WOE Pt. II

So I’ll Shake Responsibility,

 And Say A Hard Life Did This To Me.

            Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.

            I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.

            It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.

            The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that Liberty Park doesn’t want to remind me of Darling’s mother and the times we spent together there. (as if a park has intentions)

            Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.

            There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.

SUFFER A THOUGHT

The Wolf Provides For His Own, But God Provides For The Lion.

I Am The Lion, You Are The Wolf.

            Oh what a couple of days I have had! I’m going to tell you about it a bit to help ease our way into what I really want to discuss today. Well let’s see… One of my good friends got some great news that I’m not at liberty to discuss in detail with you at this time but I am very happy for her! I went skating last Saturday with Darling’s soon to be older brothers and THAT was a blast! Oh, one last thing before I forget… I got the job I wanted! I’m really excited to start on Monday! I’ll be working at a treatment center for youth with psychological problems. That’s all I can tell you per the non-disclosure agreement I signed.

            So I have a funny story for you. Earlier today I was riding my skateboard to the plasma center I donate at and was passing by a public park. There was this pretty stinking cute girl close to my age on the sidewalk ahead of me so I obviously puffed up my chest a little more and tried my hardest to look cool. The girl stepped onto the grass for a moment to let me past, I smiled, and continued, my skateboard got stuck on a crack or pebble or something and I flew onto my side scraping my arm and bruising my hip. Brilliant, smooth as can be. I sort of laid there on the ground for a minute with my headphones still blaring in my ears, unable to hear what the girl was saying to me. I just mumbled to myself something like “this is where you belong” then got up thanked the girl for getting my skateboard for me and then continued on my way.

            Not gonna lie I’m pretty mad at myself for not talking to her at that point. I mean I already fell on my face while trying to look cool, what on earth do I have left to lose right? *Sighs* Well cute girl, ladytype, woman, honeybabydollsweeetie…… if you happen to be one of my readers and are seeing this now, my name is Benjamin and my email is at the top of the page. Now the ball is in her court, right? Alright now on to the more serious stuff.

            For those of you readers who are faint of heart, Do Not Read On. Stop here and end your reading for the day on the happy note.

            So remember a little while back when I said I was all depressed and such? I mentioned that I was thinking about backing out of the whole adoption realm and just trying to live like it never was. Well I did post about it, and that helped a lot in the sense that it made me starting analyzing these thoughts more as they enter my head. Unfortunately it didn’t stop me from having them. And the depression I was having didn’t get any easier to handle and more and more I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t. Thoughts about leaving ( I hope I don’t have to spell this out for you, we all know what clinical depression can lead to). And I had been praying and praying to not feel the way I did but the answer just wasn’t coming. I had been told by my new employer that I would know if I had the job by Tuesday, and that’s kind of when all these thoughts climaxed.

            It was almost five in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything about the job, so I was pretty certain at that point that I didn’t get the job. I had been angry all day from things I had learned the day before and even more than being angry, I was sad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just done. With everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. So I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter. I wrote this letter to Darling’s mother. It contained all the spiteful, vindictive, malicious things I have wanted to say to her but I don’t. It had all the things in it that I feel she should have thought of before she decided to make the decisions that she has. I wrote this letter and I was just stewing in these negative emotions. I knew that people have been telling me since I was little that Jesus and God love me and care, but at that point I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see any blessings. I had been asking God to make me not feel so angry all the time. But I still was, which lead to the severely depressed state that I was in. So I finished the letter, and I decided I would make yet another attempt to ask God for help. So I said a prayer, and laid down for a nap. I told God that if he truly loved me like everyone kept telling me, that when I got up I wouldn’t feel the same way I did when I laid down.

            God is a sneaky sneaky man. I woke up from that nap to a phone call. The call was to inform me I had secured a position with the company I had applied at. I knew that he was doing what I had asked. I just didn’t want to let go of my emotions. I honestly think that is the hardest thing in this adoption journey; knowing when to let something go, whether it’s an emotion, or thought, or even a baby. It’s hard for me to know where do draw that line. Not for the sake of others involved, but just trying to figure out what is best for me in all this, while keeping Darling’s best interests as first priority.

            I think it goes without saying at this point that my situation with Darling’s adoption is not the norm. And it is hard to find the lines and boundaries to define my role in all of this. It’s hard to try and figure out what it is that I’m supposed to do for Darling’s mother. I think it’s even harder for me to accept that maybe what I’m supposed to do is nothing at all. That is what makes me most uncomfortable of all right now to be honest.

