Sunday, March 13, 2011


And I Will Hang My Head, Hang My Head Low

I have been told that I am a persuasive person. I have had jobs in the past working solely on my ability to sell products/services/myself. And I am good at it. I also happen to be VERY opinionated. So those two things tend to combine a lot and I end up getting people to see “my side” of things. It isn’t my intention to make others agree with me, but to make sure that my view was seen the way I perceived it.

I have felt the need to brighten the picture I have made for you all to see, of Darling’s mother. I have somewhat thrown myself a pity party for you all to commiserate in. So at this point I need you all to know what a truly great person Darling’s mother is. She loves her daughter as much as I do. And is as selfless if not more so than I am in this whole journey. She is sweeter than chocolate covered sugar cubes, and as nice as can be. And after having the opportunity to speak with her briefly today, I know now that her view on everything is severely different than mine. And I learned that I WAS IN FACT controlling her, even though I never meant to.

Looking back on old posts and discussions I have had with people I can hardly stand myself. I look at me stating how I feel about her actions and not really trying at all to defend them for her. I look at this and just think to myself “get real man!”. Take responsibility for the things you did. For the fact that you knew she had confidence issues and subjected her to constant questioning of her decisions. For saying things you didn’t mean only because you weren’t getting the communication you desired. Get real and understand that not everyone is like you and can say what they mean right off the bat. And that not everyone goes running at their decisions without looking back. Get accountable for your actions you selfish impatient jerk. (Yes I am talking to myself.)

Why was I so upset with the case workers at the agency? Because I felt like they didn’t really try to get me involved. As it so happens there is a reason for that. When a mother comes to that agency, they become a client. And because of the laws in our state they cannot make any contact with me or any other birth farther unless the birth mother signs a disclosure agreement stating that they can. This is why it took them so long to get me involved to the point that I am. And I should be grateful that Darling’s mother has been able to put aside the fact that we have our differences, to let me be a part of Darling’s life. And after learning these things, I am.

Why was I upset with Darling’s mother? Because she wouldn’t communicate her views with me on demand. I couldn’t understand that she felt like I was trying to control her. And in fact I don’t think that is it at all. I don’t think she feels like I was trying to control her, but that I was nonetheless. In an attempt to understand her better I questioned her thoughts which caused her to do the same. And when you start second guessing yourself you search for other possible answers. I am sure that my persuasiveness did not help her at all, and caused her even more unease as this happened. It only makes sense then that she wants/wanted nothing to do with me in order to be able to keep her thoughts her own.

So here are my thanks. Thank you to all the case workers involved for seeing how distraught I was through this, and then feeling it important that I also be able to grieve. Thank you for at least hearing my voice on what I wanted from adoptive parents. Thank you for reading my blog (yes I’m talking about you Kari) so you can have even more insight into my feelings and thoughts, even though you didn’t need to. Thank you to my case worker for putting me in my place when I over-reacted to things.

Thank you to Darling’s mother for being more mature than I knew or could recognize. Thank you for being strong enough to push me away. Thank you for finally letting me know why you feel the way you do. And thank you for letting me be a part of my daughter’s life.

Now here are my apologies. I’m sorry to the caseworkers for pushing and pushing you the ways I did. Had I known what your limitations are I don’t think I would have been this way. It is my own fault for never really asking what you CAN do for me. I apologize to my case worker for being rude to you over the phone when I did. I’m sorry to her case worker for being so abrupt and brash in some of the emails I have sent.

I’m sorry to you Darling’s mother for never making you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind. For never letting you state your opinion without also interjecting my own. For not letting you take charge when you needed to be able to. I am most sorry for the things I said to you in anger. I want you to know at this point that they never should have been said. And I hope that you can know that while I know text is flat, that I am sincere in these things I say.

To all of you mentioned above. I hope that you can forgive me for my actions. I hope that you can understand I struggle. And that as this process has continued, the things you all have done have been able to help me in more ways than just regarding the adoption of Darling.

Now as I sit here thinking of all these things, feeling lower than low. I need to be able to remind myself that I must also forgive myself. I can’t expect anyone to forgive my transgressions if I can’t even do this on my own. And that will definitely take some time. And to you my readers, I hope that you don’t feel lied to. I hope you can understand that these revelations come over time, and sometimes take a while to surface into my consciousness.
This song really visualizes the guilt I am feeling.


  1. Just found your blog. You have an amazing way with words.


  2. I have so much I want to say, but I know this is not the place. And no, I've never felt lied to you by you. In fact, those who know you well (close acquaintance) would know that you have always tried to be fair to both sides even when you couldn't see the other side. I admire you for being true to your feelings and trying to mend the things that are broken.

  3. I just found your blog. I hope you continue to blog about your experience. We need to hear more voices from men regarding adoption and just life in general.

  4. You have just experienced something that those twice your age never do. Any you are a better man for it.

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  6. so mature. I'm so glad i read this post after the IRE series! YOU have grown. My husband is an adopted man and is also really good at being persuasive- luckily we balance each other out b/c we are both loud! I'm so glad you get to be involved:) You will be fantastic!

  7. Reading through your blog, and this post in particular, I feel an overwhelming sense of love for you. I'm sorry if that sounds creepy. But you are more amazing then you know. To be able to admit where you were wrong, apologize, and thank those who helped you see various perspectives. You're an amazing man.

    I have such a soft place in my heart for birth fathers. Our daughter's birth father is a major part of our lives and we love him so, so much. I am praying so hard that you will be able to have the involvement you desire with your daughter and her adoptive family <3

  8. I love this post... I can not imagine what you are going through and all of the emotions that must be rushing through you BUT you take the time to sit back and make everything real. You are amazing and you sweet darling will be blessed because of it.