Saturday, March 19, 2011


And Here I Rest Where Disappointment And Regret Collide

            I hate you.
Simple words. How many times have I said or done something I wish I hadn’t? There are many cases through my life that I can think of, where that is the case. For a long time I have said that I don’t regret anything in my life. But facts are that I do. There are not a lot of things I regret. But the ones that are there, I do regret immensely. Let us discuss this.

            When I was a teenager I had MAJOR anger management issues. I was angry at the world and there wasn’t a thing anyone could do that would make me feel otherwise. I hated everyone and everything. My despise for life got so bad that I had to be sent to a treatment center in order to keep myself and others safe. Now while I can look back now and appreciate the things that my parents did for me, and I’m GLAD they got me the help I needed. It doesn’t change some of the things that happened.

Well I’ll tell you that while I don’t have anger issues to the same extent I once did, and that for the most part I’m able to keep them in check, I do still have them. I still get hot really fast. And I still have a very nasty habit of saying things that I wish I hadn’t. The reason I wish I didn’t say them, isn’t because of how it affects me, but because of how it can affect the person I said it too.

            When I went to this treatment center, we would have family therapy sessions, AKA Benjamin is going to make you feel horrible time. Keep in mind that I was a VERY sick boy at this point. But we would go to these meetings and I would say the most vile, horrible, hurtful things I could think of to my parents and family. I would tell my sisters of how they never cared about me and that they wouldn’t have ever noticed if I wasn’t even there.

            I said many things to my parents. And most of my rage was directed at them. While I am not going to go into detail about the things that I actually said to them, I will say that they were over the line. I said things to try and make them feel worthless, things that I hoped would make them feel as useless and unwanted as I had felt. I said things to them that a parent should never hear from their child. Things that I hope Darling never says to either of her birthparents or adoptive parents. I hope that if a time like that ever comes, I can be as strong as my mother was, and remember what she said to me.

            After spending a good ten to fifteen minutes yelling at my mother telling her how much I hated her and that I wished she would die. The only thing she did was look at me and say, “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”. There are a lot of things from that time in my life that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I spent the allowance I was given while I was in the center. I don’t remember most of the things we talked about during group session with the other boys. Shoot I don’t remember most of the things said during my private sessions. But I do remember that.

            Try and tell me that when someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t at least somewhat take it in. Can you remember a time when you felt like you were doing the best you could and someone told you that you could do far better? Like everything you did was not good enough; and it just made you hate ever even trying at all? I know that I can. I also know that I can remember being the person saying that to someone. Being the one that causes those times of self doubt and worthlessness.

            And then there are other times that make up for everything. There are times when you are just so frustrated and ready to quit and you will look at your husband or wife or parents or whoever, and they don’t say a word. They just give you that look. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that says it all without a single word. The one that tells you that they still love you, and they know how you feel. The one that says everything you need, even if you don’t want to hear it. That look that says “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”.

            I love you enough to let you hate me for a while. Simple words that say true love, and forgiveness. When you are feeling down and regretful about things you have said to others, I hope you can remember them saying this sort of thing to you. And I hope it helps you to then be able to forgive yourself also. We all make mistakes, some more severe than others, but we all have the ability to forgive ourselves. And when you can do that, you can do anything.

I hope not to offend anyone by this, but I feel like I should say it anyway. I want you to know what gets me through. These are words that were spoken by Mr. Stephen Keech of Haste The Day. Every time I hear them it helps me know that I can do anything.

 “There is hope in this broken world. Through all of the hatred in this world, there is a love. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in your life, you are loved! And you are the most beautiful thing ever. Because Jesus Christ came to this earth, and he died for us. He died for you. It doesn’t matter what you believe, Jesus Christ still died for you, and he still loves you more than anything else.”

                        I had a really hard time finding any songs with regret as the main theme that I liked, but thanks to some new friends, this is what I decided on.


  1. Ah, Death Cab for Cutie! Love this one. And I love this post. Thank goodness we can all change and grow!

  2. Great quote! And I second Mary, Death Cab for Cutie... I love you. :)

  3. Dear Ben, I will ALWAYS love you enough to let you hate me for a while.

  4. I will always and forever love you enough to let you hate ne for however long you need to.