All I have to say about the song for this one is that A: It fits the thought process nearly perfectly. And B: It is very screamytastic. So for those of you with weak stomach’s, please do not listen.

UNITY

And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore

            Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.

            I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.

            I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.

            I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.

            My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.

            So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.

            I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

WOE

I’m In A Field Of Land Mines

For each of us life a different journey. We go through many experiences that shape us as people. We experience happiness, and joys that we may have never known before. And at times we seem to be surrounded by despair, and depression sets into our everyday thinking. We forget many times what we live for, or why we keep going. Usually this is for brief periods.

Recently I have noticed a trend happening with my fellow adoption supporters. I have noticed that we have been embracing the “Woe is me” thought process. I do not mean to say that it is not acceptable for us to feel alone from time to time. Or that our emotions are not justified or real. But I do mean to say that we need to remember what it is that we are striving for.

Birthparents:

I have noticed that the majority of the time when I am thinking of things involved in my own adoption. I tend to think of the extreme variables. What happens after Darling is placed with the family? Will I be able to visit? Will the family still want the mother and me to be involved? Will they prefer us to only be informed of Darling’s growth? I think of these many thoughts and I notice that it has been keeping me up at night. I can only imagine that for Darling’s mother and other birthmothers that it is at least twice as hard to deal with. They have to deal with these thoughts, on top of all the side effects the pregnancy are taking on them. It is then easy to feel like no one can relate. That no one understands.

Hopeful Adoptive Parents:

While birthmothers and birthfathers have a lot on their plate to think about and deal with; I feel like the Hopeful Adoptive Parents take the brunt of the worry and therefore tend to be the most susceptible to “Woe is me”. The reason I feel this way is because they don’t have just one child to think of. They have the potential to think of MANY children to think of. To think of what is best for this child being presented to them (when that happens). Most of the time when I think of the adoption of a child; I think about it from the birthparent’s point of view (big surprise). I think of the fact that I have the ability to say “I love this family, but I don’t think they are right for my child”. It seems so nonchalant and almost easy for me to just make the judgment and then move on. If you really think about it, it only makes sense for me and other birthparents to have this thought process. The numbers in the adoption field are very much so in our favor. There are far fewer birthparents than there are Hopeful Adoptive Parents.

The Hopeful Adoptive Parents have far less opportunity for selection because of this. That means, when an Adoptive Family is selected to be considered for placement they REALLY have to examine what is best for the child. For those of us who are not, take a moment to think about that statement; a person who wants more than anything else to have a new addition to their love circle, to their family. Must then examine if they can do that with any child that is put before them. For birthparents it is so much easier. We have so much of a larger selection to choose from. Hopeful Adoptive Parents do not! Hopeful Adoptive Parents could go YEARS without being selected. The want for a child can become nearly overwhelming for them. And when presented with the opportunity it can become very difficult for them to remember that they must do what is best for the child in the same way that a birthparent must. Even if that means acknowledging that they are not right for the child.

http://www.andysclan.com/2011/02/unprepared.html

Now that we can see that it happens to each of us in different ways. Let us remember that simple fact. We all go through it. And we all have to work through it in whatever way it is that helps us. This can be through prayer, it can be by writing out thoughts, it can be through the comfort found in music that embraces the emotion being felt, or by connecting with others in the same or different sides of the adoption triad. I am guilty of using all of these coping mechanisms. And I’m sure there are others that may apply to others that I am not even aware of. We just need to remember that it is not only something we all go through. But it is something we need to experience, and the best way is one day at a time.

This is a website that has helped me to be able to handle the whole thing.

http://adoptionvoices.com/

Now before I finish I just want to say that one of the things that honestly helps me the most, is the knowledge of all the love that my Darling will receive. I almost feel as though Darling will have a bit of an advantage in that aspect. She will have the knowledge that not only do her Adoptive Parents love her. But that her Birthparents love her as well. I hope that my Darling will always be able to feel that she is loved and wanted by many people. That given the chance many MANY Hopeful Adoptive Parents would welcome her into their lives and families with arms open.

Today’s song is by non other than my all time favorite band. I apologize for anyone that may find it irritating that I will be using them as often as I know I will, but they just get me haha.