TORTURED

His Blood Will Boil And The Kids Will Sing, Learn To Drown Before You Learn To Swim

            Installment number three of the lyrical poems. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment/post/whatever with this.

It’s all just as well, everything’s just the same.

The sun will still set, there’s no one to blame.

So I’ll look to the skies.

And try to win that great prize.

But I have no hope to do so without the ladder to reach.

I stand gazing over my forest as my interest starts to wane.

If I were to sell the trees for money how much wealth would I gain?

I could then possess the thing I think will bring happiness and fame.

But will the beauty compare? Could it ever feel the same?

So what now?

Should I run with the wolves?

Or should I tear down their home?

Is it better to fight and then lose?

Or better to lose fighting?

Will it be easier to live with everything?

Or to live with myself without them?

            There you go. Enjoy (I hope) And now for the music. A great song. I know I use these guys a lot. But they are my favorite band, and they are really good with words and capturing emotion. I hope you like the song.

UNITY

And I’m Afraid And Everyone’s Afraid And Everyone Knows It, But We Don’t Have To Be Afraid Anymore

            Been feeling kind of “Meh” recently? I have too. Just feeling like it’s time for a change. Ready for winter to be done with and spring to be here, so you can have that sunshine on your face again. Feel the warmth while you play outside again.

            I’m depressed. I have been for a while. I’m not trying to solicit your sympathy. I’m just saying what I’m going through. In all honesty I just feel like giving up. I just don’t know why I keep trying to be supportive. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last thought on everyone’s mind and feeling like I’m being walked on. I’m sick of feeling like I’ve lost my child before I got to know her.

            I’m envious of all the birthmothers out there who get to feel their baby kick in their stomach, and see them in a sonogram. I’m jealous of all the adoptive parents who get to have that shared with them by their birthmother. And while I know I’m not the only birthfather out there. I’m just tired of feeling like I am. I’m tired of feeling alone. Like no one can relate to me. And more specifically, like I have nowhere to turn for help.

            I have found amazing friends through adoption. Some who are closer than others. Some who I feel like I can call when I need to talk. But most not at all. I’ll own up and say that it is probably my own fault for that. I haven’t really been talking to any of them over the last few weeks. I should probably reach out to them more and try to regain that connection, but it’s just hard when you are depressed. I don’t want to bring them down, and it is hard to do that when you are already feeling apathetic.

            My biggest fear right now is that I will end up being needy toward Darling’s adoptive family and end up pushing them away. That I’ll alienate them and push them too far for comfort. I’ve never done this before, and I don’t really know where the lines are. What things I can and can’t say. I’m sure the adoptive parents are in the same boat. Not knowing how to respond to everything.

            So maybe what will be best for now is to just wait for a while. I’ll just try and work on myself, and then I’ll reach out again. For now I’ll just try talking to God and hope that will bring some sort of peace. And I hope that he won’t take too long to respond. There are amazing and wonderful groups of people out there who can help each other in the adoption realm. Maybe I’ll reach out to them. And maybe not, I just don’t know right now. I don’t know if I can try reaching for help and not finding the hand to pull me up, again.

            I’m sure that I will get there though. And I know that the people are there. I hope that I can find this unity I’m looking for sooner rather than later. So today’s song is about being united. About not being alone. There is a line in it that I feel really can help adoptive parents. It says “We were once lonely wheat, quietly ground into grain. Oh, what light and momentary pain”. I feel like that says while the wait is hard, the outcome will be so very sweet, and you will have that sense of together you long for. I will pray that I find that soon.

GROWTH

They Used To Be Just Like Me And You,

They Used To Be Sweet Little Boys.

            Let me show you some pictures…

            This picture is my little brother, Kitch (short for Christian). Now let me tell a little about a thought that has gone through my head recently.

            Today I met Mama-J and Papa-J's boys for the first time. Impressions? Cute kids, smaller than I had envisioned in my head, and I think that is due to the fact that the only pictures I have seen of them is with their parents, and I forgot how much shorter than me they are haha. JC was a lot quieter than I figured he would be, but a lot of fun anyway! JB was more outgoing than I thought he would be! He was easy to talk to, and that was really nice.

            Now you ask “Benjamin, why are you talking about these two boys? And what’s the deal with the picture of your brother?”. Let me tell you. Last week my little brother broke his wrist at the skate park. The exact same wrist, in almost the exact same spot, on almost the same obstacle that I did when I broke my arm last 8 years ago. It made me think of all the times I used to worry about him.

            My first job was at a daycare center. I worked there in the summer, for two years in a row. I was a teacher for grade school aged kids. So basically all the kids from 6-12 years old. It was also about this same time that my father was having trouble finding work in state and was doing a lot of traveling. He would be gone anywhere from 4-6 weeks at a time. And not to sound as though I ran the show, but when he was gone, a lot of the fatherly responsibilities fell on me. Mostly simple stuff like spending time with my little brother and sister, or just helping with things like dinner, and making sure the kids didn’t rip one another’s heads off. (We still have to do that.)

            Because I was sort of responsible for my little brother’s well being, I really developed a fatherly instinct toward him (nowhere near what the actual thing is like I’m sure). He would go with me to work at the daycare so that the two of them (Kitch, Kayla) wouldn’t be around each other all the time, and it also kept Kitch out of trouble. I used to have nightmares about people trying to hurt him, or kidnap him. And honestly for a long time that was my biggest fear. I mean I have a pretty strong connection with the kid; after all I have saved his skin TWICE! So it really would freak me out when he wouldn’t come home from a friends house when he said he would, or we just couldn’t find him at all.

            Well the other day when Kitch called me and said “dude guess what!?” and told me he had just broken his arm. I didn’t freak out at all, I just asked if he had called my mother and if anyone at the skate park had a pillow he could rest his arm on. I used to freak out whenever I saw him bleed; it would completely make my stomach start turning. I would feel nauseated, and most times I would have to move a little slower in order to take care of things. Funny thing is when I worked at the daycare and the other kids would get hurt, that didn’t happen at all. I would just grab them up rush them inside or upstairs to the medical supplies and patch them up quick as a flash and then wipe the tears and back to the grade schooler’s room we go. With Kitch and Kayla, it was never like that though. It would happen the same way, but I would feel nervous the whole time. Almost like it were life and death. So what happened the other day that made it so I didn’t have my stomach in knots?

