AN ANSWER

You Are The Fortunate All The Time.

            A week agoI was on the internet (big surprise) and stumbled on a status update from The RHouse on my Facebook feed asking the readers if they could ask a birthfatheranything at all, what would it be. Well, those who responded just so happen tobe in luck because I AM a birthfather and I AM going to answer their questions.

            The firstquestion was “what is your biggest fear regarding the birth child?”

My biggest fear for Darling is her health growing up. I’mfearful that she will end up with traits from me that made parenting difficultfor my parents.  I am verygrateful for her parents who have means to take care of these things if theywere to occur, but I do pray she doesn’t have any of the problems (due to her genes) that I had. Also I hope she doesn’t get my jaw, fouryears of braces with headgear would be traumatizing to any child lol.

            The secondquestions is “how do you REALLY feel? Behind therough/manly/defensive/bully-like/overprotective exterior, what exists?”

I really liked this question. I feel like I don’t know howto answer this. I feel grateful for the blessing to be able to have arelationship with Darling beyond the delivery room. I feel sad that I don’thave the same with her mother. I feel wonderful that this whole experience hashappened for so many different reasons.

What exists behind my “exterior” is Benjamin. I am just likeany other person I think. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it is the truth. Imade a very tough decision just like everyone else has done in life. Maybe minewas more extreme based on the way others view it, but I don’t think so. Whatexists is a person who struggles, who succeeds, who laughs, who feels insecure,and joy, and sadness, and frustration, and who tries their hardest to do whatthey should. I think we all do.

            The thirdquestion is “What can I do as an adoptive mother to help you?”

Don’t read into this answer. Treat me like a person.Remember that I am half of the equation that gave you the blessing you now callyour child. Don’t feel threatened by me. Give me space, but keep me close. Behonest with me about how you feel, and above all be able to forgive me when Ifalter.

            The fourthquestion is “What message do you want to give to our child- about you, aboutlife…”

I want Darling to know (pretty sure she already does) that I love her. I want her to know that life is a wonderful thing, and should be viewed as such. Don’t ever seclude yourself from others because you feel like they won’t like you. Your brothers are life’s built-in best friends. Your mother and father are your safety net for so many things that you can’t even comprehend. Make sure they all know you love them, even if you think you hate them. And above all… Wear Sunscreen.

            The fifthand final question is “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Darling the reason I didn’t fight for you is because I loveyou. You are the most fortunate girl because of all you have because I didn't fight. You have a loving family, who will be there for you when you need them.You have birth parents who love you as well. You are surrounded by so much loveyou might not even realize it at times. I didn’t fight for you because I love you, and love is not a fight. Love is a warm hug from your mother, it’s when your father comes to your dance recital even though he is behind at work; it's when your brother kisses your scrapped knee to make it feel better. Love is awonderful thing; it heals all wounds and brings families together. You are solucky to have parents AND birth parents who love you. 

WALKING

We Slide From Top To Bottom, Then We Turn & Slide Again.

            About threeweeks ago I went to go visit with Darling and the J Family again. The visit was just lovely. We met at a pizzeria by where they live, and had dinner while catching up on one another’s lives. The picture above isof little Darling, who as you may have noticed does not look like me much anymore (I guess three months will do that to a baby lol).

            However I did not sit down at my computer to tell you about how adorable she and her family are together; which they are by the way! But to sort of say something Iam sure all of you have read on birthmother blogs before. To take notice abouthow “easy” it was for me to return to a normal life.

            When I use the term “easy” I use it loosely in this context, meaning to say that it was not as hard for me to carry on with normal activities anymore. I stopped having“episodes” of crying fits at work, and certainly not at home. I could do my work without having that reminder in the back of my head that I still have something to take care of. In fact I might dare say that if it were not for thepicture I have of her in my apartment and the emails I get, I might notremember at all. And I think it is just wonderful!

            This is oneof the many MANY reasons I know we made the right choice. I don’t have regrets about it, I don’t sit and dwell on the “coulda been’s”. I just wake up in themorning and go to work. I focus on my work while I am there, and on my daysoff, I look for friends to hang out with. Before I would sit and think about itall day and just ferment about every little detail and all the “what if’s”. Butit just doesn’t happen anymore. I just stopped worrying about little details. ANDIT’S AWESOME!

