THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

CANDOR

Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

PERSPECTIVE

This Problem Is Gonna Last More Than The Weekend.

The other day I was chatting with one of my inner circle members (SUG) about wanting to do a follow up post for SELFISHNESS. I wanted to do one that was basically the exact opposite in order to give women a guide for what to look for in men, and a guide for what men should be. I wanted to use good examples. I knew that I was going to be traveling to my grandparents home town and I could think of no greater gentleman than my grandfather. I had intended on using him as a sort of base for what we should be. I had intended on asking him questions about what men were like when he was my age (60 years ago) and what he thought was the biggest difference now. Well unfortunately my grandfather isn't as sharp as he once was. But very fortunately I was given something even better. I was given a new perspective.

I had not told my grandparents on my father's side about the adoption. Not because I didn't want them knowing, but because I figured that since my father spoke to them on a weekly basis he would do it for me. Well about a week ago my mother called me and asked if I would help her at a jewelry show in my grandparents home town. I said yes. She offered to get me a place to stay with some of my other relatives, and while I have nothing against them as people, I would prefer not to be around some of them while they make the choices they make. Kind of the mentality of if you don't put yourself into harms way you can't be harmed.

I just told my mother I would see if I could stay with my grandparents. I had wanted to talk to them anyway per I had recently read my grandfather's biography. I called my father to ask for their number, and while I was on the phone I thought I would ask if they knew of my situation. He informed me that more likely than not, they were unaware of the things happening. Well I called to ask them permission to stay with them anyway and was granted it.

Now the problem was to figure out when I wanted to tell them. I had thought that it might be best to wait untill the end of the trip to inform them, that way I wouldn't have to really worry about any potentially nasty or snide remarks. But I was concerned that I would not be able to keep such a big part of my life secret from them. What I basically decided was, if it comes up, it comes up.

Well I arrived at their house friday night and had a lovely meal. We had eaten a nice soup, and then I set my things in the guest room. I went to the computer and helped my grandmother with the seemingly impossible project of uploading pictures onto facebook. Yes my grandmother has a facebook, and yes I am her friend. Well After that was done I decided to check my email and see how my blog stats were doing. I logged into my email acount and had SEVEN emails telling me of ladies from adoptionvoices.com leaving comments on my page. I knew that they were all regarding the newest news about Darling's mother getting the knowledge of the right family.

Well grandma was sitting in the room and started asking me about the blog. She asked why do people blog? I explained that you can blog about lots of different things. It can be a way for family to stay in contact with eachother, without needing to make a phone call or visit. And seeing as some families work on different time schedules, that can be very beneficial. I also said that you can blog about a certain subject such as cars, music, art, etc. etc. Well grandma asked that one question I had somewhat been dreading. What is your blog about Benjamin? I didn't bother trying to not get around to answering. I mean she needed to know anyway so I showed it to her. I told her the whole story behind it (short winded version) and just showed her the blog.

I was mostly expecting my grandmother to disown me. I kind of had imagined that she would throw me out of the house and tell me to call my mother and find a different place to stay. Well first of all I will say that I truly don't know her well enough. I feel like I have been missing out on such a truly amazing part of my life for entirely too long. And secondly, she did not throw me out into the cold. I must explain before moving forward that I haven't known my father's side of the family hardly at all.

Well that was pretty much it about the adoption for that night. We went to bed after I sort of explained blogging a little more, and that was it. Well I early to go for a run, and did my best to make sure to be nice and quiet, becuase I didn't want to wake them. Well much to my surprise, when I went to go outside I saw my grandmother in the office playing on the computer. She turned and said, I couldn't find your blog! I said well let me just bring it up for you. I got a window with it open for her and then went for my run. Grandma didn't say anything really when I got back, and then we just got ready for the day.

Well at the end of the day upon returning home to have dinner. We started discussing things (that are specifically outlined in the post SELFISHNESS). I asked if she had read that post, and she said she read all of them. That she thought I had done a very good job at writing them. Well I had been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post today, and at that point decided I should. I had just had too many conversations with her about what I was looking for in the view of someone who grew up when men were still gentlemen. And even though it wasn't the source I was originally seeking, it turned out to be just as good, if not better.

Well as it seems all of my more emotional posts go, I got about three paragraphs in and had the water works start. I usually try and avoid this by going for a walk or something, so that is what I did. I went for a walk and just told grandma not to wait up for me, because I wasn't sure how long I would be. When I came back I took my time getting back to the post. I walked back into the office, and sitting there on the keyboard was an article she had laid out for me to read. It told me about how it can be very hard to stay strong in your faith. It said to not be discouraged, and that life may seem difficult now, but I must stay in my beliefs. The part that was truly the most uplifting for me was the note she wrote for me. She told me that she knew I could do this, (I assume she means about the adoption too) and that she loves and has faith in me. This is the first time I had heard this from anyone on my father's side of the family. And for me it was just what I needed.

So this post I am dedicating to my grandmother Janis, I love you very much.

Something that she told me these past few days about Heavenly Father is that he does take his time answering you. Because he knows what you need. This song depicts that very well.