THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

CANDOR

Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!

REGRET

And Here I Rest Where Disappointment And Regret Collide

            I hate you.

Simple words. How many times have I said or done something I wish I hadn’t? There are many cases through my life that I can think of, where that is the case. For a long time I have said that I don’t regret anything in my life. But facts are that I do. There are not a lot of things I regret. But the ones that are there, I do regret immensely. Let us discuss this.

            When I was a teenager I had MAJOR anger management issues. I was angry at the world and there wasn’t a thing anyone could do that would make me feel otherwise. I hated everyone and everything. My despise for life got so bad that I had to be sent to a treatment center in order to keep myself and others safe. Now while I can look back now and appreciate the things that my parents did for me, and I’m GLAD they got me the help I needed. It doesn’t change some of the things that happened.

Well I’ll tell you that while I don’t have anger issues to the same extent I once did, and that for the most part I’m able to keep them in check, I do still have them. I still get hot really fast. And I still have a very nasty habit of saying things that I wish I hadn’t. The reason I wish I didn’t say them, isn’t because of how it affects me, but because of how it can affect the person I said it too.

            When I went to this treatment center, we would have family therapy sessions, AKA Benjamin is going to make you feel horrible time. Keep in mind that I was a VERY sick boy at this point. But we would go to these meetings and I would say the most vile, horrible, hurtful things I could think of to my parents and family. I would tell my sisters of how they never cared about me and that they wouldn’t have ever noticed if I wasn’t even there.

            I said many things to my parents. And most of my rage was directed at them. While I am not going to go into detail about the things that I actually said to them, I will say that they were over the line. I said things to try and make them feel worthless, things that I hoped would make them feel as useless and unwanted as I had felt. I said things to them that a parent should never hear from their child. Things that I hope Darling never says to either of her birthparents or adoptive parents. I hope that if a time like that ever comes, I can be as strong as my mother was, and remember what she said to me.

            After spending a good ten to fifteen minutes yelling at my mother telling her how much I hated her and that I wished she would die. The only thing she did was look at me and say, “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”. There are a lot of things from that time in my life that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I spent the allowance I was given while I was in the center. I don’t remember most of the things we talked about during group session with the other boys. Shoot I don’t remember most of the things said during my private sessions. But I do remember that.

            Try and tell me that when someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t at least somewhat take it in. Can you remember a time when you felt like you were doing the best you could and someone told you that you could do far better? Like everything you did was not good enough; and it just made you hate ever even trying at all? I know that I can. I also know that I can remember being the person saying that to someone. Being the one that causes those times of self doubt and worthlessness.

            And then there are other times that make up for everything. There are times when you are just so frustrated and ready to quit and you will look at your husband or wife or parents or whoever, and they don’t say a word. They just give you that look. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that says it all without a single word. The one that tells you that they still love you, and they know how you feel. The one that says everything you need, even if you don’t want to hear it. That look that says “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”.

            I love you enough to let you hate me for a while. Simple words that say true love, and forgiveness. When you are feeling down and regretful about things you have said to others, I hope you can remember them saying this sort of thing to you. And I hope it helps you to then be able to forgive yourself also. We all make mistakes, some more severe than others, but we all have the ability to forgive ourselves. And when you can do that, you can do anything.

I hope not to offend anyone by this, but I feel like I should say it anyway. I want you to know what gets me through. These are words that were spoken by Mr. Stephen Keech of Haste The Day. Every time I hear them it helps me know that I can do anything.

 “There is hope in this broken world. Through all of the hatred in this world, there is a love. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in your life, you are loved! And you are the most beautiful thing ever. Because Jesus Christ came to this earth, and he died for us. He died for you. It doesn’t matter what you believe, Jesus Christ still died for you, and he still loves you more than anything else.”

                        I had a really hard time finding any songs with regret as the main theme that I liked, but thanks to some new friends, this is what I decided on.

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

ACCOUNTABILITY

And I Will Hang My Head, Hang My Head Low

I have been told that I am a persuasive person. I have had jobs in the past working solely on my ability to sell products/services/myself. And I am good at it. I also happen to be VERY opinionated. So those two things tend to combine a lot and I end up getting people to see “my side” of things. It isn’t my intention to make others agree with me, but to make sure that my view was seen the way I perceived it.