            Kitch grew up. He was only 9 years old when I had my job at that daycare. He is 15 now, and by the end of the year will be driving! (Watch out Utah, Kitch is coming) He isn’t the same little kid he used to be. He is in high school now and has weird friends and speaks a weird language (teenager) and makes his own decisions. It seriously blows my mind how much that kid has grown up. Over the last few months he has even finally started to learn the lesson we kept trying to teach him about doing his homework.

            Alright now back to those other two boys. Today we went to the aquarium to look at fish and such with The J-Family, and myself. It was our play date for me to meet them. We were having a really good time looking at all the little fish and such when something happened. JB went missing. We were all by the pool of stingrays, and were petting them and such, and just about at the same time Papa-J (who was standing next to me with JC) and I looked up and couldn’t find JB who had been next to Mama-J on the other side of the pool (tank?).

            Here is where the strange thing happened. I immediately started looking for him, (Mama-J did the same) which isn’t so strange, but that feeling was in my stomach. That feeling like if I don’t get this taken care of someone could be seriously hurt. It didn’t help that it took us 5 or so minutes to locate him (he was behind us looking at sea urchins). So what does this mean? Do I have some sort of unhealthy attachment after only spending a few hours with those boys? Did it only happen because he kind of looks like my little brother did at that age? Or is it just because Mama-J and Papa-J are awesome loving people who make you feel welcomed and wanted at every turn? Hint: I think it’s the last reason. I hope that doesn’t make them feel strange. Because honestly it shouldn’t, it’s not different than when I get that feeling about because niece or my cousins daughters.

            Well here is the main point for this post. I thought about it a bit and here it goes. I miss my little brother. I miss living with him, and I miss playing with him. I miss him not being so independent. I miss him being small enough that he could jump into my arms when I came to visit. And I even miss how much he got on my nerves! I miss him when he was like this.

            It’s funny; I have spent my whole life up to this point thinking of him as my little buddy. Thinking of him playing Pokemon and taking chocolate bars from the cupboard. Always just thinking of him as being little. And then somehow he grew up. He started liking girls, and developing his own taste in music. He even has his own opinions about cars (which are mostly wrong. SCREW TUNERS! GERMAN CARS FTW!!!!!). Well Kitch I want you to know I still love you buddy, and I’m really proud of you. I’m really proud of a lot of the decisions you have made, and more specifically for the ones you haven’t made. Now keep making me proud to say I’m your BIG BROTHER!

            Today’s song I have been told is creepy, but I think it’s cute. You know like the horror stories your parents tell you when you are little to get you to behave or do your chores or brush your teeth or whatever. It’s that kind of song. And I had wanted to share it with Mama-J and Papa-J, so here you go!

WALK ON

We Cannot Delete It, Just Because Of The Trend Tossed About

By The Waves Of The Sea.

            Two things.

First thing: I’m doing this again because I didn’t get anything but good response from the last one of it’s kind.

Second thing: I have been running out of new ideas, so I’m just going to do one of these every Thursday in order to help my other posts be less….. crappy.

            So, without any further hindrance, here is this weeks lyrical poem.

Walk On.

This testament will not die,

For it is not a wavering text.

Read it, and you shall know,

The truths of all of us.

The power you’ll receive,

It will help you in your times,

Times of despair and torture.

WALK ON MY CHILD.

For you are not meant for that path,

That path of failure you see.

Walk on and see.

Things are not always as they seem.

I say.

Walk on my child.

WALK ON!

            Wrote this one two years ago, and it’s still one of my favorites. The message in it is pretty clear, So I don’t really feel any need to elaborate. Know what would be awesome though? If you blew up my comment feed. So, until Saturday, goodbye and stay strong!

            Oh yeah, watch out for the song today, it bites!

CANDOR

Even In My Greatest Moment, Doubt

            Recently I have discovered somewhat of a contradiction in my beliefs system. It goes basically like this. The first and foremost belief is that I will support anyone’s freedom to choose. Whether they choose to eat a taco for lunch, choose to drink, do drugs, to be gay, or to place their child for adoption. I always support your freedom to make that decision for yourself. That does not mean I support your decision.

            This is where the contradiction gets me in trouble (mainly with myself). Since I have made this decision to support Darling’s mother in her choice to place, and then make the decision for myself too that it is the correct one; I have developed a strong belief that it is the ONLY correct decision for anyone who would otherwise be raising the child on their own.

            I thought about writing several paragraphs about why I feel the way I do. About how the decision to do so is only one that can be made by those with massive amounts of (insert sentimental adjective here). But that’s not really the point here so I’m just going to skip it. Because we are all different and that IS the point I’m trying to make.

            Over the last few weeks I have encountered three (count em’ THREE) friends of mine who were basically in the same boat as me about having children, only difference being that they are all female. All three not being married to the other birthparent, and all three not really having the means to provide the type of life for the child that an adoptive family could. That is not to say that the child would not be cared for, or that it wouldn’t have a good life at all. But just that based on what I know of adoptive families, what these birthmothers can give just doesn’t come close.

            While talking with the first two (not at the same time, or even the same week), I noticed myself trying to just ask simple questions. Examples: Have you thought about adoption? Have you pursued it at all? How are you going to provide for things like insurance and schooling costs? Will the father be able to be involved in their life even though they aren’t now? Things like that.

            The first friend I spoke with I noticed a lot that I was trying my hardest to steer her to reconsider placing. I tried to help her know the great amounts of joy, happiness, and love involved through the whole thing. I wanted her to be able to feel what I have. I found it very difficult to not push my own opinion on her. A lot of that I think has to do with the fact that we are both members of the same faith, and would therefore be using the same agency. For me it was so frustrating to think how she could think anything other than adoption was the right choice.

            The second friend the story was not quite the same. While she was basically in the same boat as the first (only not nearly as far along), she was a very different person. This friend is actually an ex I dated two years ago. While she and I have both faulted in our faith a lot, she is not in the same place that I am. I chose to get serious about being faithful, and she has more or less gone the opposite direction. I found it a little easier to talk to her about her decision to keep her child. Reasons being that she was more capable to care for a child than the first friend, and also because I knew that our personal beliefs were severely different. However I still noticed that I kept trying to steer her also toward adoption. However, I knew that I couldn’t change her mind, and only said that I would pray for her and her child.

