END

Set Your Sights To North.

            Just over six months ago my life was blessed with an experience many people will never have. I was given the blessing of knowing how to love someone over myself completely. My rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, and I could get out the other side and truly say “I am glad I did this”. Six months ago, Darling was given a chance at something many children are not.

            Originally I started this blog for two reasons. The first main reason being that I wanted to provide an account of what it was like to go through adoption; for Darling to read some day. However I have looked back on what I wrote, versus what I remember and I have noticed that there are more discrepancies than I ever would have thought. It seems a lot of the things I said, were not the reality at all; that I remembered things a certain way to make it seem a certain way. Perhaps I was just fooling myself in order to get through the decision. More likely I was fooling myself because I didn’t want to accept the answer that was already in front of me. Either way, the outcome was the same. The outcome was something more amazing than I could ever imagine. And for that I am eternally grateful.

            The second reason I started to blog about this journey, was to help those looking for it. So that birthparents, adoptive parents, and those considering adoption could have a little insight from a point of view that doesn’t get told very often. And that is what I am writing about today.

            To whom it may concern:

There comes a point in adoption where you make a decision about how involved in that world you want to be. For many birthmothers out there, they think of the blessed lives they have because of it, and want to support it in every way that they can. And of course Adoptive Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents want to support the whole thing. After all they are hoping to be blessed by the child(ren) they have, or are waiting for. And the adoption world should be celebrated! It is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life.

            Well I have spent a long time now thinking about this. While I feel that this blog has been a help to many, I would like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to publish new posts that don’t say anything, or at least anything new, if there is a chance that I will end up saying something negative because of something that happened to me at that point that isn’t really pertinent to the subject at hand.

            I see it like this. After you have a placement, you have become so used to having your life and all your thoughts revolve around adoption that it can be difficult to move forward and get back on with life. But that is what we need to do most. We can’t sit here and keep going it over and over just to have the same outcome, because then we are given the chance to think about what could have been. What could have been doesn’t matter, and there is no need for it. The only thing that matters is what is happening now.

            What is happening now? I have a wonderful birthdaughter Darling that has an amazing family. She fits with them so well it is more than I could have ever asked for. And now I am going to go on with my life. Set my path forward, and keep my sights on what is important. So this is the end of my adoption blog. Thank you for your support, and thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Benjamin.

AN ANSWER

You Are The Fortunate All The Time.

            A week agoI was on the internet (big surprise) and stumbled on a status update from The RHouse on my Facebook feed asking the readers if they could ask a birthfatheranything at all, what would it be. Well, those who responded just so happen tobe in luck because I AM a birthfather and I AM going to answer their questions.

            The firstquestion was “what is your biggest fear regarding the birth child?”

My biggest fear for Darling is her health growing up. I’mfearful that she will end up with traits from me that made parenting difficultfor my parents.  I am verygrateful for her parents who have means to take care of these things if theywere to occur, but I do pray she doesn’t have any of the problems (due to her genes) that I had. Also I hope she doesn’t get my jaw, fouryears of braces with headgear would be traumatizing to any child lol.

            The secondquestions is “how do you REALLY feel? Behind therough/manly/defensive/bully-like/overprotective exterior, what exists?”

I really liked this question. I feel like I don’t know howto answer this. I feel grateful for the blessing to be able to have arelationship with Darling beyond the delivery room. I feel sad that I don’thave the same with her mother. I feel wonderful that this whole experience hashappened for so many different reasons.

What exists behind my “exterior” is Benjamin. I am just likeany other person I think. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it is the truth. Imade a very tough decision just like everyone else has done in life. Maybe minewas more extreme based on the way others view it, but I don’t think so. Whatexists is a person who struggles, who succeeds, who laughs, who feels insecure,and joy, and sadness, and frustration, and who tries their hardest to do whatthey should. I think we all do.

            The thirdquestion is “What can I do as an adoptive mother to help you?”

Don’t read into this answer. Treat me like a person.Remember that I am half of the equation that gave you the blessing you now callyour child. Don’t feel threatened by me. Give me space, but keep me close. Behonest with me about how you feel, and above all be able to forgive me when Ifalter.

            The fourthquestion is “What message do you want to give to our child- about you, aboutlife…”

I want Darling to know (pretty sure she already does) that I love her. I want her to know that life is a wonderful thing, and should be viewed as such. Don’t ever seclude yourself from others because you feel like they won’t like you. Your brothers are life’s built-in best friends. Your mother and father are your safety net for so many things that you can’t even comprehend. Make sure they all know you love them, even if you think you hate them. And above all… Wear Sunscreen.

