RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter

            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.

            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!

            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.

            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.

            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?

            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

HERE WITHOUT

I Guess The Honeymoon Is Over

            Week number four! This is actually a song I’ve been writing for Darling since Novermber-ish? Yeah we will go with November 2010. I just finished writing the guitar parts for it the other day. Maybe after I finish editing these words I’ll post it again as a whole with the song posted being a recording of it. If you are lucky.

Here Without (Being Here)

This journey’s a long one and it’s full of much pain.

I’ve ignored many others, I’ve been very vain.

Now I’ll do what I need to, and help who I can.

I’ll be who I can be, I’ll be who I am.

Well I’m here, without being here.

Just know that I’m here, without being here.

            So the song this week is originally by the band that made me want to learn guitar after I started listening to them. But I heard this cover about a year and a half ago and just liked it way more. So I hope you do to. Enjoy!

HONESTY

The Truth Hurts, But Denial’s What Will Kill You

            As you may be aware, I didn’t post last Saturday, and this post was meant for Tuesday, but is coming a bit late. Reasons being that I’ve had a lot to process in that time. I have been suffering from a greater amount of depression, and I tend to close up shop when that happens. Pretty sure that’s how it works for most people when they are depressed. I say this mainly to let you know that this post is basically going to be two posts in one (so yes there will be two songs). And will be pretty long. So grab your favorite sipping drink, a bowl of popcorn and settle in folks, because the show is starting. 

            Many commented on my post last Tuesday that the relationship between adoptive families and birth families takes a lot of time and effort on both parts. And in these early stages it is a very difficult path to walk down. Mistakes can be made on both sides very easily. Well last Tuesday that is exactly what happened. Both sides made a mistake. The mistake being that we both failed to communicate with the other side of the equation.

            When this happened for me a thought that I had been having became more dominant in my minds eye. I had been thinking about pulling out of the adoption. Not blocking it (I could never do that to the adoptive family, I care about them too much), but deciding to not be involved anymore. I was feeling like I wasn’t really wanted, and that I didn’t matter to any involved. And I posted about it, instead of talking to the other people involved. Well by the time Friday came around this thought was consuming my thoughts pretty much all day. I was working with my cousin whose opinion I value very much, and decided I would ask for his input before I made my decision.

            I just asked if he thought it would be better for me to pull out, or matter at all. His answer was very honest and sincere. The guy has known me since I was born, so I think he might know a thing or two about who I am and how I operate. This is what he told me (paraphrased). “Benjamin, you know I think it might make it easier for you to handle now, but in the long run I think you would regret it. I think you would regret not going through those hard things and having those experiences to help you later on. You would regret not holding your daughter, and closing the relationship with the adoptive family”. A wise man, a wise man indeed.

            After getting his input on the whole thing I decided I to talk to the adoptive family and express my concerns and feelings. So we set up a time to talk the next day. I find it funny because when I talked to my cousin about it he said that when I talk to them I shouldn’t just jump into the heavy stuff, and try to just find a way into the subject. Well it didn’t really happen that way at all. We sort of did the usual thing you do when starting a conversation with someone. The “how are you”s and the “what’s new?”s came and it felt to me like after that the conversation basically died haha. So I just got down to it, and told them why I was calling. That what had happened on Tuesday had really REALLY hurt me, even though I knew that they had never meant for it to. We all acknowledged that we felt like we were walking on egg shells. How unhealthy is that!? You can’t expect for a friendship to work if one or both parties is not being themselves. A relationship grown in dishonesty can only bear fruit of failure.

            It was a good conversation all in all. It provided a lot of clarity that I was looking for, and hopefully some that they might have been seeking as well. Opening the lines for communication helped a lot. To not feel pressured to act a certain way, or feel like you can’t say certain things. And I’m glad that they were able to express their feelings to me as well. And hopefully I will remember that I CAN talk to them if needed.

Now for the intermission.

This Is Goodbye This Is The End

            Two words, therapy.

I wish I didn’t feel as deeply as I do sometimes; that it were easier for me to mourn loss. I have been avoiding the fact that I am in fact not just dealing with placing my daughter. But that I’m also mourning the loss of someone I loved very dearly.

            My case worker has said it, my sister has said it, and even Darling’s adoptive parents have said it. I’m mourning losing the birthmother. I have been fighting admitting that it is true for months now; since before I ever started my blog or even joining adoptive support sites. A few days ago I went through all the text messages that we have sent back and forth on my phone. All the way back to when I first got the new phone back in October, and before we knew she was pregnant.

            It was painful; it took me three hours to read them all. The main reason I think it hurt so much was because I looked at the wonderful things we said to one another, and then think of the fact that we no longer have any relationship. It has made me feel like I’m a failure as a potential husband for anyone at all; like I’ll never be good enough. I loved her so much that it still hurts to try and think about when we were together.