            I guess youcould say that I’m sort of just saying this for other birthparents out there,or potential birthparents. But it is seriously nice to have the “hard part”done with. Don’t think that means that I don’t still have times where I am sad,or wonder how she is, or have weird dreams ß That one’s been happeninga lot. But I don’t have that feeling of “impending doom” anymore.

            It’s been areal blessing for me, and has allowed me to do really well at work. I’ve been focused so much there with the at risk youth at the center, and it’s really started to show with how I handle things. But I feel like I’m getting of topic.

            To wrap itup, I just want to say thanks to all the people who read and have posted linkson their blogs for others. And I’m sorry if any of the terms I used while I was writing this offended anyone. If they did, you should lighten up a little. After all, this is my adoption story, and you aren’t telling it for me. Also…the music for today’s blog doesn’t entirely fit except for the line I posted atthe beginning. Oh well….

RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter

            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.

            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!

            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.

            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.

            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?

            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

WOE Pt. II

So I’ll Shake Responsibility,

 And Say A Hard Life Did This To Me.

            Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.

            I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.

            It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.

            The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that Liberty Park doesn’t want to remind me of Darling’s mother and the times we spent together there. (as if a park has intentions)

            Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.

            There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.

OH DEAR

Denying This Day, Didn’t Stop It From Coming.

            So I woke up this morning and took a shower and cleaned myself up very nicely for the day. Went up stairs to make something to eat and noticed that there was a can of whipped cream in the fridge from the last time the AP’s came to visit. My literal response was to yell at the top of my lungs for no one to hear (no one was home) “WHIPPED CREAM FOR THE WIN!!!” I then proceeded to grab the can and spray the creamy deliciousness directly into my mouth. THIS JUST IN! Yes, as it turns out, Benjamin is in fact 11 years old.

            So today is predicted to be the day of the rapture. This should be interesting. It made me think of a line from the song for today’s post. So I will share that at the bottom. This is a strange post in the sense that it isn’t really directed toward Darling, but more toward my readers. The reason for this you ask? Well the reason is because I’m going to start a new blog that is just for my own personal use. Here is the link  http://meridionalwords.blogspot.com/

            Darling,

I want you to know that I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Or I guess I should say that I have been thinking about you more in the last week than I had been in the weeks previous. I don’t know what to say here without painting myself into a corner, so for now just remember how much I care. 

TO DARLING

Isn’t It A Lovely Way, We Got In From Our Play

Isn’t It Babe, A Sweet Little Baby.

            Darling, I want you to know how much I love you. I care about you more than you may know. I wouldn’t have done all this if I didn’t. If I didn’t care I would have walked away in the beginning. But the truth is I do, and if you ever need me for something that you can’t get from your mommy and daddy, just know that your birthfather is here to help in whatever way I can.

            I looked back at my old posts on this blog, and I came to realize that I had strayed from my original intent. I noticed this because in the last month I have only done ONE post that has anything directly to do with your adoption. And as I stated in my very first post, I started this blog so that one day you could go back and understand why your birthmother and I did what we did, and you could see it the way I did.

            The problem there being that the blog turned into something else for me. It turned into a place to rant about adoption. I have said some rather harsh things about your birthmother on here and I want you to know that while I was upset with her, it doesn’t mean I think you should be. Your birthmother and I are very different people, and we operate in different ways. I like to be communicative, and not everyone is like that.

            I’m sure you already know if you are able to read this, but I want you to know what a truly wonderful person your birthmother is. She did something for you that I could not. And if you are ever angry or upset with her I want you to know how very hard it was for her to carry you for nine months, and because she loves you, to then give you to your mommy and daddy who needed you, and who you also needed.

            Darling, I want you to know how much you changed my life for the better. I don’t know if I can explain it to you properly. But you truly have. You have helped me to understand things that I didn’t before. Things about myself, as well as things about other people. I want to thank you for that. I love you very much Darling, and I will write more for you when those things happen.

From your birthfather,

With all my heart,

Benjamin.

