SUFFER A THOUGHT

The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.

I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.

REGRET

And Here I Rest Where Disappointment And Regret Collide

            I hate you.

Simple words. How many times have I said or done something I wish I hadn’t? There are many cases through my life that I can think of, where that is the case. For a long time I have said that I don’t regret anything in my life. But facts are that I do. There are not a lot of things I regret. But the ones that are there, I do regret immensely. Let us discuss this.

            When I was a teenager I had MAJOR anger management issues. I was angry at the world and there wasn’t a thing anyone could do that would make me feel otherwise. I hated everyone and everything. My despise for life got so bad that I had to be sent to a treatment center in order to keep myself and others safe. Now while I can look back now and appreciate the things that my parents did for me, and I’m GLAD they got me the help I needed. It doesn’t change some of the things that happened.

Well I’ll tell you that while I don’t have anger issues to the same extent I once did, and that for the most part I’m able to keep them in check, I do still have them. I still get hot really fast. And I still have a very nasty habit of saying things that I wish I hadn’t. The reason I wish I didn’t say them, isn’t because of how it affects me, but because of how it can affect the person I said it too.

            When I went to this treatment center, we would have family therapy sessions, AKA Benjamin is going to make you feel horrible time. Keep in mind that I was a VERY sick boy at this point. But we would go to these meetings and I would say the most vile, horrible, hurtful things I could think of to my parents and family. I would tell my sisters of how they never cared about me and that they wouldn’t have ever noticed if I wasn’t even there.

            I said many things to my parents. And most of my rage was directed at them. While I am not going to go into detail about the things that I actually said to them, I will say that they were over the line. I said things to try and make them feel worthless, things that I hoped would make them feel as useless and unwanted as I had felt. I said things to them that a parent should never hear from their child. Things that I hope Darling never says to either of her birthparents or adoptive parents. I hope that if a time like that ever comes, I can be as strong as my mother was, and remember what she said to me.

            After spending a good ten to fifteen minutes yelling at my mother telling her how much I hated her and that I wished she would die. The only thing she did was look at me and say, “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”. There are a lot of things from that time in my life that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I spent the allowance I was given while I was in the center. I don’t remember most of the things we talked about during group session with the other boys. Shoot I don’t remember most of the things said during my private sessions. But I do remember that.

            Try and tell me that when someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t at least somewhat take it in. Can you remember a time when you felt like you were doing the best you could and someone told you that you could do far better? Like everything you did was not good enough; and it just made you hate ever even trying at all? I know that I can. I also know that I can remember being the person saying that to someone. Being the one that causes those times of self doubt and worthlessness.

            And then there are other times that make up for everything. There are times when you are just so frustrated and ready to quit and you will look at your husband or wife or parents or whoever, and they don’t say a word. They just give you that look. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that says it all without a single word. The one that tells you that they still love you, and they know how you feel. The one that says everything you need, even if you don’t want to hear it. That look that says “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”.

            I love you enough to let you hate me for a while. Simple words that say true love, and forgiveness. When you are feeling down and regretful about things you have said to others, I hope you can remember them saying this sort of thing to you. And I hope it helps you to then be able to forgive yourself also. We all make mistakes, some more severe than others, but we all have the ability to forgive ourselves. And when you can do that, you can do anything.

I hope not to offend anyone by this, but I feel like I should say it anyway. I want you to know what gets me through. These are words that were spoken by Mr. Stephen Keech of Haste The Day. Every time I hear them it helps me know that I can do anything.

 “There is hope in this broken world. Through all of the hatred in this world, there is a love. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in your life, you are loved! And you are the most beautiful thing ever. Because Jesus Christ came to this earth, and he died for us. He died for you. It doesn’t matter what you believe, Jesus Christ still died for you, and he still loves you more than anything else.”

                        I had a really hard time finding any songs with regret as the main theme that I liked, but thanks to some new friends, this is what I decided on.