            A few days before I looked through all the messages we sent one another, I had a realization. That we never would have worked out at all, no matter how much I tried, or how much I wanted it to. Even if we had stopped during the act, or even if we hadn’t stopped and she hadn’t gotten pregnant at all. We still wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. And boy did I want it to work. She is one of the sweetest, and most attractive people I have ever dated. And my fear is that I will never be able to find someone like her again. That I will compare all the women I date to her and they won’t add up. I fear I won’t be able to find someone I get along with the way we did when we first started dating. And fact is that I just don’t know how to get past it right now.

            I miss that girl that I fell in love with. I miss the way she would stick her tongue out just a little after she giggled. I hate the fact that my last memory of her voice is in an upset tone, instead of the sweet voice that she really has. I miss being able to have someone to hug and hold me when I’m upset. I miss holding her small hand in mine. I miss having a best friend to talk to and share excitement with all the time. I miss feeling like someone wants me in their life forever. I miss her the way she was before all this changed us both.

            I wish that we could go back to that fantasy we had and just stay there. I wish I could feel like I’m in love again. I wish that I could feel like someday I will be again. I know I’ll move on at some point, and I’ll have that fire to find someone again. But I’m just not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to put myself on the cutting board at another person’s mercy. I know this all sounds pathetic, and maybe I am wallowing here. But the truth here is that my heart is broken. 

UNITY

And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore

            Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.

            I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.

            I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.

            I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.

            My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.

            So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.

            I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.

WALK ON

We Cannot Delete It, Just Because Of The Trend Tossed About

By The Waves Of The Sea.

            Two things.

First thing: I’m doing this again because I didn’t get anything but good response from the last one of it’s kind.

Second thing: I have been running out of new ideas, so I’m just going to do one of these every Thursday in order to help my other posts be less….. crappy.

            So, without any further hindrance, here is this weeks lyrical poem.

Walk On.

This testament will not die,

For it is not a wavering text.

Read it, and you shall know,

The truths of all of us.

The power you’ll receive,

It will help you in your times,

Times of despair and torture.

WALK ON MY CHILD.

For you are not meant for that path,

That path of failure you see.

Walk on and see.

Things are not always as they seem.

I say.

Walk on my child.

WALK ON!

            Wrote this one two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites. The message in it is pretty clear, So I don’t really feel any need to elaborate. Know what would be awesome though? If you blew up my comment feed. So, until Saturday, goodbye and stay strong!

            Oh yeah, watch out for the song today, it bites!

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

JOY

I Was Always There, But You Just

 Never Knew Where

            I want to start by thanking you. I want to thank my family for supporting me in my decisions. I want to thank my friends for giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to yell in. I want to thank my church for giving me the strength and blessings I have needed to be able to make it through this trial. I want to thank my readers for all their concern and hope for things to work. And I want to thank the Jones family for not just wanting me to be a part of Darling’s life, but for giving her all the things I cannot.

            Everybody, let me tell you about Mama-J and Papa-J.

            I can only imagine that they were as nervous as I was to meet. I arrived about 20 minutes early (if you aren’t early, you’re late is my mentality) and sat in a room waiting for them to arrive and our meeting to start. Before my case worker even came to fetch me I noticed while I was playing on my phone that I was literally shaking. That is saying something for me; I’m usually the guy that keeps his composure in an emergency. So you would think that something as simple as meeting two people would be easy to handle. HAH! Right…

            Well as I entered the room there they were, sitting in their seats. I had been nervous about how they would greet me, hoping it would be a warm welcome. Papa-J approached first and extended his hand to shake. I will say my heart sank just a little at that moment, but as I took his hand he pulled me into a great hug! Mama-J didn’t even bother with the handshaking nonsense and just went straight for it! We sat down, got our selves comfortable and let the case workers explain how it was all to shake out.

            We spent the first part of the meeting with me asking the two of them questions, talking about things that I liked about them, and I shared with them that I felt that my Heavenly Father had shown to me that they were the people that NEED to raise Darling. Tears were shed, laughter was had, and to be honest, it was one of the most spiritual moments I can remember. They just emanated pure love. It was so easy to see how much they cared for Darling, her mother, and me.