AND THE ROAD IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

So, I had a great day planned out to do all the things I have been putting off during this last week. Weed the garden, water the plants, do laundry, clean my room, WRITE A BLOG POST. And I was just sitting on the couch relaxing with some Nutella and tortilla's and drinking a glass of milk, when I got a phone call. They need someone to work tonight, and seeing as I can always use the overtime; I took the shift. So this is to just let you all know that there is a post in the works, and I haven't just forgotten. So until tomorrow, enjoy some music.

COWARD

You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.

You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.


ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
 

Privacy Notice:

This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.

SUFFER A THOUGHT

The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.

I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.

MUSIC

            So this is just a quick update for you all to see, and some music I covered. Enjoy!

34 THINGS

Please Don’t Be A Player Hater

            As some might imagine, I don’t always have introspective existential thoughts during every moment of the day. Sometimes I just do stuff and don’t think about what is going on, I get lost in the work/moment/event/insertawesomethingIdohere. And since the last post I did, I haven’t come up with any brilliant ideas about what is the next thing I want to talk about regarding adoption. So instead of trying to force something out I’m just going to let you know what other things I am thinking/doing instead.

            I’ve been looking for work. Something stable and I have gotten a lead or two this week that look a little more promising than ones previously found. Two weeks? ago I gifted a skateboard to The J-Family's oldest boy and have since had skateboarding on my mind pretty much all the time that music isn’t (which is a lot). So two days ago while watching some skate videos online, I decided that I want to be as good as I was in the summer of 2008, if not better. In order to help myself achieve this goal I made a list of tricks that I want to learn or re-learn this year. So here is the list of 31 tricks for me to learn by the time winter gets here.

31 Tricks:

1. Crooked to fakie

2. Nollie backside lipslide

3. Backside 360

4. The Flamingo ***

5. 50-50 backside 180 out

6. Impossible

7. 360 pop shuvit ***

8. Heelflip ***

9. Nollie kickflip

10. Nollie heelflip

11. Tailgrab ***

12. Pop shuvit lateflip *

13. Nosegrind **

14. 5-0 **

15. 50-50 **

16. Kickflip 50-50 (frontside and backside)

17. Kickflip frontside boardslide

18. Nollie backside bigspin

19. Backside bigspin

20. Frontside air ***

21 Backside air ***

22. Frontside air to fakie

23. Backside air to fakie

24. Shifty ***

25. Backside shifty

26. Boneless

27. No comply impossible

28. Frontside feeble (& backside smith)

29. Bennihana

30. Backside & frontside nosegrind ***

31. Nollie frontside boardslide

* denotes tricks to be learned if I feel I can do them without hurting myself too much.

** denotes tricks to be learned on round (not square) rails.

*** denotes tricks to be re-learned

            The other thing that has happened over the last two or so weeks, is the crazy urge to learn more music on the guitar, but more specifically by one band. The band is called mewithoutYou; and yes that is the correct spelling of their name. The songs I’m currently working on are The Dryness & The Rain, I’m about a third through learning it. Next is C-Minor, this one I’m having a lot of trouble with per I am unable to find tablature for it online anywhere and I’m trying to figure it out by ear. Go listen to it and you will understand more clearly why that is difficult. The last song by them that I’m trying to figure out is The Soviet, which is hard to play on just the guitar. It’s the type of song that needs to be played with all the instruments or it just sounds boring. So I’m basically trying to re-write it using all the string instrument parts to be played on only one.

Links to the songs mentioned above:

The Dryness & The Rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Nvcga_P8bg

C-Minor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX-MxFAitEU

The Soviet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmC0H6whAMo

            So for today’s song, seeing as I don’t really have any form of a thought process going on I am just going to share with you a band that I recently stumbled on and instantly fell in love with. I am sure you will enjoy it. Until next time.

SUPPORT

It’s Better To Make Your Mistakes Than To Live Without Knowing

            As you have more likely than not noticed, I have not been posting as frequently or regularly as I was previously to now. Well I’m going to try and explain this a bit to you all, and at the same time try and change the tone from my usual seriousness to something more upbeat and even dare I say… Comical.

