this week is originally by the band that made me want to learn guitar after I started listening to them. But I heard this cover about a year and a half ago and just liked it way more. So I hope you do to. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


The Truth Hurts, But Denial’s What Will Kill You

            As you may be aware, I didn’t post last Saturday, and this post was meant for Tuesday, but is coming a bit late. Reasons being that I’ve had a lot to process in that time. I have been suffering from a greater amount of depression, and I tend to close up shop when that happens. Pretty sure that’s how it works for most people when they are depressed. I say this mainly to let you know that this post is basically going to be two posts in one (so yes there will be two songs). And will be pretty long. So grab your favorite sipping drink, a bowl of popcorn and settle in folks, because the show is starting. 

            Many commented on my post last Tuesday that the relationship between adoptive families and birth families takes a lot of time and effort on both parts. And in these early stages it is a very difficult path to walk down. Mistakes can be made on both sides very easily. Well last Tuesday that is exactly what happened. Both sides made a mistake. The mistake being that we both failed to communicate with the other side of the equation.

            When this happened for me a thought that I had been having became more dominant in my minds eye. I had been thinking about pulling out of the adoption. Not blocking it (I could never do that to the adoptive family, I care about them too much), but deciding to not be involved anymore. I was feeling like I wasn’t really wanted, and that I didn’t matter to any involved. And I posted about it, instead of talking to the other people involved. Well by the time Friday came around this thought was consuming my thoughts pretty much all day. I was working with my cousin whose opinion I value very much, and decided I would ask for his input before I made my decision.

            I just asked if he thought it would be better for me to pull out, or matter at all. His answer was very honest and sincere. The guy has known me since I was born, so I think he might know a thing or two about who I am and how I operate. This is what he told me (paraphrased). “Benjamin, you know I think it might make it easier for you to handle now, but in the long run I think you would regret it. I think you would regret not going through those hard things and having those experiences to help you later on. You would regret not holding your daughter, and closing the relationship with the adoptive family”. A wise man, a wise man indeed.

            After getting his input on the whole thing I decided I to talk to the adoptive family and express my concerns and feelings. So we set up a time to talk the next day. I find it funny because when I talked to my cousin about it he said that when I talk to them I shouldn’t just jump into the heavy stuff, and try to just find a way into the subject. Well it didn’t really happen that way at all. We sort of did the usual thing you do when starting a conversation with someone. The “how are you”s and the “what’s new?”s came and it felt to me like after that the conversation basically died haha. So I just got down to it, and told them why I was calling. That what had happened on Tuesday had really REALLY hurt me, even though I knew that they had never meant for it to. We all acknowledged that we felt like we were walking on egg shells. How unhealthy is that!? You can’t expect for a friendship to work if one or both parties is not being themselves. A relationship grown in dishonesty can only bear fruit of failure.

            It was a good conversation all in all. It provided a lot of clarity that I was looking for, and hopefully some that they might have been seeking as well. Opening the lines for communication helped a lot. To not feel pressured to act a certain way, or feel like you can’t say certain things. And I’m glad that they were able to express their feelings to me as well. And hopefully I will remember that I CAN talk to them if needed.

Now for the intermission.

This Is Goodbye This Is The End

            Two words, therapy.
I wish I didn’t feel as deeply as I do sometimes; that it were easier for me to mourn loss. I have been avoiding the fact that I am in fact not just dealing with placing my daughter. But that I’m also mourning the loss of someone I loved very dearly.

            My case worker has said it, my sister has said it, and even Darling’s adoptive parents have said it. I’m mourning losing the birthmother. I have been fighting admitting that it is true for months now; since before I ever started my blog or even joining adoptive support sites. A few days ago I went through all the text messages that we have sent back and forth on my phone. All the way back to when I first got the new phone back in October, and before we knew she was pregnant.

            It was painful; it took me three hours to read them all. The main reason I think it hurt so much was because I looked at the wonderful things we said to one another, and then think of the fact that we no longer have any relationship. It has made me feel like I’m a failure as a potential husband for anyone at all; like I’ll never be good enough. I loved her so much that it still hurts to try and think about when we were together.

            A few days before I looked through all the messages we sent one another, I had a realization. That we never would have worked out at all, no matter how much I tried, or how much I wanted it to. Even if we had stopped during the act, or even if we hadn’t stopped and she hadn’t gotten pregnant at all. We still wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. And boy did I want it to work. She is one of the sweetest, and most attractive people I have ever dated. And my fear is that I will never be able to find someone like her again. That I will compare all the women I date to her and they won’t add up. I fear I won’t be able to find someone I get along with the way we did when we first started dating. And fact is that I just don’t know how to get past it right now.

            I miss that girl that I fell in love with. I miss the way she would stick her tongue out just a little after she giggled. I hate the fact that my last memory of her voice is in an upset tone, instead of the sweet voice that she really has. I miss being able to have someone to hug and hold me when I’m upset. I miss holding her small hand in mine. I miss having a best friend to talk to and share excitement with all the time. I miss feeling like someone wants me in their life forever. I miss her the way she was before all this changed us both.

            I wish that we could go back to that fantasy we had and just stay there. I wish I could feel like I’m in love again. I wish that I could feel like someday I will be again. I know I’ll move on at some point, and I’ll have that fire to find someone again. But I’m just not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to put myself on the cutting board at another person’s mercy. I know this all sounds pathetic, and maybe I am wallowing here. But the truth here is that my heart is broken.