            I am just so happy to know that I’m being welcomed in to be a part of everything. I feel as though all the stress I was having that kept me up at night, all the anxiety, all the fear that Darling wouldn’t get what I wanted for her, had been taken from me. Like I can stop putting other things on hold. I feel like I can breathe again. It’s funny to me because these two made me feel so welcomed, that I almost forgot who it was that is getting adopted! (Almost ;) haha)

            We spent about an hour and forty five minutes getting to know each other. And up to this point including the 5 minute phone call I had with Mama-J two days later and the text messages sent back and fourth, we have only spent about 2 hours interacting with each other. And yet I can honestly say that I love these two people as much as I love any of my closest friends. And I am very excited to meet their boys! We are going to get into all sorts of mischief. Hopefully, Mama-J and Papa-J won’t think I’m too much of a bad influence ;)

            I had spent a lot of time trying to find a song that would show the joy that I’m feeling, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that felt just right. I will admit it probably has something to do with the fact that I listen to so much angst filled music. Haha. But in my search I remembered a song that I love very much. Ironically it is the song that I would have chosen for Darling’s mother and I. I actually had chosen it for us but I didn’t want to be the cheesy guy that says “this should be our song”. Well after listening to it again, it feels right for it to be used to express so many thoughts I have toward Darling, and her new family. So I’m going to give you a break down of how I interpreted the lyrics, while I list them because it seems most online resources got them wrong.

If our world falls down tomorrow you’ll be sure I’ll be there with a net. To catch the pieces falling, and I was always there. And I was always there. I was always there but you just, never knew where.

This first verse is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J in regards to why they chose to adopt.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This first part of the chorus is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

The second part of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J speaking to Darling.

I’ve considered what it’d be like if the ocean poured in from both of the coasts, and we set sail to find out just where our boat would go. But I don’t think I’d want to know, ‘cause it would just make time so I can see your smile with our brand new life in tow.

This second verse feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

(The second part of the chorus the interpretation is the same)

And if I’m on the road for another thousand years or so I hope you know a part of me is at home.

This first part of the bridge is me talking to Darling if she ever feels alone.

Not trading brick for straw in the house I’ve built around my heart.

So when you came I’d be so tough.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

This second part of the bridge feels like Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys talking to me and Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, their boys, and to Darling (whenever I will be able to see her)

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

This final time the second half of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to just me, welcoming me as a new part of everything.

ACCOUNTABILITY

And I Will Hang My Head, Hang My Head Low

I have been told that I am a persuasive person. I have had jobs in the past working solely on my ability to sell products/services/myself. And I am good at it. I also happen to be VERY opinionated. So those two things tend to combine a lot and I end up getting people to see “my side” of things. It isn’t my intention to make others agree with me, but to make sure that my view was seen the way I perceived it.

I have felt the need to brighten the picture I have made for you all to see, of Darling’s mother. I have somewhat thrown myself a pity party for you all to commiserate in. So at this point I need you all to know what a truly great person Darling’s mother is. She loves her daughter as much as I do. And is as selfless if not more so than I am in this whole journey. She is sweeter than chocolate covered sugar cubes, and as nice as can be. And after having the opportunity to speak with her briefly today, I know now that her view on everything is severely different than mine. And I learned that I WAS IN FACT controlling her, even though I never meant to.

Looking back on old posts and discussions I have had with people I can hardly stand myself. I look at me stating how I feel about her actions and not really trying at all to defend them for her. I look at this and just think to myself “get real man!”. Take responsibility for the things you did. For the fact that you knew she had confidence issues and subjected her to constant questioning of her decisions. For saying things you didn’t mean only because you weren’t getting the communication you desired. Get real and understand that not everyone is like you and can say what they mean right off the bat. And that not everyone goes running at their decisions without looking back. Get accountable for your actions you selfish impatient jerk. (Yes I am talking to myself.)

Why was I so upset with the case workers at the agency? Because I felt like they didn’t really try to get me involved. As it so happens there is a reason for that. When a mother comes to that agency, they become a client. And because of the laws in our state they cannot make any contact with me or any other birth farther unless the birth mother signs a disclosure agreement stating that they can. This is why it took them so long to get me involved to the point that I am. And I should be grateful that Darling’s mother has been able to put aside the fact that we have our differences, to let me be a part of Darling’s life. And after learning these things, I am.

Why was I upset with Darling’s mother? Because she wouldn’t communicate her views with me on demand. I couldn’t understand that she felt like I was trying to control her. And in fact I don’t think that is it at all. I don’t think she feels like I was trying to control her, but that I was nonetheless. In an attempt to understand her better I questioned her thoughts which caused her to do the same. And when you start second guessing yourself you search for other possible answers. I am sure that my persuasiveness did not help her at all, and caused her even more unease as this happened. It only makes sense then that she wants/wanted nothing to do with me in order to be able to keep her thoughts her own.