            You all know that the journey through adoption is not easy; that it is full of highs and lows, and is a crazy roller coaster of emotion daily, if not more often. I can only imagine the journey for adoptive parents and birthmothers. And I honestly haven’t even begun to think of what it will be like for Darling and other adoptee’s like her that have open relationships with their birthparents. I’m sure that’ll cause some weird situations in the future. Hopefully good ones though. I can see it now, some poor boy trying to grasp the concept of two sets of parents. Boy “Wait I thought your dad’s name is ___", Darling “It is, but I’m talking about my other dad, Benjamin”. Oh what I would give to have pictures of the confused looks haha.

            Well the point there is that like I said, it is a crazy ride. And it’s hard, REALLY HARD! And thus far the emotions don’t just stop coming. Even though I’ve been developing a great relationship with Darling’s adoptive family, and I have been able to get certain concerns known to the agency to be handled (I’m leaving them unnamed on purpose). I still get crazy amounts of scared. Like watching a horror film scared. You know the feeling, your stomach jumps into your chest, that feeling.

            So fortunately (and also unfortunately) for me I have been very vocal and open about the emotions I have been going through. And while it helps in some ways, it hurts in others. Like the fact that because I was posting my emotions three times a week, that meant that three times a week I am having inner reflective thoughts and trying to work through deep emotions. And well let’s be honest here, sometimes you need to bury those for a while. Just deal with them when you are ready instead of trying to force it out. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE SAD RIGHT NOW!!! Haha.

            Don’t get me wrong, it is pretty therapeutic to get that heavy stuff out there. But when the only thing you ever talk or think about is the heavy stuff it kind of puts a damper on things. Could you imagine only ever watching horror films knowing that they scare you so bad you wet yourself? NO! You need to have balance, gotta get some comedy in there, and even some *shudders* chick flicks. You need to be able to appreciate what you are going through instead of just letting it be the only thing you ever go through. Just like needing the lows to appreciate the highs, you need to have the highs to get you through the lows.

            This next bit is going to sound kind of racist but oh well. It is meant to be funny, not offensive. Going back the analogy of watching a scary movie, there usually is, and always should be, a black lady in the audience. The one who shouts “don’t go into that room, the killer is gonna get you, you stupid blonde white girl!” the moment before one of the main characters gets slaughtered in a sea of blood and or guts. I’ve been having several “black ladies” in my audience. Telling me to stop focusing on all this sadness and difficulty and go in other directions as well. People reminding me that this isn’t the only thing that will ever happen, and life WILL move on, and in the case of one of these “black ladies” that it will be in a great direction.

            So in writing this post I am taking a step toward going back to the funny upbeat guy my family and friends are more used to. Maybe I’ll even start writing jokes again! Time will tell, and we shall see. So until next time, remember folks, always spay and neuter your pets and always drink nutritious and tasty Ovaltine.

            Oh, I don’t really have a song to go with this whole thought process, so I’m just posting a song by an artist I love and want more people to know about. It’s an upbeat song I promise haha.

HERE WITHOUT

I Guess The Honeymoon Is Over

            Week number four! This is actually a song I’ve been writing for Darling since Novermber-ish? Yeah we will go with November 2010. I just finished writing the guitar parts for it the other day. Maybe after I finish editing these words I’ll post it again as a whole with the song posted being a recording of it. If you are lucky.

Here Without (Being Here)

This journey’s a long one and it’s full of much pain.

I’ve ignored many others, I’ve been very vain.

Now I’ll do what I need to, and help who I can.

I’ll be who I can be, I’ll be who I am.

Well I’m here, without being here.

Just know that I’m here, without being here.

            So the song this week is originally by the band that made me want to learn guitar after I started listening to them. But I heard this cover about a year and a half ago and just liked it way more. So I hope you do to. Enjoy!

HONESTY

The Truth Hurts, But Denial’s What Will Kill You

            As you may be aware, I didn’t post last Saturday, and this post was meant for Tuesday, but is coming a bit late. Reasons being that I’ve had a lot to process in that time. I have been suffering from a greater amount of depression, and I tend to close up shop when that happens. Pretty sure that’s how it works for most people when they are depressed. I say this mainly to let you know that this post is basically going to be two posts in one (so yes there will be two songs). And will be pretty long. So grab your favorite sipping drink, a bowl of popcorn and settle in folks, because the show is starting. 