            And now for the third friend. This friend is not one that I ever really knew very well. She was more just someone I was interested in for a while that I used to party with back in my “wild” days. I actually have only come back into contact with her in the last week. Speaking with her I actually only asked what her plans with the baby are. I didn’t even try and tell her my views, or push her in any direction. I don’t even remember if I mentioned to her that I’m placing. Maybe this was due to the fact that I felt of the three friends, she is the most capable to care for her child and give it a great life?

            I think the real reason though is that I have been realizing that I am not them. I can’t make their decisions for them, and I can’t tell them what is right or wrong for them. I keep thinking of the phrase “to each his own”. These women may be on the same journey (somewhat) that I am. But that doesn’t mean that what I chose is what they should. I know that one of them fully admitted to not choosing adoption specifically because she knew she would be too attached. But if you really think about any decision a person makes about their own life, it is relative to them and them alone. I mean I can’t tell you if you should have voted for McCain or Obama. I can’t tell you if you should or should not be gay. So what is to change that in the scenario involved?

            I can’t make the decision for you or anyone else. But I can offer my opinion if you seek it. I can tell you the reasons behind them, and I’ll do my best to let you feel the emotions that lead me to them. And I’ll try to use candor when I encounter you again.

            So today’s song doesn’t really fit the bill perfectly, but there are a few times in the song where the same idea comes across. Plus this band is amazing and I haven’t used them yet. So here you go!

REGRET

And Here I Rest Where Disappointment And Regret Collide

            I hate you.

Simple words. How many times have I said or done something I wish I hadn’t? There are many cases through my life that I can think of, where that is the case. For a long time I have said that I don’t regret anything in my life. But facts are that I do. There are not a lot of things I regret. But the ones that are there, I do regret immensely. Let us discuss this.

            When I was a teenager I had MAJOR anger management issues. I was angry at the world and there wasn’t a thing anyone could do that would make me feel otherwise. I hated everyone and everything. My despise for life got so bad that I had to be sent to a treatment center in order to keep myself and others safe. Now while I can look back now and appreciate the things that my parents did for me, and I’m GLAD they got me the help I needed. It doesn’t change some of the things that happened.

Well I’ll tell you that while I don’t have anger issues to the same extent I once did, and that for the most part I’m able to keep them in check, I do still have them. I still get hot really fast. And I still have a very nasty habit of saying things that I wish I hadn’t. The reason I wish I didn’t say them, isn’t because of how it affects me, but because of how it can affect the person I said it too.

            When I went to this treatment center, we would have family therapy sessions, AKA Benjamin is going to make you feel horrible time. Keep in mind that I was a VERY sick boy at this point. But we would go to these meetings and I would say the most vile, horrible, hurtful things I could think of to my parents and family. I would tell my sisters of how they never cared about me and that they wouldn’t have ever noticed if I wasn’t even there.

            I said many things to my parents. And most of my rage was directed at them. While I am not going to go into detail about the things that I actually said to them, I will say that they were over the line. I said things to try and make them feel worthless, things that I hoped would make them feel as useless and unwanted as I had felt. I said things to them that a parent should never hear from their child. Things that I hope Darling never says to either of her birthparents or adoptive parents. I hope that if a time like that ever comes, I can be as strong as my mother was, and remember what she said to me.

            After spending a good ten to fifteen minutes yelling at my mother telling her how much I hated her and that I wished she would die. The only thing she did was look at me and say, “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”. There are a lot of things from that time in my life that I don’t remember. I don’t remember how I spent the allowance I was given while I was in the center. I don’t remember most of the things we talked about during group session with the other boys. Shoot I don’t remember most of the things said during my private sessions. But I do remember that.

            Try and tell me that when someone says something hurtful to you, you don’t at least somewhat take it in. Can you remember a time when you felt like you were doing the best you could and someone told you that you could do far better? Like everything you did was not good enough; and it just made you hate ever even trying at all? I know that I can. I also know that I can remember being the person saying that to someone. Being the one that causes those times of self doubt and worthlessness.

            And then there are other times that make up for everything. There are times when you are just so frustrated and ready to quit and you will look at your husband or wife or parents or whoever, and they don’t say a word. They just give you that look. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that says it all without a single word. The one that tells you that they still love you, and they know how you feel. The one that says everything you need, even if you don’t want to hear it. That look that says “I love you enough to let you hate me for a while”.

            I love you enough to let you hate me for a while. Simple words that say true love, and forgiveness. When you are feeling down and regretful about things you have said to others, I hope you can remember them saying this sort of thing to you. And I hope it helps you to then be able to forgive yourself also. We all make mistakes, some more severe than others, but we all have the ability to forgive ourselves. And when you can do that, you can do anything.

I hope not to offend anyone by this, but I feel like I should say it anyway. I want you to know what gets me through. These are words that were spoken by Mr. Stephen Keech of Haste The Day. Every time I hear them it helps me know that I can do anything.

 “There is hope in this broken world. Through all of the hatred in this world, there is a love. And it doesn’t matter what you have done in your life, you are loved! And you are the most beautiful thing ever. Because Jesus Christ came to this earth, and he died for us. He died for you. It doesn’t matter what you believe, Jesus Christ still died for you, and he still loves you more than anything else.”

                        I had a really hard time finding any songs with regret as the main theme that I liked, but thanks to some new friends, this is what I decided on.

O GOD

Wake Up

No Passenger, No Parasite

            I’m going to try out a concept I had for a post. So I hope that it’s not too strange, and that you enjoy it all the same. Have a wonderful day and make sure to check back again on Saturday for a more regular post.

            I’m here just the same, and I’ve no one to blame. The one and only to see. I’ll live and I’ll die, I’ll laugh and I’ll cry. And the only one that knows this is me.

            I sit here watching all the passers by. Writing these words of despise. Well someday I’ll go on and move past you. One day I’ll be more than I’m not.

            You see once I was this man, and now I’ll be him.