I have felt the need to brighten the picture I have made for you all to see, of Darling’s mother. I have somewhat thrown myself a pity party for you all to commiserate in. So at this point I need you all to know what a truly great person Darling’s mother is. She loves her daughter as much as I do. And is as selfless if not more so than I am in this whole journey. She is sweeter than chocolate covered sugar cubes, and as nice as can be. And after having the opportunity to speak with her briefly today, I know now that her view on everything is severely different than mine. And I learned that I WAS IN FACT controlling her, even though I never meant to.

Looking back on old posts and discussions I have had with people I can hardly stand myself. I look at me stating how I feel about her actions and not really trying at all to defend them for her. I look at this and just think to myself “get real man!”. Take responsibility for the things you did. For the fact that you knew she had confidence issues and subjected her to constant questioning of her decisions. For saying things you didn’t mean only because you weren’t getting the communication you desired. Get real and understand that not everyone is like you and can say what they mean right off the bat. And that not everyone goes running at their decisions without looking back. Get accountable for your actions you selfish impatient jerk. (Yes I am talking to myself.)

Why was I so upset with the case workers at the agency? Because I felt like they didn’t really try to get me involved. As it so happens there is a reason for that. When a mother comes to that agency, they become a client. And because of the laws in our state they cannot make any contact with me or any other birth farther unless the birth mother signs a disclosure agreement stating that they can. This is why it took them so long to get me involved to the point that I am. And I should be grateful that Darling’s mother has been able to put aside the fact that we have our differences, to let me be a part of Darling’s life. And after learning these things, I am.

Why was I upset with Darling’s mother? Because she wouldn’t communicate her views with me on demand. I couldn’t understand that she felt like I was trying to control her. And in fact I don’t think that is it at all. I don’t think she feels like I was trying to control her, but that I was nonetheless. In an attempt to understand her better I questioned her thoughts which caused her to do the same. And when you start second guessing yourself you search for other possible answers. I am sure that my persuasiveness did not help her at all, and caused her even more unease as this happened. It only makes sense then that she wants/wanted nothing to do with me in order to be able to keep her thoughts her own.

So here are my thanks. Thank you to all the case workers involved for seeing how distraught I was through this, and then feeling it important that I also be able to grieve. Thank you for at least hearing my voice on what I wanted from adoptive parents. Thank you for reading my blog (yes I’m talking about you Kari) so you can have even more insight into my feelings and thoughts, even though you didn’t need to. Thank you to my case worker for putting me in my place when I over-reacted to things.

Thank you to Darling’s mother for being more mature than I knew or could recognize. Thank you for being strong enough to push me away. Thank you for finally letting me know why you feel the way you do. And thank you for letting me be a part of my daughter’s life.

Now here are my apologies. I’m sorry to the caseworkers for pushing and pushing you the ways I did. Had I known what your limitations are I don’t think I would have been this way. It is my own fault for never really asking what you CAN do for me. I apologize to my case worker for being rude to you over the phone when I did. I’m sorry to her case worker for being so abrupt and brash in some of the emails I have sent.

I’m sorry to you Darling’s mother for never making you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind. For never letting you state your opinion without also interjecting my own. For not letting you take charge when you needed to be able to. I am most sorry for the things I said to you in anger. I want you to know at this point that they never should have been said. And I hope that you can know that while I know text is flat, that I am sincere in these things I say.

To all of you mentioned above. I hope that you can forgive me for my actions. I hope that you can understand I struggle. And that as this process has continued, the things you all have done have been able to help me in more ways than just regarding the adoption of Darling.

Now as I sit here thinking of all these things, feeling lower than low. I need to be able to remind myself that I must also forgive myself. I can’t expect anyone to forgive my transgressions if I can’t even do this on my own. And that will definitely take some time. And to you my readers, I hope that you don’t feel lied to. I hope you can understand that these revelations come over time, and sometimes take a while to surface into my consciousness.

This song really visualizes the guilt I am feeling.

PERSPECTIVE

This Problem Is Gonna Last More Than The Weekend.

The other day I was chatting with one of my inner circle members (SUG) about wanting to do a follow up post for SELFISHNESS. I wanted to do one that was basically the exact opposite in order to give women a guide for what to look for in men, and a guide for what men should be. I wanted to use good examples. I knew that I was going to be traveling to my grandparents home town and I could think of no greater gentleman than my grandfather. I had intended on using him as a sort of base for what we should be. I had intended on asking him questions about what men were like when he was my age (60 years ago) and what he thought was the biggest difference now. Well unfortunately my grandfather isn't as sharp as he once was. But very fortunately I was given something even better. I was given a new perspective.