            The fifthand final question is “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Darling the reason I didn’t fight for you is because I loveyou. You are the most fortunate girl because of all you have because I didn't fight. You have a loving family, who will be there for you when you need them.You have birth parents who love you as well. You are surrounded by so much loveyou might not even realize it at times. I didn’t fight for you because I love you, and love is not a fight. Love is a warm hug from your mother, it’s when your father comes to your dance recital even though he is behind at work; it's when your brother kisses your scrapped knee to make it feel better. Love is awonderful thing; it heals all wounds and brings families together. You are solucky to have parents AND birth parents who love you. 

RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter

            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.

            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!

            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.

            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.

            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?

            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

SUPPORT

It’s Better To Make Your Mistakes Than To Live Without Knowing

            As you have more likely than not noticed, I have not been posting as frequently or regularly as I was previously to now. Well I’m going to try and explain this a bit to you all, and at the same time try and change the tone from my usual seriousness to something more upbeat and even dare I say… Comical.

            You all know that the journey through adoption is not easy; that it is full of highs and lows, and is a crazy roller coaster of emotion daily, if not more often. I can only imagine the journey for adoptive parents and birthmothers. And I honestly haven’t even begun to think of what it will be like for Darling and other adoptee’s like her that have open relationships with their birthparents. I’m sure that’ll cause some weird situations in the future. Hopefully good ones though. I can see it now, some poor boy trying to grasp the concept of two sets of parents. Boy “Wait I thought your dad’s name is ___", Darling “It is, but I’m talking about my other dad, Benjamin”. Oh what I would give to have pictures of the confused looks haha.

            Well the point there is that like I said, it is a crazy ride. And it’s hard, REALLY HARD! And thus far the emotions don’t just stop coming. Even though I’ve been developing a great relationship with Darling’s adoptive family, and I have been able to get certain concerns known to the agency to be handled (I’m leaving them unnamed on purpose). I still get crazy amounts of scared. Like watching a horror film scared. You know the feeling, your stomach jumps into your chest, that feeling.

            So fortunately (and also unfortunately) for me I have been very vocal and open about the emotions I have been going through. And while it helps in some ways, it hurts in others. Like the fact that because I was posting my emotions three times a week, that meant that three times a week I am having inner reflective thoughts and trying to work through deep emotions. And well let’s be honest here, sometimes you need to bury those for a while. Just deal with them when you are ready instead of trying to force it out. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE SAD RIGHT NOW!!! Haha.

            Don’t get me wrong, it is pretty therapeutic to get that heavy stuff out there. But when the only thing you ever talk or think about is the heavy stuff it kind of puts a damper on things. Could you imagine only ever watching horror films knowing that they scare you so bad you wet yourself? NO! You need to have balance, gotta get some comedy in there, and even some *shudders* chick flicks. You need to be able to appreciate what you are going through instead of just letting it be the only thing you ever go through. Just like needing the lows to appreciate the highs, you need to have the highs to get you through the lows.

            This next bit is going to sound kind of racist but oh well. It is meant to be funny, not offensive. Going back the analogy of watching a scary movie, there usually is, and always should be, a black lady in the audience. The one who shouts “don’t go into that room, the killer is gonna get you, you stupid blonde white girl!” the moment before one of the main characters gets slaughtered in a sea of blood and or guts. I’ve been having several “black ladies” in my audience. Telling me to stop focusing on all this sadness and difficulty and go in other directions as well. People reminding me that this isn’t the only thing that will ever happen, and life WILL move on, and in the case of one of these “black ladies” that it will be in a great direction.

            So in writing this post I am taking a step toward going back to the funny upbeat guy my family and friends are more used to. Maybe I’ll even start writing jokes again! Time will tell, and we shall see. So until next time, remember folks, always spay and neuter your pets and always drink nutritious and tasty Ovaltine.

            Oh, I don’t really have a song to go with this whole thought process, so I’m just posting a song by an artist I love and want more people to know about. It’s an upbeat song I promise haha.

HERE WITHOUT

I Guess The Honeymoon Is Over

            Week number four! This is actually a song I’ve been writing for Darling since Novermber-ish? Yeah we will go with November 2010. I just finished writing the guitar parts for it the other day. Maybe after I finish editing these words I’ll post it again as a whole with the song posted being a recording of it. If you are lucky.

Here Without (Being Here)

This journey’s a long one and it’s full of much pain.