            O’ God I need it. I need my one and only. All I have is my anger. I have nothing left to give. Just keep doing as you have before. Just lie to me. Just think that I was a “something fun” and lie to yourself just the same. Well if I’m no more than a once pleasant thought. Then go ahead and forget me, and I’ll be gone.

            I wrote these words, saturated with anger and indifference.

            I have hope, the halfway point in between progress and alone. The time to move has come once again and I’ll make this journey with my defenses knowing attack is at hand.

            What are these strange creatures that I continue to see? Do I let them close enough to feel free? Is it time to let go and maybe I’ll know that I can once again feel?

            Now I’ll accept this.

            You and I will stay here forever, never again to be alone. We will live in a place that no one will chase. So come now darling, lets run away together.

            I don’t know what I need anymore. Are these things that I seek really my ailments? Who do I turn to now? I can’t trust myself anymore.

            Do you really think you’re smarter than your own father? Are you ready to lead with no lesson? Do really think that all the saints are just lying? Just lying in their graves?

            I hate to think that perhaps this is just pretend. That this is not more than something to occupy my time. I need to know.

            O’ God I need it! Well I was wrong again! Take me to the river! And make me clean again!

            How long will I let this happen? These molesters lie to me? Oh and how they spit in your face, and claim to be the holy ones.

            Don’t you dare try and take this away from me. We will see who the one at fault will be. I’m just waiting for the answers. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Give me time. Give me peace. Help me see. Let me be. I’ll keep praying for the answers.

            The lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. It’s hard to be the better man, when you forget you’re trying. It’s hard to be the better man.

            This journey is long for all of us. I hope you know that it’s different for me. Our struggles are not just one. But we ail just the same. I’ll move forward now, working on the relation between him and me. He will be the one to guide me, the one who lets me see.

            I’ve shaken off the demons. And I’ve had the peace I need. I’ll remember him in all things. I’ll remind myself these things simply.

            This is what I will call a lyrical poem. It’s about thoughts through this journey. All of my changes of heart, or lack of sight. It’s been one doozey of a ride. And the ups and downs are some that I never would have thought would happen. But I am glad I have gone through all of it. Some notes for you to know about the poem. There are many song lyrics from bands I listen to in there. They are the ones that are bolded. Sometimes someone else says it perfectly for you before you can say it yourself I guess.

            Please comment on this one. I want tons of feedback about what you thought. Did you like the concept? Did you like the execution? Did you hate all of it? If it is something you enjoyed, I’ll maybe think about making it a thing I do on a somewhat regular basis. And before I forget. Today’s song is very simple. But VERY powerful. Only five different words in the whole thing and yet the message behind it is so strong.

JOY

I Was Always There, But You Just

 Never Knew Where

            I want to start by thanking you. I want to thank my family for supporting me in my decisions. I want to thank my friends for giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to yell in. I want to thank my church for giving me the strength and blessings I have needed to be able to make it through this trial. I want to thank my readers for all their concern and hope for things to work. And I want to thank the Jones family for not just wanting me to be a part of Darling’s life, but for giving her all the things I cannot.

            Everybody, let me tell you about Mama-J and Papa-J.

            I can only imagine that they were as nervous as I was to meet. I arrived about 20 minutes early (if you aren’t early, you’re late is my mentality) and sat in a room waiting for them to arrive and our meeting to start. Before my case worker even came to fetch me I noticed while I was playing on my phone that I was literally shaking. That is saying something for me; I’m usually the guy that keeps his composure in an emergency. So you would think that something as simple as meeting two people would be easy to handle. HAH! Right…

            Well as I entered the room there they were, sitting in their seats. I had been nervous about how they would greet me, hoping it would be a warm welcome. Papa-J approached first and extended his hand to shake. I will say my heart sank just a little at that moment, but as I took his hand he pulled me into a great hug! Mama-J didn’t even bother with the handshaking nonsense and just went straight for it! We sat down, got our selves comfortable and let the case workers explain how it was all to shake out.

            We spent the first part of the meeting with me asking the two of them questions, talking about things that I liked about them, and I shared with them that I felt that my Heavenly Father had shown to me that they were the people that NEED to raise Darling. Tears were shed, laughter was had, and to be honest, it was one of the most spiritual moments I can remember. They just emanated pure love. It was so easy to see how much they cared for Darling, her mother, and me.

            I am just so happy to know that I’m being welcomed in to be a part of everything. I feel as though all the stress I was having that kept me up at night, all the anxiety, all the fear that Darling wouldn’t get what I wanted for her, had been taken from me. Like I can stop putting other things on hold. I feel like I can breathe again. It’s funny to me because these two made me feel so welcomed, that I almost forgot who it was that is getting adopted! (Almost ;) haha)

            We spent about an hour and forty five minutes getting to know each other. And up to this point including the 5 minute phone call I had with Mama-J two days later and the text messages sent back and fourth, we have only spent about 2 hours interacting with each other. And yet I can honestly say that I love these two people as much as I love any of my closest friends. And I am very excited to meet their boys! We are going to get into all sorts of mischief. Hopefully, Mama-J and Papa-J won’t think I’m too much of a bad influence ;)

            I had spent a lot of time trying to find a song that would show the joy that I’m feeling, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that felt just right. I will admit it probably has something to do with the fact that I listen to so much angst filled music. Haha. But in my search I remembered a song that I love very much. Ironically it is the song that I would have chosen for Darling’s mother and I. I actually had chosen it for us but I didn’t want to be the cheesy guy that says “this should be our song”. Well after listening to it again, it feels right for it to be used to express so many thoughts I have toward Darling, and her new family. So I’m going to give you a break down of how I interpreted the lyrics, while I list them because it seems most online resources got them wrong.

If our world falls down tomorrow you’ll be sure I’ll be there with a net. To catch the pieces falling, and I was always there. And I was always there. I was always there but you just, never knew where.

This first verse is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J in regards to why they chose to adopt.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This first part of the chorus is me speaking to Mama-J and Papa-J.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

The second part of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J speaking to Darling.

I’ve considered what it’d be like if the ocean poured in from both of the coasts, and we set sail to find out just where our boat would go. But I don’t think I’d want to know, ‘cause it would just make time so I can see your smile with our brand new life in tow.