            Many commented on my post last Tuesday that the relationship between adoptive families and birth families takes a lot of time and effort on both parts. And in these early stages it is a very difficult path to walk down. Mistakes can be made on both sides very easily. Well last Tuesday that is exactly what happened. Both sides made a mistake. The mistake being that we both failed to communicate with the other side of the equation.

            When this happened for me a thought that I had been having became more dominant in my minds eye. I had been thinking about pulling out of the adoption. Not blocking it (I could never do that to the adoptive family, I care about them too much), but deciding to not be involved anymore. I was feeling like I wasn’t really wanted, and that I didn’t matter to any involved. And I posted about it, instead of talking to the other people involved. Well by the time Friday came around this thought was consuming my thoughts pretty much all day. I was working with my cousin whose opinion I value very much, and decided I would ask for his input before I made my decision.

            I just asked if he thought it would be better for me to pull out, or matter at all. His answer was very honest and sincere. The guy has known me since I was born, so I think he might know a thing or two about who I am and how I operate. This is what he told me (paraphrased). “Benjamin, you know I think it might make it easier for you to handle now, but in the long run I think you would regret it. I think you would regret not going through those hard things and having those experiences to help you later on. You would regret not holding your daughter, and closing the relationship with the adoptive family”. A wise man, a wise man indeed.

            After getting his input on the whole thing I decided I to talk to the adoptive family and express my concerns and feelings. So we set up a time to talk the next day. I find it funny because when I talked to my cousin about it he said that when I talk to them I shouldn’t just jump into the heavy stuff, and try to just find a way into the subject. Well it didn’t really happen that way at all. We sort of did the usual thing you do when starting a conversation with someone. The “how are you”s and the “what’s new?”s came and it felt to me like after that the conversation basically died haha. So I just got down to it, and told them why I was calling. That what had happened on Tuesday had really REALLY hurt me, even though I knew that they had never meant for it to. We all acknowledged that we felt like we were walking on egg shells. How unhealthy is that!? You can’t expect for a friendship to work if one or both parties is not being themselves. A relationship grown in dishonesty can only bear fruit of failure.

            It was a good conversation all in all. It provided a lot of clarity that I was looking for, and hopefully some that they might have been seeking as well. Opening the lines for communication helped a lot. To not feel pressured to act a certain way, or feel like you can’t say certain things. And I’m glad that they were able to express their feelings to me as well. And hopefully I will remember that I CAN talk to them if needed.

Now for the intermission.

This Is Goodbye This Is The End

            Two words, therapy.

I wish I didn’t feel as deeply as I do sometimes; that it were easier for me to mourn loss. I have been avoiding the fact that I am in fact not just dealing with placing my daughter. But that I’m also mourning the loss of someone I loved very dearly.

            My case worker has said it, my sister has said it, and even Darling’s adoptive parents have said it. I’m mourning losing the birthmother. I have been fighting admitting that it is true for months now; since before I ever started my blog or even joining adoptive support sites. A few days ago I went through all the text messages that we have sent back and forth on my phone. All the way back to when I first got the new phone back in October, and before we knew she was pregnant.

            It was painful; it took me three hours to read them all. The main reason I think it hurt so much was because I looked at the wonderful things we said to one another, and then think of the fact that we no longer have any relationship. It has made me feel like I’m a failure as a potential husband for anyone at all; like I’ll never be good enough. I loved her so much that it still hurts to try and think about when we were together.

            A few days before I looked through all the messages we sent one another, I had a realization. That we never would have worked out at all, no matter how much I tried, or how much I wanted it to. Even if we had stopped during the act, or even if we hadn’t stopped and she hadn’t gotten pregnant at all. We still wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. And boy did I want it to work. She is one of the sweetest, and most attractive people I have ever dated. And my fear is that I will never be able to find someone like her again. That I will compare all the women I date to her and they won’t add up. I fear I won’t be able to find someone I get along with the way we did when we first started dating. And fact is that I just don’t know how to get past it right now.

