Tuesday, March 29, 2011


And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore

            Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.

            I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.

            I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.

            I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.

            My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.

            So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.

            I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.


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  2. Ben, you are such an awesome guy. Don't think you are the only person who has ever felt like you didn't know what to do or say in an adoption relationship! You are absolutely right, navigating an open adoption can be SO awkward (for everyone). But it will get better. It will. Keep going!

  3. Relationships take work, but I have always felt like my daughters adoptive parents have been there for me more than anyone since before placement. Just be honest when you need more support, and I'm sure they would love to give it. After all you are giving them a great blessing, how could they not love you?

  4. "My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say."

    I am still wondering this...

    I always figure if people wonder this than they are the ones who will be respecting the boundaries that may or may not be specified. It is a really fine line that is super awkward and truly...no one really knows how to walk it, the open adoption relationship that is. So play it by ear and voice your concerns to the adoptive family. Darling's adoptive family should be blessed that you are wanting to be involved. You are a rare man :)

  5. Benjamin, I just don't know what to say. Your love for your daughter is so apparent, and your situation just leaves me feeling incredibly sad.

    I KNOW I can't know what's best for you, and that this is a decision only you can make, but I do hope you'll read from a variety of sources before making a permanent decision.

    The truth is that adoption, though sometimes best, does not leave adoptees or their oringal families unchanged. There are countless blogs addressing the pain relinquishing parents experience, as well as the pain adoptees feel. Even openness does not change the fact that the adoptee is raised in a family they were not born into, and even when necessary, there can be difficulty associated with that.

    Again, I can't and won't tell you what's best. I can only urge you to gather as much information as possible before making an irrevocable decision.


  6. I agree with Michelle. I know that you do not want to fight Darlings mother, but please continue to give this a lot of thought. I really hate to say this, but the depression is only going to get worse before it gets better. It will probably be six months to a year and a half after placement until you start to feel "normal" again. And that's IF the adoption goes well (praying it does!). Please don't hesitate to seek out counseling, or support from friends.
    I know it really sucks right now, but just know that no matter what, things will get better. It just takes some time.

  7. Adoption is an ongoing relationship. It's never just this it, this is all that's going to happen. You can plan to make plans but sometimes they're all shot after the baby is born and you have more of a reality of what things will be like.

    You'll have the anxiety before. The What If's. The Should've Been's. It's okay to have up and downs like in normal relationships. Don't fear that the family will push you away because you're being needy. They understand what it's like to want to have a child in your life. They understand the need to be the parent and to know about your future baby.

    That's what's great about open adoption is being able to have the ability to communicate. To have errors and make things right to make sure it doesn't happen again. Adoption isn't perfect like most relationships. They're real and they have the power to tear you to pieces if the wrong things are said. It's just your choice to make things right.

    I know the family you have chosen will be perfect for you and they will let your daughter know who you are and where to reach you. You haven't ever lost her. She'll always be right there.

    Just know that you can talk to me anytime. And maybe go get food again. This time, my choice. Haha!

  8. I <3 your blog and open, truthful, honest feelings laid out for.everyone. Keep praying, He knows your needs and struggles and will not leave you alone. I wish I could give you a hug. Your love for your Darling is so beautiful. Keep on keeping on. We are all praying for you and sending good vibes your way. With love, Rachel {matthewrachelstarch(dot)blogspot(dot)com}

  9. My advice...

    for me the more I got to know the birth family the more I wanted to have them around. It is hard to set lines of who's everyone's roll is for the baby.

    I loved when the birth family would talk to me as if the baby was already mine. I am sure that is hard for you guys but it made me more comfortable being around the family.

    Also set something up before hand on what you want to see happen in the relationship... be honest... even if it seams like a lot to ask.... you just gave them the best gift ever... you deserve to see the baby!

    Keep in contact just you not through the birth mom.

    Hmm what else...:) LOL