This second verse feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys.

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

(The second part of the chorus the interpretation is the same)

And if I’m on the road for another thousand years or so I hope you know a part of me is at home.

This first part of the bridge is me talking to Darling if she ever feels alone.

Not trading brick for straw in the house I’ve built around my heart.

So when you came I’d be so tough.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

 No “huff n’ puff” could dismantle us.

This second part of the bridge feels like Mama-J and Papa-J, and their boys talking to me and Darling.

Ay-oh Ay-oh I hope you weren’t waiting long, and I hope this night makes up for time lost.

This time the first part of the chorus is me talking to Mama-J and Papa-J, their boys, and to Darling (whenever I will be able to see her)

Ay-oh Ay-oh feels like I met you years ago, and we’re picking up right where we left off.

This final time the second half of the chorus feels like Mama-J and Papa-J talking to just me, welcoming me as a new part of everything.

ACCOUNTABILITY

And I Will Hang My Head, Hang My Head Low

I have been told that I am a persuasive person. I have had jobs in the past working solely on my ability to sell products/services/myself. And I am good at it. I also happen to be VERY opinionated. So those two things tend to combine a lot and I end up getting people to see “my side” of things. It isn’t my intention to make others agree with me, but to make sure that my view was seen the way I perceived it.

I have felt the need to brighten the picture I have made for you all to see, of Darling’s mother. I have somewhat thrown myself a pity party for you all to commiserate in. So at this point I need you all to know what a truly great person Darling’s mother is. She loves her daughter as much as I do. And is as selfless if not more so than I am in this whole journey. She is sweeter than chocolate covered sugar cubes, and as nice as can be. And after having the opportunity to speak with her briefly today, I know now that her view on everything is severely different than mine. And I learned that I WAS IN FACT controlling her, even though I never meant to.

Looking back on old posts and discussions I have had with people I can hardly stand myself. I look at me stating how I feel about her actions and not really trying at all to defend them for her. I look at this and just think to myself “get real man!”. Take responsibility for the things you did. For the fact that you knew she had confidence issues and subjected her to constant questioning of her decisions. For saying things you didn’t mean only because you weren’t getting the communication you desired. Get real and understand that not everyone is like you and can say what they mean right off the bat. And that not everyone goes running at their decisions without looking back. Get accountable for your actions you selfish impatient jerk. (Yes I am talking to myself.)

Why was I so upset with the case workers at the agency? Because I felt like they didn’t really try to get me involved. As it so happens there is a reason for that. When a mother comes to that agency, they become a client. And because of the laws in our state they cannot make any contact with me or any other birth farther unless the birth mother signs a disclosure agreement stating that they can. This is why it took them so long to get me involved to the point that I am. And I should be grateful that Darling’s mother has been able to put aside the fact that we have our differences, to let me be a part of Darling’s life. And after learning these things, I am.

Why was I upset with Darling’s mother? Because she wouldn’t communicate her views with me on demand. I couldn’t understand that she felt like I was trying to control her. And in fact I don’t think that is it at all. I don’t think she feels like I was trying to control her, but that I was nonetheless. In an attempt to understand her better I questioned her thoughts which caused her to do the same. And when you start second guessing yourself you search for other possible answers. I am sure that my persuasiveness did not help her at all, and caused her even more unease as this happened. It only makes sense then that she wants/wanted nothing to do with me in order to be able to keep her thoughts her own.

So here are my thanks. Thank you to all the case workers involved for seeing how distraught I was through this, and then feeling it important that I also be able to grieve. Thank you for at least hearing my voice on what I wanted from adoptive parents. Thank you for reading my blog (yes I’m talking about you Kari) so you can have even more insight into my feelings and thoughts, even though you didn’t need to. Thank you to my case worker for putting me in my place when I over-reacted to things.

Thank you to Darling’s mother for being more mature than I knew or could recognize. Thank you for being strong enough to push me away. Thank you for finally letting me know why you feel the way you do. And thank you for letting me be a part of my daughter’s life.

Now here are my apologies. I’m sorry to the caseworkers for pushing and pushing you the ways I did. Had I known what your limitations are I don’t think I would have been this way. It is my own fault for never really asking what you CAN do for me. I apologize to my case worker for being rude to you over the phone when I did. I’m sorry to her case worker for being so abrupt and brash in some of the emails I have sent.

I’m sorry to you Darling’s mother for never making you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind. For never letting you state your opinion without also interjecting my own. For not letting you take charge when you needed to be able to. I am most sorry for the things I said to you in anger. I want you to know at this point that they never should have been said. And I hope that you can know that while I know text is flat, that I am sincere in these things I say.

To all of you mentioned above. I hope that you can forgive me for my actions. I hope that you can understand I struggle. And that as this process has continued, the things you all have done have been able to help me in more ways than just regarding the adoption of Darling.

Now as I sit here thinking of all these things, feeling lower than low. I need to be able to remind myself that I must also forgive myself. I can’t expect anyone to forgive my transgressions if I can’t even do this on my own. And that will definitely take some time. And to you my readers, I hope that you don’t feel lied to. I hope you can understand that these revelations come over time, and sometimes take a while to surface into my consciousness.

This song really visualizes the guilt I am feeling.

IRE Pt. III

I Want To Rip Out The Foundation,

I Want The Axis To Rupture.

Seeing as all great SAGA’s come in sets of three, I thought I would just continue on the same idea (sort of) that I had been discussing.

I LOVE ANGRY MUSIC. I just love the stuff. That music that makes most want to have a heart attack, just makes me smile. I understand that not all people enjoy the music that I listen to the majority of the time. I have accepted that I have a larger audience to please than just myself with this blog, and I do keep you in mind when I select the music I post along with each post. So right now I’m going to apologize for subjecting you to music you may not enjoy.

I have been thinking about my taste in music. The fact that I can hear someone screaming something like “I am just a man, with a heart and sinful hands” and only think of how spiritually uplifting it is for me. It seems that most only hear screaming, and not the message behind it. Many people are guilty of this, maybe even you! I know that my parents have been guilty of it. When I first started getting into this type of music my mother would “yell” at me to “turn off that devil music!”. Even though the “devil music” I was listening to was praising the lord and telling others to investigate his love and grace.