            I miss that girl that I fell in love with. I miss the way she would stick her tongue out just a little after she giggled. I hate the fact that my last memory of her voice is in an upset tone, instead of the sweet voice that she really has. I miss being able to have someone to hug and hold me when I’m upset. I miss holding her small hand in mine. I miss having a best friend to talk to and share excitement with all the time. I miss feeling like someone wants me in their life forever. I miss her the way she was before all this changed us both.

            I wish that we could go back to that fantasy we had and just stay there. I wish I could feel like I’m in love again. I wish that I could feel like someday I will be again. I know I’ll move on at some point, and I’ll have that fire to find someone again. But I’m just not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to put myself on the cutting board at another person’s mercy. I know this all sounds pathetic, and maybe I am wallowing here. But the truth here is that my heart is broken. 

TORTURED

His Blood Will Boil And The Kids Will Sing, Learn To Drown Before You Learn To Swim

            Installment number three of the lyrical poems. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment/post/whatever with this.

It’s all just as well, everything’s just the same.

The sun will still set, there’s no one to blame.

So I’ll look to the skies.

And try to win that great prize.

But I have no hope to do so without the ladder to reach.

I stand gazing over my forest as my interest starts to wane.

If I were to sell the trees for money how much wealth would I gain?

I could then possess the thing I think will bring happiness and fame.

But will the beauty compare? Could it ever feel the same?

So what now?

Should I run with the wolves?

Or should I tear down their home?

Is it better to fight and then lose?

Or better to lose fighting?

Will it be easier to live with everything?

Or to live with myself without them?

            There you go. Enjoy (I hope) And now for the music. A great song. I know I use these guys a lot. But they are my favorite band, and they are really good with words and capturing emotion. I hope you like the song.

UNITY

And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore

            Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.

            I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.

            I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.

            I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.

            My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.

            So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.

            I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.

GROWTH

They Used To Be Just Like Me And You,

They Used To Be Sweet Little Boys.

            Let me show you some pictures…

            This picture is my little brother, Kitch (short for Christian). Now let me tell a little about a thought that has gone through my head recently.

            Today I met Mama-J and Papa-J's boys for the first time. Impressions? Cute kids, smaller than I had envisioned in my head, and I think that is due to the fact that the only pictures I have seen of them is with their parents, and I forgot how much shorter than me they are haha. JC was a lot quieter than I figured he would be, but a lot of fun anyway! JB was more outgoing than I thought he would be! He was easy to talk to, and that was really nice.

            Now you ask “Benjamin, why are you talking about these two boys? And what’s the deal with the picture of your brother?”. Let me tell you. Last week my little brother broke his wrist at the skate park. The exact same wrist, in almost the exact same spot, on almost the same obstacle that I did when I broke my arm last 8 years ago. It made me think of all the times I used to worry about him.

            My first job was at a daycare center. I worked there in the summer, for two years in a row. I was a teacher for grade school aged kids. So basically all the kids from 6-12 years old. It was also about this same time that my father was having trouble finding work in state and was doing a lot of traveling. He would be gone anywhere from 4-6 weeks at a time. And not to sound as though I ran the show, but when he was gone, a lot of the fatherly responsibilities fell on me. Mostly simple stuff like spending time with my little brother and sister, or just helping with things like dinner, and making sure the kids didn’t rip one another’s heads off. (We still have to do that.)

            Because I was sort of responsible for my little brother’s well being, I really developed a fatherly instinct toward him (nowhere near what the actual thing is like I’m sure). He would go with me to work at the daycare so that the two of them (Kitch, Kayla) wouldn’t be around each other all the time, and it also kept Kitch out of trouble. I used to have nightmares about people trying to hurt him, or kidnap him. And honestly for a long time that was my biggest fear. I mean I have a pretty strong connection with the kid; after all I have saved his skin TWICE! So it really would freak me out when he wouldn’t come home from a friends house when he said he would, or we just couldn’t find him at all.