So here are my thanks. Thank you to all the case workers involved for seeing how distraught I was through this, and then feeling it important that I also be able to grieve. Thank you for at least hearing my voice on what I wanted from adoptive parents. Thank you for reading my blog (yes I’m talking about you Kari) so you can have even more insight into my feelings and thoughts, even though you didn’t need to. Thank you to my case worker for putting me in my place when I over-reacted to things.

Thank you to Darling’s mother for being more mature than I knew or could recognize. Thank you for being strong enough to push me away. Thank you for finally letting me know why you feel the way you do. And thank you for letting me be a part of my daughter’s life.

Now here are my apologies. I’m sorry to the caseworkers for pushing and pushing you the ways I did. Had I known what your limitations are I don’t think I would have been this way. It is my own fault for never really asking what you CAN do for me. I apologize to my case worker for being rude to you over the phone when I did. I’m sorry to her case worker for being so abrupt and brash in some of the emails I have sent.

I’m sorry to you Darling’s mother for never making you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind. For never letting you state your opinion without also interjecting my own. For not letting you take charge when you needed to be able to. I am most sorry for the things I said to you in anger. I want you to know at this point that they never should have been said. And I hope that you can know that while I know text is flat, that I am sincere in these things I say.

To all of you mentioned above. I hope that you can forgive me for my actions. I hope that you can understand I struggle. And that as this process has continued, the things you all have done have been able to help me in more ways than just regarding the adoption of Darling.

Now as I sit here thinking of all these things, feeling lower than low. I need to be able to remind myself that I must also forgive myself. I can’t expect anyone to forgive my transgressions if I can’t even do this on my own. And that will definitely take some time. And to you my readers, I hope that you don’t feel lied to. I hope you can understand that these revelations come over time, and sometimes take a while to surface into my consciousness.

This song really visualizes the guilt I am feeling.

IRE Pt. III

I Want To Rip Out The Foundation,

I Want The Axis To Rupture.

Seeing as all great SAGA’s come in sets of three, I thought I would just continue on the same idea (sort of) that I had been discussing.

I LOVE ANGRY MUSIC. I just love the stuff. That music that makes most want to have a heart attack, just makes me smile. I understand that not all people enjoy the music that I listen to the majority of the time. I have accepted that I have a larger audience to please than just myself with this blog, and I do keep you in mind when I select the music I post along with each post. So right now I’m going to apologize for subjecting you to music you may not enjoy.

I have been thinking about my taste in music. The fact that I can hear someone screaming something like “I am just a man, with a heart and sinful hands” and only think of how spiritually uplifting it is for me. It seems that most only hear screaming, and not the message behind it. Many people are guilty of this, maybe even you! I know that my parents have been guilty of it. When I first started getting into this type of music my mother would “yell” at me to “turn off that devil music!”. Even though the “devil music” I was listening to was praising the lord and telling others to investigate his love and grace.

This makes me wonder if Darling will take after her father in her taste in music? Will she be like I am and enjoy having a way to daily let out frustration, anger, sorrow, joy, or any emotion really. Or will she be less like me and more like her mother who isn’t really into music at all? The next thing it makes me curious about, is if her adoptive parents will be like mine and not care what the music says because of the delivery. Or will they be open minded and support her in whatever type of things she wants to be part of, as long as it doesn’t compromise here core ideals?

One of my best friends is like me. She loves loves loves hardcore and metal music. And not once has it ever caused her to change her beliefs about Jesus or God. She and I both love listening to someone who feels the same way as us about Satan and God. Satan=bad, God=good!

Let us think of a few different views about why one might not like the same musical stylings as myself. Some think “I don’t understand why you would go to a concert to yell and scream and be angry, where moshpits are present and you could potentially get injured.” For me, I don’t understand why people enjoy going to concerts where you don’t! Even more to the point, what about concerts where the fans do this, because they are “in love” with the band members. Yes I am talking about you Justin Bieber fan! Some might say “I can’t hear the message because the music is so angry.” My response? To each his own. You may lose the message while listening to angry music even if you know it is there because of the music itself. I personally have never really been moved by any hymn, I think this is because there is nothing really musically to back it up dynamically. (for me)

I am getting off subject. My point with this post here was to express a great amount of hope! One of the reasons birthparents place their children is because we want them to have things that we can’t provide, and we want them raised the same way we would if we were able. So I am hopeful that Darling’s adoptive parents can be supportive and always let her know that they love her and that the mother and I do as well.

And after going to my concert last night… I hope that they can also be prepared to have her come home from shows with out a voice waking up in the morning with her chest hurting so much she can hardly breathe! I am very much excited to meet them, and I hope that they are as excited to meet me.

Today’s song is very angry. Please feel free to not check it out, but also know that I love this band very VERY much. I saw them play last night. And though it hurts my chest to breathe, and my voice is gone, it was TOTALLY worth it!