This makes me wonder if Darling will take after her father in her taste in music? Will she be like I am and enjoy having a way to daily let out frustration, anger, sorrow, joy, or any emotion really. Or will she be less like me and more like her mother who isn’t really into music at all? The next thing it makes me curious about, is if her adoptive parents will be like mine and not care what the music says because of the delivery. Or will they be open minded and support her in whatever type of things she wants to be part of, as long as it doesn’t compromise here core ideals?

One of my best friends is like me. She loves loves loves hardcore and metal music. And not once has it ever caused her to change her beliefs about Jesus or God. She and I both love listening to someone who feels the same way as us about Satan and God. Satan=bad, God=good!

Let us think of a few different views about why one might not like the same musical stylings as myself. Some think “I don’t understand why you would go to a concert to yell and scream and be angry, where moshpits are present and you could potentially get injured.” For me, I don’t understand why people enjoy going to concerts where you don’t! Even more to the point, what about concerts where the fans do this, because they are “in love” with the band members. Yes I am talking about you Justin Bieber fan! Some might say “I can’t hear the message because the music is so angry.” My response? To each his own. You may lose the message while listening to angry music even if you know it is there because of the music itself. I personally have never really been moved by any hymn, I think this is because there is nothing really musically to back it up dynamically. (for me)

I am getting off subject. My point with this post here was to express a great amount of hope! One of the reasons birthparents place their children is because we want them to have things that we can’t provide, and we want them raised the same way we would if we were able. So I am hopeful that Darling’s adoptive parents can be supportive and always let her know that they love her and that the mother and I do as well.

And after going to my concert last night… I hope that they can also be prepared to have her come home from shows with out a voice waking up in the morning with her chest hurting so much she can hardly breathe! I am very much excited to meet them, and I hope that they are as excited to meet me.

Today’s song is very angry. Please feel free to not check it out, but also know that I love this band very VERY much. I saw them play last night. And though it hurts my chest to breathe, and my voice is gone, it was TOTALLY worth it!

IRE Pt. II

You’re Justified, But There’s No Justice If It’s Just A Lie.

I know that I’m not perfect. I know that there are many things I HAVE DONE that have caused me to be in the situation I am in. I know that because I initially fought the mother of Darling about the adoption that has caused the majority of my problems with the adoption. My point with the original post titled IRE was to let off steam.

Seeing as many had commented on it negatively, and probably even more who thought the same way who didn’t. I guess I will clear a few things up for you.

Yes, the mother of Darling did in fact tell me that I would not be at the hospital at all for Darling’s birth. Not just not in the room. But not allowed in the hospital at all. That I would not be allowed to be present, or see her during that time, and that I might not even see her before placement. Whether or not this will actually happen is another story. And hopefully things will work such that she doesn’t feel this way when the time comes. And yes she did say this to me while we were fighting.

While my blog is public for all to view, that does not mean I share every single detail of my life with you. If you knew me, you would know I am actually a pretty happy guy. I like to crack jokes, and just have an overall good time.

I have no idea what Darling’s mother thinks. I don’t know her side of the story. And it is more likely than not very different from my own. The fact is though, that she doesn’t talk to me. I don’t get a chance to get her view, so I can’t very well keep her side of the story defended because of this.

This blog is written from a point of view that I have been told isn’t seen often, or EVER. There are hundreds if not thousands of blogs written from the Birthmothers point of view. And I doubt anyone ever really attacks a Birthmother for her views. Well I am a Birthfather and can only write from that point of view. I have no idea what sort of things the mother has to go through physically during this whole ordeal. But if I could I would trade her places in a heartbeat. If I could have that child kicking in my stomach, I would. If I could know the joy of seeing my baby that is in my stomach on the screen during an ultra sound, I would take it. But the fact is that I can’t. I don’t get those same experiences. I don’t get the morning sickness. I don’t have the same attachment issues. And I don’t know all the other things she is going through that I am completely unaware of.

What I do know is my own feelings. I know what my own experiences are. I know what my fears are. I know what my joys are. That is all that I know. And that is what this blog is meant for. It is meant to show all the people who read it a view point that “isn’t heard”. So I will not apologize to you for feeling the ways that I do. I will not vindicate you in your actions to take sides. Because this blog isn’t about taking a side, it’s about seeing one.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I have no idea what it is like for hopeful adoptive parents to have gone through the agonies that they may have gone through such as infertility, or pregnancy complications. I don’t know what it is like for a birthmother to have to give something that was literally part of them to another person or family. And I have no idea what it is like to find out that you came from a parent that isn’t the one(s) that you have now.

But I do know my side of the story. And I have felt such that it should be shared. It should be shared for any and all to see, in hopes that it might help in whatever way it can. No one forces you to read my blog. And if you find that it is something you do not agree with, then please feel free to close the tab, or browser window it is contained in. But before you do, just remember that you can take it however you want. You choose your own experience.

My regular post will be up later tonight.

Today’s song is meant for everyone to remember that life is not just about you, but it’s a big picture sort of deal. And everyone includes me.

IRE

I Said “Water” Expecting The Word Would Satisfy My Thirst.

I see myself sitting here in my basement room at night just letting my thoughts stew and ferment as I write each new blog post. I will let them consume me in order to be able to let them out in a manner that is more constructive. I usually will write about the emotion I have been feeling the most. Or I will write about the event(s) causing this emotion. And before I plunge into the pool of my emotion I will remind you all again that this blog is my way of letting emotions out. I write them so I can release them from myself and can then not be hung up on them.

IRE:

Over the past few days I have been doing my best to avoid acknowledging having this emotion. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that I do not need to feel that way. I received an email on Friday morning that Darling’s mother had gotten a confirmation for herself about who the right family for Darling is. I was ecstatic! Not only was I joyful that she knew, but also that it was the same family I felt was best for our Darling. Joyous times right? Wrong.

All I could seem to think about was the fact that I found it so alienating that yet again I was not ACTUALLY involved in my daughter’s adoption. I didn’t have a choice at all really. It was more like I was just being told “oh that’s a nice choice there Benjamin, know what? We will hang this on the fridge so everyone can see it to be proud”. I had no sway in the decision at all (That I am aware of)! I feel like I had been taken advantage of. This is the second time I have felt used by the mother. And the first was not better by any means.