I had not told my grandparents on my father's side about the adoption. Not because I didn't want them knowing, but because I figured that since my father spoke to them on a weekly basis he would do it for me. Well about a week ago my mother called me and asked if I would help her at a jewelry show in my grandparents home town. I said yes. She offered to get me a place to stay with some of my other relatives, and while I have nothing against them as people, I would prefer not to be around some of them while they make the choices they make. Kind of the mentality of if you don't put yourself into harms way you can't be harmed.

I just told my mother I would see if I could stay with my grandparents. I had wanted to talk to them anyway per I had recently read my grandfather's biography. I called my father to ask for their number, and while I was on the phone I thought I would ask if they knew of my situation. He informed me that more likely than not, they were unaware of the things happening. Well I called to ask them permission to stay with them anyway and was granted it.

Now the problem was to figure out when I wanted to tell them. I had thought that it might be best to wait untill the end of the trip to inform them, that way I wouldn't have to really worry about any potentially nasty or snide remarks. But I was concerned that I would not be able to keep such a big part of my life secret from them. What I basically decided was, if it comes up, it comes up.

Well I arrived at their house friday night and had a lovely meal. We had eaten a nice soup, and then I set my things in the guest room. I went to the computer and helped my grandmother with the seemingly impossible project of uploading pictures onto facebook. Yes my grandmother has a facebook, and yes I am her friend. Well After that was done I decided to check my email and see how my blog stats were doing. I logged into my email acount and had SEVEN emails telling me of ladies from adoptionvoices.com leaving comments on my page. I knew that they were all regarding the newest news about Darling's mother getting the knowledge of the right family.

Well grandma was sitting in the room and started asking me about the blog. She asked why do people blog? I explained that you can blog about lots of different things. It can be a way for family to stay in contact with eachother, without needing to make a phone call or visit. And seeing as some families work on different time schedules, that can be very beneficial. I also said that you can blog about a certain subject such as cars, music, art, etc. etc. Well grandma asked that one question I had somewhat been dreading. What is your blog about Benjamin? I didn't bother trying to not get around to answering. I mean she needed to know anyway so I showed it to her. I told her the whole story behind it (short winded version) and just showed her the blog.

I was mostly expecting my grandmother to disown me. I kind of had imagined that she would throw me out of the house and tell me to call my mother and find a different place to stay. Well first of all I will say that I truly don't know her well enough. I feel like I have been missing out on such a truly amazing part of my life for entirely too long. And secondly, she did not throw me out into the cold. I must explain before moving forward that I haven't known my father's side of the family hardly at all.

Well that was pretty much it about the adoption for that night. We went to bed after I sort of explained blogging a little more, and that was it. Well I early to go for a run, and did my best to make sure to be nice and quiet, becuase I didn't want to wake them. Well much to my surprise, when I went to go outside I saw my grandmother in the office playing on the computer. She turned and said, I couldn't find your blog! I said well let me just bring it up for you. I got a window with it open for her and then went for my run. Grandma didn't say anything really when I got back, and then we just got ready for the day.

Well at the end of the day upon returning home to have dinner. We started discussing things (that are specifically outlined in the post SELFISHNESS). I asked if she had read that post, and she said she read all of them. That she thought I had done a very good job at writing them. Well I had been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post today, and at that point decided I should. I had just had too many conversations with her about what I was looking for in the view of someone who grew up when men were still gentlemen. And even though it wasn't the source I was originally seeking, it turned out to be just as good, if not better.

Well as it seems all of my more emotional posts go, I got about three paragraphs in and had the water works start. I usually try and avoid this by going for a walk or something, so that is what I did. I went for a walk and just told grandma not to wait up for me, because I wasn't sure how long I would be. When I came back I took my time getting back to the post. I walked back into the office, and sitting there on the keyboard was an article she had laid out for me to read. It told me about how it can be very hard to stay strong in your faith. It said to not be discouraged, and that life may seem difficult now, but I must stay in my beliefs. The part that was truly the most uplifting for me was the note she wrote for me. She told me that she knew I could do this, (I assume she means about the adoption too) and that she loves and has faith in me. This is the first time I had heard this from anyone on my father's side of the family. And for me it was just what I needed.

So this post I am dedicating to my grandmother Janis, I love you very much.

Something that she told me these past few days about Heavenly Father is that he does take his time answering you. Because he knows what you need. This song depicts that very well.