I’ve ignored many others, I’ve been very vain.

Now I’ll do what I need to, and help who I can.

I’ll be who I can be, I’ll be who I am.

Well I’m here, without being here.

Just know that I’m here, without being here.

            So the song this week is originally by the band that made me want to learn guitar after I started listening to them. But I heard this cover about a year and a half ago and just liked it way more. So I hope you do to. Enjoy!

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

JOY

I Was Always There, But You Just

 Never Knew Where

            I want to start by thanking you. I want to thank my family for supporting me in my decisions. I want to thank my friends for giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to yell in. I want to thank my church for giving me the strength and blessings I have needed to be able to make it through this trial. I want to thank my readers for all their concern and hope for things to work. And I want to thank the Jones family for not just wanting me to be a part of Darling’s life, but for giving her all the things I cannot.

            Everybody, let me tell you about Mama-J and Papa-J.

            I can only imagine that they were as nervous as I was to meet. I arrived about 20 minutes early (if you aren’t early, you’re late is my mentality) and sat in a room waiting for them to arrive and our meeting to start. Before my case worker even came to fetch me I noticed while I was playing on my phone that I was literally shaking. That is saying something for me; I’m usually the guy that keeps his composure in an emergency. So you would think that something as simple as meeting two people would be easy to handle. HAH! Right…

            Well as I entered the room there they were, sitting in their seats. I had been nervous about how they would greet me, hoping it would be a warm welcome. Papa-J approached first and extended his hand to shake. I will say my heart sank just a little at that moment, but as I took his hand he pulled me into a great hug! Mama-J didn’t even bother with the handshaking nonsense and just went straight for it! We sat down, got our selves comfortable and let the case workers explain how it was all to shake out.

            We spent the first part of the meeting with me asking the two of them questions, talking about things that I liked about them, and I shared with them that I felt that my Heavenly Father had shown to me that they were the people that NEED to raise Darling. Tears were shed, laughter was had, and to be honest, it was one of the most spiritual moments I can remember. They just emanated pure love. It was so easy to see how much they cared for Darling, her mother, and me.

            I am just so happy to know that I’m being welcomed in to be a part of everything. I feel as though all the stress I was having that kept me up at night, all the anxiety, all the fear that Darling wouldn’t get what I wanted for her, had been taken from me. Like I can stop putting other things on hold. I feel like I can breathe again. It’s funny to me because these two made me feel so welcomed, that I almost forgot who it was that is getting adopted! (Almost ;) haha)

            We spent about an hour and forty five minutes getting to know each other. And up to this point including the 5 minute phone call I had with Mama-J two days later and the text messages sent back and fourth, we have only spent about 2 hours interacting with each other. And yet I can honestly say that I love these two people as much as I love any of my closest friends. And I am very excited to meet their boys! We are going to get into all sorts of mischief. Hopefully, Mama-J and Papa-J won’t think I’m too much of a bad influence ;)

            I had spent a lot of time trying to find a song that would show the joy that I’m feeling, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that felt just right. I will admit it probably has something to do with the fact that I listen to so much angst filled music. Haha. But in my search I remembered a song that I love very much. Ironically it is the song that I would have chosen for Darling’s mother and I. I actually had chosen it for us but I didn’t want to be the cheesy guy that says “this should be our song”. Well after listening to it again, it feels right for it to be used to express so many thoughts I have toward Darling, and her new family. So I’m going to give you a break down of how I interpreted the lyrics, while I list them because it seems most online resources got them wrong.

If our world falls down tomorrow you’ll be sure I’ll be there with a net. To catch the pieces falling, and I was always there. And I was always there. I was always there but you just, never knew where.

This first verse is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J in regards to why they chose to adopt.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This first part of the chorus is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

The second part of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J speaking to Darling.

I’ve considered what it’d be like if the ocean poured in from both of the coasts, and we set sail to find out just where our boat would go. But I don’t think I’d want to know, ‘cause it would just make time so I can see your smile with our brand new life in tow.

This second verse feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

(The second part of the chorus the interpretation is the same)

And if I’m on the road for another thousand years or so I hope you know a part of me is at home.

This first part of the bridge is me talking to Darling if she ever feels alone.

Not trading brick for straw in the house I’ve built around my heart.

So when you came I’d be so tough.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

This second part of the bridge feels like Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys talking to me and Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, their boys, and to Darling (whenever I will be able to see her)

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

This final time the second half of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to just me, welcoming me as a new part of everything.