I have correspondence with the agency and have them telling me what the MOTHER chose, and how the MOTHER feels, and if the MOTHER is comfortable allowing me to be involved. News flash everyone. Darling has a FATHER too! A FATHER who loves and cares about her. A FATHER who wants the best for her too. And a FATHER who has a lot more experience and exposure to the adoption world than the MOTHER ever has. So pardon me when I grimace as you shove the spoiled leftovers down my throat.

The second reason I have been feeling this way is due to the fact that Darling’s mother refuses to talk to me, and I therefore have no idea how she thinks of me. I am the type of person who always prepares for the worst possible outcome. I would like to be ready for whatever may be thrown at me. Due to this, I get the idea that she is thinking horrible things about me and that is why she does this. That is not something I feel comfortable with at all. The thought that Darling may ask her mother about me someday and all she will hear is about how at first I tried to fight her on the adoption. I fear that she will not hear what was actually happening. That I feel responsible to care for her and that I didn’t know yet that adoption was the right thing.

It bothers me that even after I had gotten the confirmation for myself that it is indeed the correct thing. That all I wanted was to help her mother and support her through it, only to have more and more doors shut in my face. Having someone tell you that you will not be there for your child’s birth (in the hospital at all) and you may not even see them before they are placed; is not something that sits well for me. Those are the type of statements that make me wonder if adoption IS the right thing. Yes my Darling will be in a loving home and cared for, but I’ll be completely honest and admit that I’m being selfish in thinking this. I NEED TO BE OK WITH IT TOO!!! I need closure just like she does. I’m sorry for being the prideful man that I am, and also needing to feel that the right thing is being done. I cannot just give my child to someone I don’t know. And most certainly cannot do it when I haven’t been able to have that moment of intimacy where even though she can’t understand what I’m saying. I tell her how much I love her. And that I will always be there for her, even if I’m not actually there.

I know for a fact that I will NEVER say a bad word about Darling’s mother, to Darling. And that even though I may have very defined thoughts and emotions about her, and I may express them to others. If anyone ever says anything bad about Darling’s mother, immediately get defensive and scold them (if not worse) for saying those things. I can say what I say because it directly affects me. Darling’s mother has not done anything to anyone else I have close to me. I therefore feel they have no right to ever feel as though they have been wronged by her. The only thing is that I fear that one day that will stop happening. That one day I will stop wanting to help the mother if she asks. That one day she will come to me for support, and I will be gone from that place because I felt pushed from it. And worst of all that not only will I leave, but she will not notice or care.

I am glad that I write these things down. And that I can let them out in a healthy manner instead of bottling them up to be used in spite. I am glad I write them down so that I am then able to understand them better myself. I am also glad that I write down my thoughts and emotions so that I might be able to revisit them later to get the relief I need. If you have not already done so, and even if you have, I would recommend going back to my blog post titled RUNNING. I wrote this, and then read that to be able to show myself again that these are just emotions, and not what I actually want.

This is for you Darling’s mother. I want you to know that I truly care about our daughter. That I only want what is best for her. That I don’t have all the resources that you do, and because of that I sometimes struggle. I want you to know that I do still care about you and your wellbeing. You and I share something that I will never have with anyone else. Our daughter. And that yes, even though it is not the same as it once was. I still love you. And to some extent, I always will.

Here is today’s music link. This is one of my all time favorite bands. I hope you enjoy them. 

PERSPECTIVE

This Problem Is Gonna Last More Than The Weekend.

The other day I was chatting with one of my inner circle members (SUG) about wanting to do a follow up post for SELFISHNESS. I wanted to do one that was basically the exact opposite in order to give women a guide for what to look for in men, and a guide for what men should be. I wanted to use good examples. I knew that I was going to be traveling to my grandparents home town and I could think of no greater gentleman than my grandfather. I had intended on using him as a sort of base for what we should be. I had intended on asking him questions about what men were like when he was my age (60 years ago) and what he thought was the biggest difference now. Well unfortunately my grandfather isn't as sharp as he once was. But very fortunately I was given something even better. I was given a new perspective.

I had not told my grandparents on my father's side about the adoption. Not because I didn't want them knowing, but because I figured that since my father spoke to them on a weekly basis he would do it for me. Well about a week ago my mother called me and asked if I would help her at a jewelry show in my grandparents home town. I said yes. She offered to get me a place to stay with some of my other relatives, and while I have nothing against them as people, I would prefer not to be around some of them while they make the choices they make. Kind of the mentality of if you don't put yourself into harms way you can't be harmed.

I just told my mother I would see if I could stay with my grandparents. I had wanted to talk to them anyway per I had recently read my grandfather's biography. I called my father to ask for their number, and while I was on the phone I thought I would ask if they knew of my situation. He informed me that more likely than not, they were unaware of the things happening. Well I called to ask them permission to stay with them anyway and was granted it.

Now the problem was to figure out when I wanted to tell them. I had thought that it might be best to wait untill the end of the trip to inform them, that way I wouldn't have to really worry about any potentially nasty or snide remarks. But I was concerned that I would not be able to keep such a big part of my life secret from them. What I basically decided was, if it comes up, it comes up.

Well I arrived at their house friday night and had a lovely meal. We had eaten a nice soup, and then I set my things in the guest room. I went to the computer and helped my grandmother with the seemingly impossible project of uploading pictures onto facebook. Yes my grandmother has a facebook, and yes I am her friend. Well After that was done I decided to check my email and see how my blog stats were doing. I logged into my email acount and had SEVEN emails telling me of ladies from adoptionvoices.com leaving comments on my page. I knew that they were all regarding the newest news about Darling's mother getting the knowledge of the right family.

Well grandma was sitting in the room and started asking me about the blog. She asked why do people blog? I explained that you can blog about lots of different things. It can be a way for family to stay in contact with eachother, without needing to make a phone call or visit. And seeing as some families work on different time schedules, that can be very beneficial. I also said that you can blog about a certain subject such as cars, music, art, etc. etc. Well grandma asked that one question I had somewhat been dreading. What is your blog about Benjamin? I didn't bother trying to not get around to answering. I mean she needed to know anyway so I showed it to her. I told her the whole story behind it (short winded version) and just showed her the blog.