            Well the other day when Kitch called me and said “dude guess what!?” and told me he had just broken his arm. I didn’t freak out at all, I just asked if he had called my mother and if anyone at the skate park had a pillow he could rest his arm on. I used to freak out whenever I saw him bleed; it would completely make my stomach start turning. I would feel nauseated, and most times I would have to move a little slower in order to take care of things. Funny thing is when I worked at the daycare and the other kids would get hurt, that didn’t happen at all. I would just grab them up rush them inside or upstairs to the medical supplies and patch them up quick as a flash and then wipe the tears and back to the grade schooler’s room we go. With Kitch and Kayla, it was never like that though. It would happen the same way, but I would feel nervous the whole time. Almost like it were life and death. So what happened the other day that made it so I didn’t have my stomach in knots?

            Kitch grew up. He was only 9 years old when I had my job at that daycare. He is 15 now, and by the end of the year will be driving! (Watch out Utah, Kitch is coming) He isn’t the same little kid he used to be. He is in high school now and has weird friends and speaks a weird language (teenager) and makes his own decisions. It seriously blows my mind how much that kid has grown up. Over the last few months he has even finally started to learn the lesson we kept trying to teach him about doing his homework.

            Alright now back to those other two boys. Today we went to the aquarium to look at fish and such with The J-Family, and myself. It was our play date for me to meet them. We were having a really good time looking at all the little fish and such when something happened. JB went missing. We were all by the pool of stingrays, and were petting them and such, and just about at the same time Papa-J (who was standing next to me with JC) and I looked up and couldn’t find JB who had been next to Mama-J on the other side of the pool (tank?).

            Here is where the strange thing happened. I immediately started looking for him, (Mama-J did the same) which isn’t so strange, but that feeling was in my stomach. That feeling like if I don’t get this taken care of someone could be seriously hurt. It didn’t help that it took us 5 or so minutes to locate him (he was behind us looking at sea urchins). So what does this mean? Do I have some sort of unhealthy attachment after only spending a few hours with those boys? Did it only happen because he kind of looks like my little brother did at that age? Or is it just because Mama-J and Papa-J are awesome loving people who make you feel welcomed and wanted at every turn? Hint: I think it’s the last reason. I hope that doesn’t make them feel strange. Because honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not different than when I get that feeling about because niece or my cousins daughters.

            Well here is the main point for this post. I thought about it a bit and here it goes. I miss my little brother. I miss living with him, and I miss playing with him. I miss him not being so independent. I miss him being small enough that he could jump into my arms when I came to visit. And I even miss how much he got on my nerves! I miss him when he was like this.

            It’s funny; I have spent my whole life up to this point thinking of him as my little buddy. Thinking of him playing Pokemon and taking chocolate bars from the cupboard. Always just thinking of him as being little. And then somehow he grew up. He started liking girls, and developing his own taste in music. He even has his own opinions about cars (which are mostly wrong. SCREW TUNERS! GERMAN CARS FTW!!!!!). Well Kitch I want you to know I still love you buddy, and I’m really proud of you. I’m really proud of a lot of the decisions you have made, and more specifically for the ones you haven’t made. Now keep making me proud to say I’m your BIG BROTHER!

            Today’s song I have been told is creepy, but I think it’s cute. You know like the horror stories your parents tell you when you are little to get you to behave or do your chores or brush your teeth or whatever. It’s that kind of song. And I had wanted to share it with Mama-J and Papa-J, so here you go!

WALK ON

We Cannot Delete It, Just Because Of The Trend Tossed About

By The Waves Of The Sea.

            Two things.

First thing: I’m doing this again because I didn’t get anything but good response from the last one of it’s kind.

Second thing: I have been running out of new ideas, so I’m just going to do one of these every Thursday in order to help my other posts be less….. crappy.

            So, without any further hindrance, here is this weeks lyrical poem.

Walk On.

This testament will not die,

For it is not a wavering text.

Read it, and you shall know,

The truths of all of us.

The power you’ll receive,

It will help you in your times,

Times of despair and torture.

WALK ON MY CHILD.

For you are not meant for that path,

That path of failure you see.

Walk on and see.

Things are not always as they seem.

I say.

Walk on my child.

WALK ON!

            Wrote this one two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites. The message in it is pretty clear, So I don’t really feel any need to elaborate. Know what would be awesome though? If you blew up my comment feed. So, until Saturday, goodbye and stay strong!

            Oh yeah, watch out for the song today, it bites!