I was mostly expecting my grandmother to disown me. I kind of had imagined that she would throw me out of the house and tell me to call my mother and find a different place to stay. Well first of all I will say that I truly don't know her well enough. I feel like I have been missing out on such a truly amazing part of my life for entirely too long. And secondly, she did not throw me out into the cold. I must explain before moving forward that I haven't known my father's side of the family hardly at all.

Well that was pretty much it about the adoption for that night. We went to bed after I sort of explained blogging a little more, and that was it. Well I early to go for a run, and did my best to make sure to be nice and quiet, becuase I didn't want to wake them. Well much to my surprise, when I went to go outside I saw my grandmother in the office playing on the computer. She turned and said, I couldn't find your blog! I said well let me just bring it up for you. I got a window with it open for her and then went for my run. Grandma didn't say anything really when I got back, and then we just got ready for the day.

Well at the end of the day upon returning home to have dinner. We started discussing things (that are specifically outlined in the post SELFISHNESS). I asked if she had read that post, and she said she read all of them. That she thought I had done a very good job at writing them. Well I had been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post today, and at that point decided I should. I had just had too many conversations with her about what I was looking for in the view of someone who grew up when men were still gentlemen. And even though it wasn't the source I was originally seeking, it turned out to be just as good, if not better.

Well as it seems all of my more emotional posts go, I got about three paragraphs in and had the water works start. I usually try and avoid this by going for a walk or something, so that is what I did. I went for a walk and just told grandma not to wait up for me, because I wasn't sure how long I would be. When I came back I took my time getting back to the post. I walked back into the office, and sitting there on the keyboard was an article she had laid out for me to read. It told me about how it can be very hard to stay strong in your faith. It said to not be discouraged, and that life may seem difficult now, but I must stay in my beliefs. The part that was truly the most uplifting for me was the note she wrote for me. She told me that she knew I could do this, (I assume she means about the adoption too) and that she loves and has faith in me. This is the first time I had heard this from anyone on my father's side of the family. And for me it was just what I needed.

So this post I am dedicating to my grandmother Janis, I love you very much.

Something that she told me these past few days about Heavenly Father is that he does take his time answering you. Because he knows what you need. This song depicts that very well.

WOE

I’m In A Field Of Land Mines

For each of us life a different journey. We go through many experiences that shape us as people. We experience happiness, and joys that we may have never known before. And at times we seem to be surrounded by despair, and depression sets into our everyday thinking. We forget many times what we live for, or why we keep going. Usually this is for brief periods.

Recently I have noticed a trend happening with my fellow adoption supporters. I have noticed that we have been embracing the “Woe is me” thought process. I do not mean to say that it is not acceptable for us to feel alone from time to time. Or that our emotions are not justified or real. But I do mean to say that we need to remember what it is that we are striving for.

Birthparents:

I have noticed that the majority of the time when I am thinking of things involved in my own adoption. I tend to think of the extreme variables. What happens after Darling is placed with the family? Will I be able to visit? Will the family still want the mother and me to be involved? Will they prefer us to only be informed of Darling’s growth? I think of these many thoughts and I notice that it has been keeping me up at night. I can only imagine that for Darling’s mother and other birthmothers that it is at least twice as hard to deal with. They have to deal with these thoughts, on top of all the side effects the pregnancy are taking on them. It is then easy to feel like no one can relate. That no one understands.

Hopeful Adoptive Parents:

While birthmothers and birthfathers have a lot on their plate to think about and deal with; I feel like the Hopeful Adoptive Parents take the brunt of the worry and therefore tend to be the most susceptible to “Woe is me”. The reason I feel this way is because they don’t have just one child to think of. They have the potential to think of MANY children to think of. To think of what is best for this child being presented to them (when that happens). Most of the time when I think of the adoption of a child; I think about it from the birthparent’s point of view (big surprise). I think of the fact that I have the ability to say “I love this family, but I don’t think they are right for my child”. It seems so nonchalant and almost easy for me to just make the judgment and then move on. If you really think about it, it only makes sense for me and other birthparents to have this thought process. The numbers in the adoption field are very much so in our favor. There are far fewer birthparents than there are Hopeful Adoptive Parents.

The Hopeful Adoptive Parents have far less opportunity for selection because of this. That means, when an Adoptive Family is selected to be considered for placement they REALLY have to examine what is best for the child. For those of us who are not, take a moment to think about that statement; a person who wants more than anything else to have a new addition to their love circle, to their family. Must then examine if they can do that with any child that is put before them. For birthparents it is so much easier. We have so much of a larger selection to choose from. Hopeful Adoptive Parents do not! Hopeful Adoptive Parents could go YEARS without being selected. The want for a child can become nearly overwhelming for them. And when presented with the opportunity it can become very difficult for them to remember that they must do what is best for the child in the same way that a birthparent must. Even if that means acknowledging that they are not right for the child.

http://www.andysclan.com/2011/02/unprepared.html

Now that we can see that it happens to each of us in different ways. Let us remember that simple fact. We all go through it. And we all have to work through it in whatever way it is that helps us. This can be through prayer, it can be by writing out thoughts, it can be through the comfort found in music that embraces the emotion being felt, or by connecting with others in the same or different sides of the adoption triad. I am guilty of using all of these coping mechanisms. And I’m sure there are others that may apply to others that I am not even aware of. We just need to remember that it is not only something we all go through. But it is something we need to experience, and the best way is one day at a time.

This is a website that has helped me to be able to handle the whole thing.

http://adoptionvoices.com/

Now before I finish I just want to say that one of the things that honestly helps me the most, is the knowledge of all the love that my Darling will receive. I almost feel as though Darling will have a bit of an advantage in that aspect. She will have the knowledge that not only do her Adoptive Parents love her. But that her Birthparents love her as well. I hope that my Darling will always be able to feel that she is loved and wanted by many people. That given the chance many MANY Hopeful Adoptive Parents would welcome her into their lives and families with arms open.

Today’s song is by non other than my all time favorite band. I apologize for anyone that may find it irritating that I will be using them as often as I know I will, but they just get me haha.